Katy Perry’s Rebounding With Tim Tebow

“Lord, these touchdowns are great and everything, but how ’bout some tits?”

With all the pain and suffering in the world, God looked down upon humanity and sent us a champion. – A non-singing and dancing champion, I should say. These miracles are starting to run together. – A champion who really wouldn’t help with all that pain and suffering stuff, but holy shit, would he be awesome at football. And that champion is Tim Tebow, a young man whose righteous path is now set to lead him to a promised land of sweet-boobage and honey known as Katy Perry’s breasts because apparently there really is a God, and my tears are his food. Via Hollywood Life:

“[Katy’s] mentioned on more than one occasion how much she likes Tim,” a source tells OK! magazine.”Katy’s mom firmly believes the best cure for heartache is to quickly fall in love again… In her mind, Tebow is the perfect guy for her daughter. He’s handsome, charming, intelligent and above all, a good Christian.”
Katy’s parents have gone as far as inviting Tim to speak at the church Katy used to sing at in Huntington Beach, Calif. Of course — when Katy will be there!

Keep in mind, absolutely none of this is true, but should these signs and wonders somehow transpire before us, I’ll see you all in church on Sunday as I repent my sins for the express purpose of making God shower me with breasts because clearly that’s how this works. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure eternal life in Heaven is cool and all, but my hands aren’t going to honk themselves. I’ve tried.

Photos: Getty