Katie Holmes gets a pacifier

April 7th, 2006 // 65 Comments

cruise-holmes-pacifier.jpgIn the most made up story of the year, Star reports that Tom Cruise has commissioned an adult-sized pacifier for Katie Holmes to suck on while she gives birth. A source says:

“He commissioned an adult-sized ‘binky’ for Katie to clench between her teeth, hoping that it’ll squelch her screams. In keeping with a Scientology silent birth, Tom is prepared to do whatever it takes to muffle Katie’s moans and groans during the delivery.”

The sad thing is, Tom Cruise is so out of his mind that all the crazy things tabloids make up about him are actually believable. They could print a story tomorrow that says “Tom Cruise eats deaf people to save hearing!” and people would just assume it was a weird Scientology ritual. Which, ironically, it is. Yeah, I said it. Scientologists eat deaf people.

superficial

  1. HollyJ

    I’ve given birth twice.

    The first time they overdid the anaesthesia so much that I couldn’t feel my legs for two days. That time I was yelling because my legs were dangling dead meat.

    The second time, they turned the drip off too early and it was O NATURALLE by the time delivery time rolled around. That time I was yelling at them because it hurt like a mo-fo.

    The moral is that (1) doctors fuck everything up and (2) you WILL make noise when a huge cranium comes out your ‘gina…no matter what.

    If she doesn’t get a proper epidural or have an emergency C-section, she WILL be screaming (probably nasty words and accusations), no matter how many pacifiers he crams in her mouth.

  2. Pez_D_Spencer

    #32 – a little tribadism a/k/a clam jousting.

  3. maiira

    Wait, so Tom’s a pedophile now?

    I’m so confused.

  4. LRonHubbaHubba

    #32: Kudos.

    I can’t wait to not see Mission Impossible 3.

  5. krisdylee

    oh, he has nooooo idea… i hope the labour goes on for 57 hours, and he’ll be so freaked out that katie’s a sobbing screaming mess on the floor, pooping, throwing up, and looking like hell…. and after all her hard work, they want to take the baby away for 24 hours… harness the mother-bear power katie, and run, run away.

  6. #26 — agreed! If she can pass what’s likely to be a baby the size of a 10-pound bowling ball through her little slit without making a sound, lets see him offer up his little nuts in silence.

    Katie at 5 centimeters: “TAKE THAT FREAKING PACIFIER OUT OF MY MOUTH!! WHAT THE %$#@$ WAS I THINKING WHEN I EVEN SLEPT WITH YOU, YOU #$#@$ ALIEN SCIENTOLOGY FREAK!!!! I WANT AN EPIDURAL NOOOOOWWWWWW!!!”

  7. Dee

    freaks

  8. junebug

    I saw this movie! It was called Rosemary’s Baby.

  9. junebug, I was thinking the same thing. You know that scene in Rosemary’s Baby where she has the bad dream? Her birth will be like that, and the delivery doctor will be Satan!

  10. oshkoshb-goshdammgosh

    Where’s Dawson when you need him?

  11. “Tom Cruise Gags Pregnant Fiancee”. What a story. i wish I worked at the National Enquirer right now!

  12. SweeterSweeterBoyfriendStealer!

    good one #26!!! #39, are you serious??? i always thought her tum tum looked kinda wierd, but then again, in no doc…but i heard that after the kid is born, there going to break up and he wants sole custody of his little Xenu. aaawwww, he really thinks that by having poor katie (who needs to get back with chris klien )rub her tum tum and say l ron hubbard that his spawn really WILL be….remember the south park episode??!!!!
    luv ya all guys and babes!
    <3

  13. SweeterSweeterBoyfriendStealer!

    sorry me again.. #31—- AWESOME rant!!!!!….and if you enjoyed THAT diatribe, get ready for this!
    yeah who the hell does tom think he is, of couse hes had a few giant butt plugs and a few dildos and a cock or 2 in his ass at the same time, but i HIGHLY DOUT that hurts as much as giving birth!!!!!! what a fucktard. oh, excuse me, i might upset the wrath of xenu and then all the body thetans of mine will be permantly negative until i pay the cult– i mean church– of scientoloCRAZINESS a few million so that i can possibly be alright and not infected with so much evil and negative vibes xenu caught in a soul catching machine….right….

  14. SweeterSweeterBoyfriendStealer!

    oh, so so sorry its me again…i seemed to have mispelled “DOUBT”. just wanted to clear that up before someone got offended and gave me a link to a dictionary. i have an idea! why dont you ( you know who you are ) just go ahead and GRADE all of us posting on this blog on our spelling, grammar and rhetoric?

  15. WakeUpWorld

    I’m a Scientologist and I’ll tell you that this crazy story about Xenu is total crap. Some people in the press keep saying that this Xenu story is what Scientologists believe. This is such garbage and it’s a story repeated over and over and is intended to keep people from looking into what Scientology actually is. So why would some in the media intentionally try and keep people away from Scientology you ask? Because most media is well paid by the pharmaceutical industry. They see Scientology as a threat to their profits because it is. Scientology has many, many answers that work and are practical. Let’s look at 1 example of how the psychiatric drugging industry is hurt by Scientology technology… Let’s assume you know someone who has been depressed for several months or even years. Did you know that with Scientology you can literally snap him out of his dark days and make him feel happy again, sometimes in less than five minutes. How could this be? Because Scientology helps and works like nothing else before it. There is no need to be on a psychiatric drug everyday for the rest of your life. This is just one of thousands of solutions Scientology has and it would take literally books to tell you all it has to offer and can do. Give a Scientologist just a few minutes of your time and you’ll quickly realize what a sham psychiatry and the psychiatric drugging business is. It’s OK to be skeptical about Scientology, but don’t assume that what you’ve been told about it is actually true. Just ask yourself would all these celebrities be involved in it if didn’t help them and others tremendously?

    HTTP://WWW.WHATISSCIENTOLOGY.ORG

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