Katy Perry’s Divorce Was Just God’s Way Of Helping Her Parents’ Ministry

January 6th, 2012 // 40 Comments
Milking For Jesus
Katy Perry
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Katy Perry‘s parents have demonstrated in the past that they have absolutely zero qualms about milking her heathen breasts to do the Lord’s work, so it really shouldn’t come as a surprise that they’ve already glommed onto her divorce from Russell Brand to fill pews. Via The Daily Mail:

Mary, 63, preached to the Church on the Rise congregation in Westlake, Ohio [Thursday]: ‘I’m sure that Katy’s trending on the Internet was to get you here to church tonight.
‘I mean all over the world, who knows how God is bringing them in? The most important thing is you are here and God wants to put the fire in you in 2012.’
She and husband Keith, 63, billed themselves as ‘Katy Perry’s parents in marketing materials for the event, reported CNN.

But just to set the record straight, Katy’s parents made sure everyone knew they raised her right – i.e. sheltered her from the outside world, and most importantly, Lucky Charms – and still love her even though she’s become a walking tit parade singing the praises of fleshly delights thanks to all that sheltering they did:

Katy was brought up as a devout Christian in Santa Barbara, California. She listened only to gospel music and was banned from watching TV.
Keith also choked back tears when talking about his daughter’s different lifestyle, reported The Sun.
‘I love my daughter and I will always love her. Stop being judgmental and critical. Do not close the doors to your loved ones, especially your children.
‘Just because they do not like what you do or what you are, they are still praying that you stay in the race. They are counting on you.’

And by “counting on you” Katy Perry’s dad clearly means he’s counting on her to stay famous so suckers can keep filling the offering plates. That’s prime griftin’ right there.

Photos: Getty, Splash News

superficial

  1. dinosaurland

    I didn’t know Katy Perry’s mom was Jane Fonda.

  2. EricLr

    And lo the Lord gaveth to thou big titties, so that thou might quell the hearts of the unbeliever with thouest blessed giant milk jugs.

  3. Stupid

    Her parents are pretty old compared to her age. I guess they were late bloomers.

    • They were 36 when Katy was born, and she’s the second of three children. I suppose that’s on the older side of the curve, but compared to the Duggars…

  4. Cock Dr

    What a bozo biblical bunch.
    Keep putting those hard earned dollars into that collection plate suckers.

  5. skunk

    titty whore

  6. Cher X

    Whoa there Daddy! Low-rise pants with a t-shirt and blazer? Way to be a an aging hipster for the Lord!

  7. Oogidyboogidy

    “Trending” is not a fucking verb. It’s not even a real fucking word.

  8. brit

    Religiuos idiots breaking the rules of their own sacred texts… and I quote:

    Matthew 6:5
    And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. 6 But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

    • “But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.”

      This. Exactly this. But, of course, this is one of those verses that “doesn’t count.”

      • Cock Dr

        None of them count. Tis naught but a mess of confusing & conflicting ancient texts.

      • Funny how the only verses that count are the ones the particular Christian you’re talking to likes…

        Then, I shouldn’t just pick on the Christians…I’m sure just about every group that has holy texts cherry-picks the shit out of them. It’s just a lot more obvious when Christians do it.

    • The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides with the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and good will shepherds the weak through the mounds of mouth watering flesh, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon those with great vengeance and with furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy those lovely funbags, my brothers. And you will know that my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.

      • Richard McBeef

        I gave up my faith when i realized that I nobody was going to get me high at the gates of the city after laying with betrothed virgins, that motherfuckers were literally gonna be throwing rocks. That shit is just mean.

    • Yea, and verily I say unto thee, that thine D-cup floweth over with major boobage.

  9. SIN

    That’s her mom and she is 63? Katy will age nicely it seems.

  10. Russell Brand Keith Hudson
    KC
    Commented on this photo:

    Not pictured: “I’m with stupid” shirt.

  11. dude

    How about mentioning that Katy has sold her soul to the devil, and openly worships such things?!?!?!?!?!

  12. Wow.. I grew up with crazy Christian parents, and I’m not rich or anything. Where’s my f*cking money???

  13. Is that a picture of Elvis or Adam Lambert on her dad’s wife beater shirt?

  14. Venom

    Any 63 year old “preacher” who dresses like her father cannot be trusted. Her mother looks nice so it seems like Katy Perry might be one of the women worth marrying for the long term, you know aside from the mountains of cash she has…

  15. tumble weed

    the BIG question: WHERE DID SHE BUY THIS WISDOM, folks?

  16. Katy Perry Keith Hudson Mary Hudson
    Commented on this photo:

    Even though she was behind the barrier, ten feet away, at that moment, Laura LaCava felt like she was part of Katy Perry’s family.

  17. HotDonna

    She has a choice (and the power) to be a positive influence over the young masses for the shit show that is about to go down on earth. Open your eyes, people!

  18. Linda

    This could explain why she married someone who looks like Jesus:)

  19. Matt

    One gawker blogger fired for being a racist this week, but apparently being blatantly sacrilegious is still perfectly acceptable.

  20. Russell Brand Keith Hudson
    The Most Interesting
    Commented on this photo:

    “Did you hear the one about the Jew, the Catholic, and the colored boy who went to heaven?”

  21. Katy Perry Keith Hudson Mary Hudson
    Commented on this photo:

    Of course they’re anti-Semitic, her father is the pastor of The Newly Reformed Church of the Surfing Elvis, it’s in their dogma.

  22. Katy Perry Keith Hudson
    The Pope
    Commented on this photo:

    “C’mon sugartits, let’s go get me a drink!”

  23. Katy Perry Keith Hudson Mary Hudson
    DKK
    Commented on this photo:

    Evil jews run Hollywood among other things. His criticism was quite mild.

  24. Katy Perry Keith Hudson Mary Hudson
    dr. zivago
    Commented on this photo:

    I don’t know what they anti-semitic views have got anything to do with her divorce. Russell Brand isn’t a jew!

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