Katy Perry Married This Guy

Katy Perry and Russell Brand got married in India Saturday, and if you came here looking for details about what Katy wore or if everyone kept swearing the kid from Slumdog Millionaire works at their hotel, you came to the wrong place. However, what you will find is a caffeine-fueled rant about their marriage not lasting because it was entirely pre-orchestrated by their agents to make Russell a believable romantic lead and Katy not look like she hangs homosexuals in her backyard with her dad. To the soapbox machine!

Katy Perry Will Do Anything For Money
Katy sold out her Christian roots by singing a song about kissing girls which immediately made her a pop sensation after years of trying to make it in the gospel circuit. Couple that with the capacity to use her almost heavenly cleavage to make me write posts about her, and would it be that far of a stretch for her to date, and eventually marry, a sex addict to keep up her bad girl image? Which brings me to my next point:

Russell Brand is a Sex Addict
And not just any sex addict. A former heroin-addicted sex addict who also happens to be an enlightened British man that understands Christianity is absolute bullshit much to the chagrin of the large-breasted pop star his manager convinced him to attempt a monogamous relationship with. Yes, it landed him the remake of Arthur, but at what cost? At what cost?

The Inevitable
Either Katy’s upbringing/brainwashing will eventually reach its threshold of worldly knowledge and education – They got married in India. India. That’s right next door to Muslims! – or Russell will eventually realize not even the most spectacular pair of breasts can make you forget you used to have three-ways and opiates for brunch back in England. Case in point: Even I’m looking at Katy’s chest and thinking about having sex with two British women at the same time. — And Katy.

(What? These things can’t all be about Ben Roethlisberger raping people.)

Photos: Splash News