Katy Perry’s Rebounding With Tim Tebow

January 11th, 2012 // 53 Comments
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“Lord, these touchdowns are great and everything, but how ’bout some tits?”

With all the pain and suffering in the world, God looked down upon humanity and sent us a champion. – A non-singing and dancing champion, I should say. These miracles are starting to run together. – A champion who really wouldn’t help with all that pain and suffering stuff, but holy shit, would he be awesome at football. And that champion is Tim Tebow, a young man whose righteous path is now set to lead him to a promised land of sweet-boobage and honey known as Katy Perry‘s breasts because apparently there really is a God, and my tears are his food. Via Hollywood Life:

“[Katy's] mentioned on more than one occasion how much she likes Tim,” a source tells OK! magazine.”Katy’s mom firmly believes the best cure for heartache is to quickly fall in love again… In her mind, Tebow is the perfect guy for her daughter. He’s handsome, charming, intelligent and above all, a good Christian.”
Katy’s parents have gone as far as inviting Tim to speak at the church Katy used to sing at in Huntington Beach, Calif. Of course — when Katy will be there!

Keep in mind, absolutely none of this is true, but should these signs and wonders somehow transpire before us, I’ll see you all in church on Sunday as I repent my sins for the express purpose of making God shower me with breasts because clearly that’s how this works. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure eternal life in Heaven is cool and all, but my hands aren’t going to honk themselves. I’ve tried.

Photos: Getty

superficial

  1. Nattypants

    Please let this be true, please let this be true, please let this be true

  2. Skittle

    Somehow I don’t see this happening…

  3. Cock Dr

    What a bunch of manure.
    Although for Katy’s sake I do hope she can find a nice wholesome all American boy to bang ASAP. Those boobs should not be wasted.

    • cc

      I can bang her, if you’d like.

    • JC

      They’re already a bit wasted, in a way, by being attached to her.

      I think the problems Katy face are that (a) she’s an idiot and probably pretty annoying to be around, (b) when she practices her “singing” at home without autotune, it makes dogs’ rectums bleed, and (c) any real Christian guy would have a problem with her sinful songs about Teh Evil Lesbian stuff and other premarital shenanigans.

      Which is all to say she’ll basically have to find a deaf Christian hypocrite to marry, which might not be that hard.

      • Richard McBeef

        JC – You really should have stopped right here:

        ‘I think the problems Katy face’

        and just let us assume you suck at grammar and punctuation.

      • JC

        Well played, McBeef. Well played.

      • cc

        ‘she’ll basically have to find a deaf Christian hypocrite to marry, which might not be that hard.’

        you left out ‘…what with the Republican primaries in full swing and all.’

  4. Wow. There’s a match made in super-brief-marriage-heaven. I’m sure the Teebs will appreciate Katy’s God-given gifts for a while…. but will grow to resent how she flaunts them. He’ll love her parents, though!

  5. Venom

    Look at her last boyfriend and her soon to be ex husband, Tim Tebow is the absolute last guy in the world she would date.

    You really think the chick that would date the drug addict black dude that is tattooed and pierced from head to toe is really interested in someone like Tim Tebow? I suspect Katy Perry is way freakier than she lets on, probably freakier than even Russell Brand.

    • crazypants

      I agree everything with you wrote, yet I think the opposite is true – Tebow and his parents would never, ever in a million years let their precious self/son anywhere near the apostate pop-star who dated a tattooed junkie Black guy and married a tattooed ex-junkie, foul-mouthed, atheist British comedian. It’s ridiculous to even think that Tebow would ever date, much less marry such “soiled” goods.

      • Venom

        Well it is beyond obvious that Tebow or his family would never want to be associated with Katy Perry. That would be just stating the obvious.

        Now if Tebow could feel up her luscious boobs on the sly without anyone finding out, well that might be another matter.

  6. This actually makes sense. Your typical broad marries her polar opposite, only to divorce him because they have nothing in common.

