Katy Perry and I Had Similar Childhoods

Katy Perry is featured in the latest issue of Rolling Stone (above) where she opens up about her religious upbringing that she’s apparently only slightly abandoned to pursue a more lucrative career shooting whipped cream out of her tits. I say slightly abandoned because she seems to see nothing wrong with her parents literally babbling at each other and pretending it’s divine communication. Via CNN:

The California girl, who has “Jesus” tattooed on her left wrist, tells the magazine, “Speaking in tongues is as normal to me as ‘Pass the salt..’ It’s a secret, direct prayer language to God.” Perry, 25, adds that her dad usually speaks in tongues while her mom plays interpreter. “That’s their gift,” she explains.
“I wasn’t able to say I was lucky because my mother would rather us say that we were blessed, and she also didn’t like that lucky sounded like Lucifer.”
In fact, the quirky brunette reveals, “I wasn’t allowed to eat Lucky Charms, but I think that was the sugar. I think my mom lied to me about that one.”

WARNING: If you’re looking for witty comments peppered with penis jokes and/or are easily offended when someone points out Jesus is a fictional character, now would be a good time to abandon the post.

For those of you who don’t know, I grew up in an evangelical household – my father’s a pastor – so allow me to explain how “speaking in tongues” works in case you’ve only ever lived in a world of logic and reason: It’s bullshit. Complete and utter bullshit. Basically, in the heat of spiritual frenzy, you start babbling incoherent gibberish because somewhere in the Bible it says that bystanders heard Jesus’ disciples praying in “foreign tongues.” Except what you see in churches across America is people pretending to be on a direct wavelength with God and given an opportunity to demonstrate that fact so everyone can see how super-Christian they are. Again, bullshit. Even more bullshitty is Katy Perry’s mom claiming she can interpret it. It’s babble. Literal babble. That’s like saying you can communicate fluently with infants in their own language. “Baby Jimmy thinks this episode of Sesame Street is as loquacious as it is pedantic. Also, poop.”

I literally feel for Katy Perry. When I was 25, I also had a sense of the real world but wasn’t quite able to accept my parents’ belief as the intellectually bankrupt, man-made constructs they are without compromising my love and respect for them. Except I at least had the luxury of attending a secular high school and college instead of Christian “schools,” so I understand the indoctrination runs way deeper here. Though apparently not deep enough to ward off premarital British cock. So maybe there’s hope here yet.

*climbs off soapbox*

Photos: Rolling Stone