Katy Perry’s Breasts Domesticated John Mayer

February 1st, 2013 // 16 Comments
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“Ha! Play pinochle with you again? This old rascal.”

In a new interview with Rolling Stone that I inexplicably read in its entirety, a more mellow, less douchey (for him anyway) John Mayer opens up about the past two years of his life not touring because of a granuloma in his throat which apparently involves dinner parties with Katy Perry who he basically admits he’s going to marry:

Do you want to get married?
I want to live a very traditional life with a very untraditional day job. You know what I mean?

What’s amazing, and I hate to admit this, is John Mayer’s a pretty perceptive guy yet even he doesn’t realize Katy Perry’s breasts hunt and break men’s spirits for sport. I mean, Russell Brand had an excuse because he was a heroin addict, but even he eventually wised up. “Alroight, love, now what I was thinkin’ is, you n’ me go to Olive Garden then come home n’ watch How I Met Your- JESUS CHRIST.” *dives out window*

Photos: Splash News


  1. Katy Perry John Mayer Inauguration
    Commented on this photo:

    Apparently, if Obama wanted more Congressional eyes on his inauguration speech, he needed to park Katy Perry’s ass up at the podium.

  2. Cock Dr

    Good luck Capt. Perry landing that great white whale.
    It’s another “my Christian values compell me to domesticate an entirely unsuitable man” moment for her.
    As soon as he’s out of her boob’s sphere of mind control he’ll be chasing the latest emotionally crippled Hollywood starlet.

  3. Gary Grant

    Motorboating has tamed the savage Mayer.

  4. mike

    Does John get a heroin rush when he has intercourse with her!?
    I assume Russell left his private, selected stash in her nether region or under her right fun-bag cuz you know their car’s steering wheel is on the right.

  5. pavement_smear

    I believe you may be misinterpreting his statement. I translate it as “She hasn’t done the difficult brown yet, and I’ll say whatever I have to until she does.”

  6. Dr. J

    I’m pretty sure “musician”–”banger of drums” “singer of songs”–is right up there with “prostitute” as the most traditional of jobs. And did anyone ever read John Mayer’s column in Esquire called Music Lessons With John Mayer where all he talked about was how much he got laid and what playlists he and the wonderland would listen to while they swam in their sea of blankets? Then as now: Awww? Music lessons with John Mayer? Do we hafta? and, That’s enough John Mayer. That’s enough.

  7. What is it about Christian girls boobs that hook these promiscuous men want to settle down? Only to realize a few years later that it’s totally not worth it.

  8. Katy Perry John Mayer Inauguration
    Commented on this photo:

    oh, honey…

  9. youjew

    Perfect fit for the braindead obama loving dipshit = a filandering jew.

  10. Carl

    Another man to have dumped Jennifer Aniston and found real love with another women. Like Vince V he will probably get married and have a kid. Jennifer Aniston must be frigid.

    • sobrietyisacrutch

      I heard that she’s extremely needy and clingy. Either way, it makes me feel much better living in the real world.
      Even without all the money.

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