Katy Perry Wanted Russell Brand To File For Divorce Because She’s An Alcoholic Who’s Afraid Of Her Parents

January 3rd, 2012 // 37 Comments

For those of you just joining the Internet, Russell Brand filed for divorce from Katy Perry after the two spent months pretending they’re happily married, even going so far as to pump Katy full of booze and fast food to make her look pregnant. Except not really, she just has a drinking problem which is how I chose to read this. TMZ reports:

Our sources tell us … because of the friction and their schedules, they never spent long periods of time with each other.
One big bone of contention … Russell was much more of a homebody than Katy. Katy loved going out and partying, while Russell (who is sober) didn’t enjoy the scene at all. We’re told he would often insist on leaving places early and asking her to come with … which would trigger an argument.

Wow, so Russell Brand’s life really is like Get Him To The Greek. It’s suddenly a good time to be Lars Ulrich. (If you saw the movie, that joke was funny. I’d never lie to you.) Anyway, there was talk that Russell blindsided Katy by filing for divorce in London right before New Year’s, but apparently she wanted him to pull the trigger because he’s already a godless heathen, so her parents won’t freak out and send her to Bible Camp again:

We’re told both Katy and Russell were on board with the divorce a few weeks ago — but they didn’t want to be in town when the papers were filed … so he went back to England and she booked it to Hawaii.
Since Katy’s parents are evangelical Christians, we’re told she didn’t want to be the one to “officially” end the marriage by filing the docs … since she was raised to believe divorce is wrong.

Yes, because after quitting the Christian music industry to use your breasts as a launch pad for singing songs about experimental lesbianism then getting married in a Hindu ceremony, breaking things off with a British heroin addict who verbally assaults anti-gay “crusaders” is what’s really going to make the Baby Jesus cry here. I get the feeling Katy Perry is missing the big picture, and that big picture is she already tipped her parents’ hand by revealing they’ve cracked Satan’s code and know he’s hiding inside boxes of Lucky Charms. You have cost the Lord Thy God this realm, gluttonly titted harlot!

Photos: Flynet, Splash News

superficial

  1. So this means we won’t get to see a little Perry/Brand kid with skinny jeans and the annoying British accent of a newspaper vendor? Bummer. 2012 already is circling the drain.

  2. DeucePickle

    Is anyone really surprised that they are getting divorced ? How long did anyone think that Superboobs Perry was going to stay married to a gay guy ?
    I mean, seriously, that guy is gay.

    • Jims hungry cock

      Quite the opposite dickhead, He’s fucked them all.

      Guys like you get no pussy because you think guys like Brand are gay, when really Brand is what girls want. Sucker

    • Venom

      He is a British man, so there is about an 85% chance that he is bisexual which as far as I am concerned is gay, so that most likely had something to do with it.

      And with regards to him fucking a lot of women, he may done so initially, but he sure as hell did not seem to keep them coming back.

      • Unfortunately, the fact that you consider Brand to be gay probably doesn’t matter one whit to him. He’s the ultimate bad boy, drug addictions and all, and that’s what a great many women want. He may not be your idea of sex on a stick, but I guarantee you they’ll be lining up once Perry packs her bags.

      • Venom

        I did not say he was gay, I said the likelihood that he is gay is very high. BFD is he gets laid, people do everyday. The 7 billion people in the world proves that.

  3. Cleavon Little

    Queer as a three pound note.

  4. Noel

    “Yes, because after quitting the Christian music industry to use your breasts as a launch pad for singing songs about experimental lesbianism then getting married in a Hindu ceremony, breaking things off with a British heroin addict who verbally assaults anti-gay “crusaders” is what’s really going to make the Baby Jesus cry here.”

    Seriously, this made me shoot coffee out my nose. Thank you.

  5. Katy

    Idiots! I was singing about Russell when I sang that I kissed a girl and I liked it!

  6. I’m usually not all raged-up about giant cans, but Katy’s are pretty fun. Plus she’s like super cute OMFGLOL

  7. Crabby Old Guy

    Blah, blah, blah…just shut up, Katy, and show us your naked tits. We don’t care about “you” – just sorta think seeing those funbagos unwrapped might be enough to offset any additional pix of Gwyneth Paltrow.

  8. forrest gump

    hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha: HE MADE THAT UP HIMSELF?
    …………asshole & number ONE-loser!!!!!!!!!!

  9. Venom

    Come on sex tape/ nude photos release.

  10. Clarence Beeks

    She had her tits out on SESAME STREET.

    THAT is SUCH a good Christian thing to do.

  11. Dinosaurland

    I was a bit confused about their pairing, considering the amount of time he spent rhapsodizing about banging fat chicks in his memoir. Next stop, Jessica Simpson!

    • Deaney

      some flattering tignhs to me that were nice. I’m fairly sure my friends know I hooked up with a girl but we go way back and there is no way they would tell my wife. I briefly thought about confessing to my wife but after thinking about it its not worth it. I’m going to be back in the city where the girl I hooked up with is in next month and I really want to do what we did again. And considering she is more than up for it . My question is how do I go about this if I don’t want to get divorced or have my wife find out. My wife has basically zero tolerance for cheating so I cannot afford to get caught. And I am happy being married most of the time.EDIT:I’m already married so saying I shouldn’t have got married is useless with all due respect. I have a daughter and I honestly am happy being married. I’m not foolish or stupid. I used a condom with the girl so STD risk is fairly minimal. My phone is password protected and my wife doesn’t pay or check my cell phone bill. I have never given her a reason not to trust me.

  12. tlmck

    Hopefully at least he will now go back to the obscurity from whence he came.

