Katy Perry Has Been JonBenét Ramsey This Whole Time, Obviously

“And that’s how faking your own death gives you ginormous boobs. Questions?”

Thanks to the wonders of the Internet, parents have stopped vaccinating their kids and eagle-eyed patriots know how to spot which school shootings were clearly staged by Obama. (All of them.) But just when you thought the miracles were over, a new batch of super sleuths have finally proved what all of us have thought but were too afraid to say out loud: Katy Perry is secretly JonBenét Ramsey. And, really, the answers were staring us right in the face once you realize how Masonic sacrifice works and that the Illuminati is basically the goddamn Riddler because it loves leaving clues about its plot to deliver this world to Satan. Also, something about eyebrows, but honestly, that was the sketchy part. Let’s not get carried away.

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