  7. You know, big tits are nice, but the real promised land is a little further south.

  8. Johnny P!

    Very slow news year when the KKK (Kardashian Kunt Klan) keep making headlines, Katy Perry’s autotuned voice breaks sales records, and a bunch of “me-too!” mooks start “Te-Bowing” (yes, they gave it a name) on YouTube, at School, for press, etc.
    Let’s have the Perry/Tebow wedding, with Lohan as Maid Of Honor and Paris Hilton and the Kardashian girls as Bridesmaids, presided over by Sinead “Difficult Brown” O’Connor as the Pastor, With the Jenners (Mother, Father, Brother) and the Lohans (Mother, Sister, Estranged Father) as guests, Charlie Sheen as the Best Man, Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison seated next to Heidi and Spencer (as “Celebrity Guests”), Bieber, Gomez and Cyrus (Father and Daughter) as the Entertainment, Rick Santorum as the Political Presence, and as they all “Te-Bow” in unison at the end of the service, blow the fuckin’ church up.
    Fresh start!
    Did I miss anyone?

  9. Oogidyboogidy

    Doesn’t Tim’s precious Jeebus himself say “don’t stand there and pray openly like the hypocrites do, do it in secret?” I realize american Christians are dying to be all hardcore and “look at me” and all, but read your own holy book once in a while. Even Jesus is against you, Tim, so knock it the fuck off.

    • The words and acts of Christ have been edited out of the American version of Christianity. It’s all Old Testament tribal hatreds now, with a little bit of Paul (and his little me-too Timothy’s) contemporary Roman prejudices thrown in for good measure.

      Apologies to the Episcopalians, Presbyterians, Unitarians, some of the Methodists and a few other odds and ends to whom this does not apply. But you’re outnumbered, by a lot.

      • Oogidyboogidy

        Who reads the bible anyway? That’s been out of style since the Catholics started calling their ministers “Father” (a little Pauline command to “call no man father” is so much picking nits).

    • Soviet Snow

      I hope your feelings about Muslims openly praying is just as strong. Personally I want to know how they choose which size stick to beat their wives. Not all of them of course…..

      …Just the ones that let their slip to reveal a half inch of skin.

      • Soviet Snow

        their burqa slip

      • Well, I realize you didn’t direct this to me but I would say first that there is no proscription against public praying in the Quran to correspond to Christ’s instruction in Matthew that one should enter a private room and pray there. Now, following Christ in this would mean that almost every Christian service, except for those of a few Quaker sects, would be in direct contravention of his teaching. Most Christians have intperpreted this message to be a proscription specifically aimed at hypocritcal prayer (you know, pray in a way to attract attention in public while failing to follow any of the tenets of the faith). However, considering that most conservative American Christians insist on the most literal interpretations of those Old Testament snippets that justify one of their hatreds…well, finish that however your own conscience dictates.

        To answer the main intent of what you wrote, however, I would say first that I have always opposed fundamentalists of any religion, because they are always the Pharisees and Sadducees of a faith. And of course, the ultimate thrust of your statement was “We’re better than they are!” and I would let you, on your own, consider if that would be a sufficient answer to Christ.

  10. Tim Tebow Katy Perry Dating Rumor
    Commented on this photo:

    I can’t wait until this guy gets married…because then it’s only a short wait until we get treated to the inevitable violation of his marital vows, and gyrations of logic explaining why divorce is OK for him even though his religion forbids it.

    Anybody who practices his religion with the exhibitionist zeal of a sex offender masturbating on a city bus has crash-and-burn written all over his future.

  11. Tim Tebow Katy Perry Dating Rumor
    Commented on this photo:

    “Dear Sweet Baby Christ…thank you so much for this AWESOME win against the Steelers. Your ways are truly so powerful and so mysterious, God, and I thank you for them. I also thank you for Katy Perry’s enormous, consecrated bosoms, without which I would not be capable of masturbating to Your glory. May they bring millions into Your kingdom, just as my incredible touchdown passes have done. Also, thank you again for masturbation. In Your holy name, Amen.”

  12. EricLr

    And lo the Lord did bequeath upon his chosen son the gift of a woman, made from the rib of man with gianormous titties. And the Lord sayeth unto him, go forth and score touchdowns, my son, for thou art the blessed.

    • Tiberias Max

      …. and from the offspring of their unholy union was begat the child who bore the mark of the beast … and that child did ascend through the Sesame Streets of gold with young Trig Palin … thus the foretelling of Armageddon by the snow-nosed porculent prophet, Glenn of Beck ….. etc etc etc

  13. Frank Burns

    There are rebounds in football?

