Katie Holmes not exactly a Broadway draw

August 25th, 2008 // 29 Comments

Katie Holmes is currently rehearsing for the Broadway revival of All My Sons. But it turns out she’s not much of a box-office draw. Why? Old people have no idea who the hell she is, according to Star:

Although some people blame the economy, other Broadway shows — like Mamma Mia — are selling out.
“It did not sell like they had hoped for,” a Broadway insider tells Star. “To the theatergoing crowd, generally an older audience, Katie’s not a ‘name’ like Julia Roberts, whose run in Three Days of Rain sold out immediately. Katie hasn’t done anything Broadway patrons recognize her for — except maybe marrying Tom Cruise.”

Since I know old people freaking love the Internet and read this site daily between downloading episodes of Murder, She Wrote, I’m going to help Katie out:

The Superficial’s Guide for Seniors on Who the Dickety is Katherine Holmes

Katherine “Katie” Holmes is an American actress who sacrificed her promising career to marry once-legendary actor turned alien worshiper Tom Cruise in an effort to disguise his homosexuality. Sort of like Liberace but way, way more obvious.
Oh, and one time she totally showed some boob in The Gift. It was awesome.

The End.

Photos: Splash News

  1. Googlybits

    First….to reject the blow up alien head’s wife….

  2. j

    first omg!!

  3. rough daddy

    of course shes a weirdo and every one around her…

  4. it isn’t fair to say that old people don’t know who katie is… with billion year commitments you’ve got to think some of those scientologists are getting up there in age.

  5. Ferdinand Narcos

    She’s really starting to look like the dude in this relationship…

  6. Matthew

    she became weird when she married Tom and also Free Katie and TCLTC

  7. Angry Beaver

    She looks just like Tom Cruise in Risky Business. I loved that movie, especially when his stunt double banged Rebecca DeMornay on the subway. That may have been the first one I rubbed out to home video. Ah, memories.

  8. Rant

    Guido the Killer Pimp could make no coin on this chick.

  9. CM

    Ahh yes, The Gift. She looked amazing in that movie. Not that I’ve watched any of the other scenes..

  10. oh no

    I agree she is starting to look like him. Her hairstyle is just like his. Celebtards are metally unstable

  11. I don’t think any of those old people are buying that this is an “actress.” More like a young actor, really.

  12. ph7

    Stepword wife.

    With the mandatory Starbucks.

  13. Randal

    Through thick and thin, you’ve managed to stand on your two feet through all of it, Katie.

    From climbing ladders in Dawson’s Creek, to wearing your heart on your sleeve for Batman and now right to Broadway. Those who pick you, picked you well.

    You will not falter.


  14. Effyeray

    Is that Tobey Maguire wearing lipstick? I mean ya just know he likes the cock, but wearing lipstick out like that is a cry for help.

  15. bosendorfer

    katie holmes sucks. i suppose some women defend her for some reason, but i know of no “fans” of holmes for any reason. she showed her tits in a very awkwardly “acted” scene several years ago and only latched onto mapother so as to save her quickly fading star. i expect she’s constantly medicated. this is what it looks like to be completely manufactured. back to OH, katie!

  16. stephanie

    HAHA! The Gift. For some reason, I have seen that movie twice…

  17. tara

    I love Kate Moss~~~She is very popular with beautiful people and wealthy at Richromances.com. I guess she gets many winks per day… Good luck! My queen!

  18. JT

    she’s not exactly a draw for anything judging by the number of comments

  19. Ted from LA

    18 fucking comments and a few richromances.com fuckheads to boot? Fish, nobody gives a fuck about this Tom Cruise look-alike. Her sunglasses alone should have her banned from the planet.

  20. Pinkerton Jones

    I might be in the minority here, but I still want to fuck her. Crazy alien worshipping and vengeful gay midget husband aside. Must be some residual boner-inducement from the Dawson’s Creek days.

    That’s the whole thing folks!!

  22. Turd Ferguson

    i take offense at you calling Tommy boy a turd. I’m a turd,
    He’s more like…well,…diarrhea.

  23. iamright


    She’s ALWAYS been the dude in the relationship…

  24. sunshine

    #22 – haha, you are funny, thank you for the laugh this day!

  25. Dude, you TOTALLY helped my mom understand who KH is….thanks!!!!

  26. Remember when she was hot?

    Me neither.


  27. sachalouise

    i am tripping over the word “promising.”

    as a matter of fact, i am also tripping over the word “career.”

  28. Mistik

    OMG, ROFL!!! U r soooooo funnyyyyyyyy!

  29. xtreme

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