Katie Holmes gets a pacifier

April 7th, 2006 // 65 Comments

cruise-holmes-pacifier.jpgIn the most made up story of the year, Star reports that Tom Cruise has commissioned an adult-sized pacifier for Katie Holmes to suck on while she gives birth. A source says:

“He commissioned an adult-sized ‘binky’ for Katie to clench between her teeth, hoping that it’ll squelch her screams. In keeping with a Scientology silent birth, Tom is prepared to do whatever it takes to muffle Katie’s moans and groans during the delivery.”

The sad thing is, Tom Cruise is so out of his mind that all the crazy things tabloids make up about him are actually believable. They could print a story tomorrow that says “Tom Cruise eats deaf people to save hearing!” and people would just assume it was a weird Scientology ritual. Which, ironically, it is. Yeah, I said it. Scientologists eat deaf people.


  1. kate_possible

    okay that’s just wrong, why would you make up that?

  2. Italian Stallion

    Is it a Dildo?

  3. Binky

    I deny any knowledge of this.
    If she wants to suck Binky – I’m expecting more of a relationship

  4. playahater101

    “In keeping with a Scientology silent birth, Tom is prepared to do whatever it takes to muffle Katie’s moans and groans during the delivery.”

    So what does that mean? He’s gonna hold her mouth shut? Gag her? Sounds a little creepy. I hope she takes the pacifier and shoves it up his ass. Then again he may like that.

  5. im sick of this people, katie & tom are nasty!!!!!!

  6. Blaze

    I dontunderstand why he is sooo conserned about her being silent.. what every happened to having a baby screaming I F@*king hate you you f@*king A$$hole…blah,blah,blah..

    what a homo

  7. Grphdesi23

    All I can say is…..

    This is fucked up!

  8. Obadiah

    For real guys: how long has Katie been pregnant now?

  9. Grphdesi23

    So, after she uses the pacifier during birth, is Tom going to allow Katie to suck on his man-boobs for milk?

    They say that’s best for the baby, too.

  10. oshkoshb-goshdammgosh

    I think they should give her a bottle of Scotch and put a bullet between her teeth, like in the Civil War. And just to piss off Tom, when the baby starts to emerge, Katie should star screaming “Yankee go home!” If only I was in charge of famous birthings…

  11. imabeeatch

    Tom didn’t have to get the adult sized binky made. He’s just going to use his supersized butt plug. Tom loves the cock!

  12. sweetcheeks

    #10 — that’s brilliant! I think my c-section would have gone splendidly if they had tossed in a bottle of scotch. And Atlanta had been burning all around me. And if I had a… um… “house worker” I could slap for not knowing “nothing about birthin’ babies.”

    Those southern belles know how to get it DONE!

  13. sweetcheeks

    I guess giving her his dick to suck on was simply out of the question. You know, because she’s not a man.

  14. whackjob

    not deaf people, dead people. They couldn’t hear it right.

  15. gsprescueguy

    Maybe he should give her a bat so that she could beat him about the head and neck area to help redirect her pain.

    That’s what I would like to do.

  16. oshkoshb-goshdammgosh

    #12 – ha ha, “houseworker”

  17. boredmilf

    I can just imagine the photo album:

    This is Katie having her first contraction…
    Here is one of Tom rubbing Katie’s feet…
    Here is the nurse checking how dialated she is…
    Here is Katie feeling the pain… starting to sweat – ain’t she beautiful?…
    Here is Tom trying to calm Katie down with silient whispers in her ear…
    Here is Tom offering Katie the pacifier…
    Here is Katie screaming and ripping of Toms ears…
    Ahhh… what a baby! It’s a boy! It’s got tenticals!… I mean testicles…
    Here is Tom in the ICU… after having the pacifier removed from his ass and his ears stitched back onto his head…
    What a perfect little happy family!

  18. Ashlee

    I find it rather amusing that he wants the birth to be silent. I wouldn’t have thought with all his blabbing that the concept of silent was even in his vocabulary.