  14. Katy’s folks figure Tebow is their kind of guy because one Sunday they heard him yell of “Twenty-three! Black dog! Eleven gut!” and thought he was speaking in tongues.

  15. Mando

    Her parents only like him cause they can understand his accent.

  16. Da Cheese

    It would be interesting if it turned out that Tim was more sexually adventurous that Katy.

  17. She stopped being a “good christian girl” when she let that filthy scumbag sully her. Tebow doesn’t want anyone’s sloppy seconds.

  18. Tim Tebow Katy Perry Dating Rumor
    yea right
    Commented on this photo:

    intelligent? hahahahahaha

  19. GEE FAKE STORY MUCH? YEAH I AM SURE A CHRISTIAN QB IS EXACTLY WHAT NOT YET DIVORCED BIG TITTED PARTY GIRL WHO LOVES TO TALK GIRL ON GIRL ACTION & SQUIRTS WHIPPED CREAM FROM HER BRA IS DESIRING
    JUST CAUSE HER FREAK GOD FEARING RACIST WEIRDO PARENTS ARE INTO THEIR CULT I MEAN RELIGION DOESNT MEAN A PUBLICIST SHOULD BE MAKING THIS FUTURE COUPLE ALERT UP FOR THE MEDIA. BRAND IS SO MUCH BETTER OFF WITHOUT HER

  20. nick

    he should see a doctor. no one else notices he has knee problems? he cant stand up half the time. fucking douche

  21. blacksun

    She kissed a girl and she liked it. Tebow would consider that a sin.

  22. Kim

    As if he would have anything to do with Katy Perry.

  23. 146-Demaryuis Morris

    Tim Tebow is a true QB for Denver Broncos, but facing a team Rivalee against with the New England Patriots at their home-field, it will be something that he will learn to knock off the patriots on there feet

  24. This is Madness

    There is absolutely no way in hell that he would ever date her. He has beautiful women with large breasts fawning over him already and he turns them all down. What makes anyone think that he’d say yes to this bitch?

  25. bigalkie

    This magpie, flash in the pan qb is playing the publicity card well. he is way more of a household name over current and past great like Joe Montana, Steve Young, Drew Brees and the list goes on and on and on and on. This guy blows. He will need a miracle on the level of a resurection to beat a keyed up, relious freak hating Patriot team whose defense will drive him into the hall of shame.

  26. Tim Tebow Katy Perry Dating Rumor
    Honkeywhat?
    Commented on this photo:

    Tebow is gay..worst kept secret in the NFL

  27. doctor snuggles

    she wished for a life full of pain & disaster?
    well…..BE MY GUEST!!

  28. Wow…this is by far the wittiest banter I have read about anything Tebow- or Katy-related. Well-played.

    As a young divorcee who made the mistake (just kidding; I don’t regret it) of being a “good girl” prior to marrying a full-blown narcissist who left me for love of his iGadgets and sports cars, I am all for lots of sex in marriage and could totally go for a guy like Tebow….

    (By the way, I don’t regret the “good girl” part. Marrying a man who left me and didn’t like sex, well, that’s another matter.)

  29. Hugh Gentry

    can you titty fuck and still be a good christian??

    • The Royal Penis

      If you’re wearing a Rosary and Catholic it’s all good.

      I think Tebow is gay for Jeebus btw.

  30. Tim Tebow Katy Perry Dating Rumor
    58-Von Miller II
    Commented on this photo:

    Tim Tebow has been a person that had huge comebacks with wins, but with the Rivalee with New England Patriots, that will be another thing he was in his mind, finish this Rivalee as they advanced to playoffs.

  31. Carla

    My gaydar howls, not pings, every time I come across this Tebow. Seriously, mark my words: There’s a media hailstorm of airport toilet tap-dancing, man-booty-licking, shemale-lapdancing end-times proportions in this prayer-flaunting jock’s future.

  32. Tim Tebow Katy Perry Dating Rumor
    illicit encounter
    Commented on this photo:

    Hey, buddy, I have not discovered the way to subscribe

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