Katie Holmes is currently rehearsing for the Broadway revival of All My Sons. But it turns out she’s not much of a box-office draw. Why? Old people have no idea who the hell she is, according to Star:
Although some people blame the economy, other Broadway shows — like Mamma Mia — are selling out.
“It did not sell like they had hoped for,” a Broadway insider tells Star. “To the theatergoing crowd, generally an older audience, Katie’s not a ‘name’ like Julia Roberts, whose run in Three Days of Rain sold out immediately. Katie hasn’t done anything Broadway patrons recognize her for — except maybe marrying Tom Cruise.”
Since I know old people freaking love the Internet and read this site daily between downloading episodes of Murder, She Wrote, I’m going to help Katie out:
The Superficial’s Guide for Seniors on Who the Dickety is Katherine Holmes
Katherine “Katie” Holmes is an American actress who sacrificed her promising career to marry once-legendary actor turned alien worshiper Tom Cruise in an effort to disguise his homosexuality. Sort of like Liberace but way, way more obvious.
Oh, and one time she totally showed some boob in The Gift. It was awesome.
The End.
Googlybits | August 25, 2008 at 4:18 pm
First….to reject the blow up alien head’s wife….
j | August 25, 2008 at 4:19 pm
first omg!!
rough daddy | August 25, 2008 at 4:20 pm
of course shes a weirdo and every one around her…
long, awkward prose | August 25, 2008 at 4:21 pm
it isn’t fair to say that old people don’t know who katie is… with billion year commitments you’ve got to think some of those scientologists are getting up there in age.
Ferdinand Narcos | August 25, 2008 at 4:24 pm
She’s really starting to look like the dude in this relationship…
Matthew | August 25, 2008 at 4:31 pm
she became weird when she married Tom and also Free Katie and TCLTC
Angry Beaver | August 25, 2008 at 4:34 pm
She looks just like Tom Cruise in Risky Business. I loved that movie, especially when his stunt double banged Rebecca DeMornay on the subway. That may have been the first one I rubbed out to home video. Ah, memories.
Rant | August 25, 2008 at 4:49 pm
Guido the Killer Pimp could make no coin on this chick.
CM | August 25, 2008 at 5:07 pm
Ahh yes, The Gift. She looked amazing in that movie. Not that I’ve watched any of the other scenes..
oh no | August 25, 2008 at 5:17 pm
I agree she is starting to look like him. Her hairstyle is just like his. Celebtards are metally unstable
Montoya | August 25, 2008 at 5:49 pm
I don’t think any of those old people are buying that this is an “actress.” More like a young actor, really.
ph7 | August 25, 2008 at 5:51 pm
Stepword wife.
With the mandatory Starbucks.
Randal | August 25, 2008 at 5:52 pm
Through thick and thin, you’ve managed to stand on your two feet through all of it, Katie.
From climbing ladders in Dawson’s Creek, to wearing your heart on your sleeve for Batman and now right to Broadway. Those who pick you, picked you well.
You will not falter.
Randal
Effyeray | August 25, 2008 at 6:41 pm
Is that Tobey Maguire wearing lipstick? I mean ya just know he likes the cock, but wearing lipstick out like that is a cry for help.
bosendorfer | August 25, 2008 at 9:05 pm
katie holmes sucks. i suppose some women defend her for some reason, but i know of no “fans” of holmes for any reason. she showed her tits in a very awkwardly “acted” scene several years ago and only latched onto mapother so as to save her quickly fading star. i expect she’s constantly medicated. this is what it looks like to be completely manufactured. back to OH, katie!
stephanie | August 25, 2008 at 9:42 pm
HAHA! The Gift. For some reason, I have seen that movie twice…
tara | August 25, 2008 at 9:49 pm
I love Kate Moss~~~She is very popular with beautiful people and wealthy at Richromances.com. I guess she gets many winks per day… Good luck! My queen!
JT | August 25, 2008 at 10:02 pm
she’s not exactly a draw for anything judging by the number of comments
Ted from LA | August 26, 2008 at 12:06 am
18 fucking comments and a few richromances.com fuckheads to boot? Fish, nobody gives a fuck about this Tom Cruise look-alike. Her sunglasses alone should have her banned from the planet.
Pinkerton Jones | August 26, 2008 at 7:22 am
I might be in the minority here, but I still want to fuck her. Crazy alien worshipping and vengeful gay midget husband aside. Must be some residual boner-inducement from the Dawson’s Creek days.
gerard Vandenberg | August 26, 2008 at 7:33 am
SHE LOST THE CONNECTION WITH REAL-LIFE BY MARRYING THAT LITTLE TURD, named tommy cruise.
That’s the whole thing folks!!
Turd Ferguson | August 26, 2008 at 10:33 am
@21
i take offense at you calling Tommy boy a turd. I’m a turd,
He’s more like…well,…diarrhea.
iamright | August 26, 2008 at 11:00 am
@5
She’s ALWAYS been the dude in the relationship…
sunshine | August 26, 2008 at 11:01 am
#22 – haha, you are funny, thank you for the laugh this day!
Mike | August 26, 2008 at 4:19 pm
Dude, you TOTALLY helped my mom understand who KH is….thanks!!!!
Don Knotts | August 27, 2008 at 3:14 am
Remember when she was hot?
Me neither.
Next…
sachalouise | August 27, 2008 at 4:49 pm
i am tripping over the word “promising.”
as a matter of fact, i am also tripping over the word “career.”
Mistik | September 1, 2008 at 3:27 pm
OMG, ROFL!!! U r soooooo funnyyyyyyyy!
xtreme | December 29, 2008 at 3:28 pm
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