  13. Terry

    As far as I’m concerned Katy was trying to be like Gwen Stafani. Marry a Brit and live some fucking Euro fantasy lifestyle.
    It’s like some of us Americans that think we should head off to France for some cultural , spiritual awakening. What-the-fuck-ever! Her marriage is over and soon her sorry ass recording career will follow cause her shit sucks and she’ll be back in the states. Welcome home bitch!

  14. Fish, I am appalled by your ignorance of religion as Katy Perry sees it. Here is a helpful guide for you to reference the next time you get all mixed up and end up embarrassing yourself.
    Good: speaking in tongues, freaks in jeeps, latex minidresses, tigers gathered to watch you consummate your marriage on your wedding night
    Bad: divorce, natural hair color, hiding your boobs under a bushel

  15. Russell Brand Katy Perry Divorce
    Commented on this photo:

    So Katy would get pissed off when her sober husband wouldn’t like staying at parties all night while she got blitzed, and he suggested maybe she’d like to come home with him on the rare occasions they were in the same city together.

    She sounds like a fucking bitch.

    • TouchMeFeelMe

      Smackup – she’s not a bitch, she just sobered up enough to realize what a douchebag this guy is, so she split.

      Probably she’s wants to go back kissing girls.

      • I’m not going to argue that Brand isn’t a douchebag, hell he looks like fucking Rocky Dennis with better hair, but it’s not like Katy didn’t know what she was signing up for.

  16. just say'n

    Sorry, this sounds like some BS her PR rep cooked up. She’s afraid her parents MIGHT be upset because she’s getting a devorice; but doesn’t worry they might have a problem with her cheerleading and grand-standing to promote & celibrate homosexuality. What sect of Christianity are her parents from!? I have a pretty wide and varried circle of friends, and none of them will decry devorice and embrace homosexuality.

    Her parents are either total nut-jobs, or Katy is lying through her teeth (paging Ms. Lohan, paging Ms. Lohan).

    • Is your wide and varied circle of friends any more literate than you? It’s “divorce”, and one major “sect of Christianity” doesn’t recognize it any more than they embrace homosexuality. There are a lot of extremist evangelical sects out there that only allow divorce on grounds of adultery or a spouse leaving the fold – otherwise you’re expected to live together in sanctified misery.

      Perry’s parents are nut-job extremists, and freaking out over the concept of “luck” and Lucky Charms because “lucky” is too close to “Lucifer” is the least of it. They refused to make or eat devilled eggs when she was a kid, presumably because it would give Satan the ability to possess them.

      I have such sympathy for Brand you can’t believe – can you imagine dealing with a mindset like that at ANY point in the year, let alone during any religious holidays? Yeesh.

      • just say'n

        Deride my spelling (or lack there of) all you want. It still makes ZERO sense that Ms. Perry would be worried about upsetting her parents by being the one to file for divorce, while being the head cheerleader for GLAAD.

    • Bill Clinton

      How dare you come here and make sense. What the hell is the matter with you?! This isn’t FOX or CNN, take your logic and get the fuck out. We don’t need your kind here.

      • In the first place. she’s not “the head cheerleader for GLAAD”. Perry tries to have it both ways, and alienate no one in the process. Claiming her “modern Christian” (eyeroll) dual-pastor parents are proud of her – and if they aren’t exactly singing along about kissing girls and freaking in jeeps, they love all her other songs – is the usual claim. Her mother says she was “misquoted” in a Daily Mail article that wasn’t approvng of her daugfhter at all and stated “Hollywood has led her astray”, yet she never made herself available for followup interviews, so read into that what you will.

        As for being a GLAAD spokesman, voting no on Prop 8 doesn’t make you a gay activist, which is what Perry claims she is. When she’s the actual poster girl for fisting, poster and all, THEN you can say she’s the head cheerleader.

        Passing off pushing-the-Christian-envelope songs to Mom and Dad as being commercially viable is one thing – but telling them you’re personally getting a D-I-V-O-R-C-E and repudiating the sacrament of marriage is something else altogether. No one likes to tell their parents they failed or made a major mistake in life, especially when she probably had to really sell them on Brand in the first place. The “I told you so” factor and the push to come back to the Christian fold would probably be immense with lot of Pentcostal parents anyway, but with what I’ve read about her parents it must really be off the charts.

  17. Autofellating Willie N.

    Life is always better without a 1-eye (headshot of) sillyminati biatch AKA hollywoodian devil’s doll.
    Satanists in the industry are 2-inch dicks or silicon tits, anyways, and regardless of their own “illuminated” split minds, they’re as sleep and stupid as they get.

    Good for you Russell.
    Get a real woman, instead of a “i made a deal with the devil” monarch butterfly.

  18. Linds

    Katy Perry sucks!

    I prefer Russell Brand. He was great in “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”

    shes a fucking idiot

  19. browny

    Um, Katy Perry is 27 and Russell Brand is 36(ish). Of course he’s over the whole party thing and she isn’t. But, this doesn’t mean she’s an alcholic whore, fish, it means that they are at different stages of their lives. I get it that women are nothing but sluts and hos but give it a rest already. This used to be a site that made witty comments about the celebutards. Unfortunately, the level of literacy of the ‘fishes’ varies and this causes (some of you to fall back on the’ women be bitches’ line rather than try to come up with anything more salient (and witty).

    • It's the kimkim, bitches

      Well in all fairness “women be bitches” or “bitches be crazy” is just fun to say. So you’re welcome for helping you prove your point. I’m a giver.

  20. Russell Brand Katy Perry Divorce
    KiKi
    Commented on this photo:

    he’s a dush-bag any way you look @ it.

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