Katy Perry hasn’t been in a bikini since April because she doesn’t think she has to use her breasts to be famous anymore. *makes Sign of the Cross* So here she is in Miami this morning where her album sales just tripled in under a minute. I saw the whole thing happen. And, wait, this just in. AIDS! AIDS has been cured! Or, no, no, fuck that. John Mayer just bought a diamond. A diamond engagement ring! He’s also making divorce illegal, and signing it into law with Russell Brand‘s blood. My God, it’s a miracle.