    If he’s so concerned about silence why doesn’t he shut-up?

  19. imabeeatch

    I heard that Tom got a postcard with a photo of Earth taken from space…

    On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

  20. bravegirl01

    GPSRescueGuy, ROTFLMAO!

  21. rds0811

    I wish Tom Cruise would be silent while his brain is giving birth to all this bullshit that he spews.

  22. that’s not a pacifer..it IS tom cruises penis…i mean PLEASE…a pacifer is near twice as large…esp. the girth…

  23. Binky

    Well… what exactly is your definition of sex ?
    I repeat. I did not have sex with that woman.
    I does however, sound a lot like my evil twin.

  24. Nik

    Why doesn’t he just have the scientologists remove her voicebox? Come on, it’s not like she’ll ever use it again with Tom around…and it would be a surefire way to keep her quiet during the precious silent birth.

  25. I am a propeller of natural child birth.

    And I think it’s a good thing that Katie won’t be hooterin’ and hollerin’. Especially if it’s a boy.

    I mean, heh, a man’s got the rest of his life to hear a woman yellin’ at him!

    * This message paid for by George W. Bush.

  26. CheekyChops

    Why doesn’t she just clamp down on Tom’s balls with her hands during birth and make sure he’s not allowed to shout either.

  27. Craig & "em"

    Tom Cruise’s singing hairpiece was not available for comment!

  28. Evil Willow

    #25 Do you mean you are a proponent of natural childbirth? I cannot even find a mental image of what a propeller of childbirth would be. Something involving a boat?….

  29. M@ce


  30. Maeve97

    I am now starting to think Katie isn’t pregnant. Okay, remember when she first came out as being pregnant, and she was at Tom’s kid’s soccer game? She was wearing that flowing shirt and her belly button was already an outtie, so people were guessing she was like 5 months prego. However, she’s still pregnant, so at the time, she was really like 3 months, when a lot of women don’t show. And then her belly got smaller, then bigger again.


  31. mamadough

    he didn’t father the kids he had w/nicole, so this is probably his first time being around a live birth AND HE HAS NO F’CKING CLUE HOW PAINFUL IT ACTUALLY IS. he probably thinks the childbirth pain is comparable to taking 2 dicks in the ass at once, which he can stay quiet for.
    isn’t there something out there that states they can’t really make any noise aroudn the baby till its a week old? like that’s really healthy.
    what concerns me the most is there are no real scientologists “doctors”, real doctors are too smart for that cult shit. you’d have a better labor with the drunken hobo that smells like piss helping you out than any scientologist “doctor”.
    i apologize for the lengthy rant.

  32. I thought she was already having pacifiers slipped into her water every 4 hours to keep her from waking up and fleeing that chamber of horrors that is Tom’s house. The one thing I’m curious about is how he got the semen out of his vagina to impregnate her.

  33. booface

    This came out a long time ago but it’s really worth revisiting. Make sure you have your sound on. http://www.tcruiseko.ytmnd.com/

  34. BigJim

    Why doesn’t he just stuff one of his pet gerbils in her mouth?

  35. okiedoke

    She is going to need SOMETHING to bite down on for sure. It’s gonna be hard giving birth to a baby you’ve been pregnant with for 18 months.

  36. gogoboots

    There’s something called dignity that Tom Cruise is SO clueless about. IT’s just plain undignified to make a grown pregnant woman do that, and besides that, it’s fucking weird as hell to even think about using a binky to silence the “moans and groans” of a pregnant woman. Would someone please KICK the shit out of him, if not I will!

  37. booface

    Yeah, and on top of all this, he killed Oprah too.

  38. Jayne

    Rumor floating around:

    ===I heard a juicy rumor today on the radio (Kroq) that she was already 2-3 months pregnant when she met Tom. And the baby’s daddy is probably Chris Klein but then he dumped her and she started dating Tom. Sp she told Tom he said he would take care of her and the kid and help out her career. That means that she’s already had the baby 2 months ago, but they are using a pillow or prosthetic as her pregnant belly to make it look like she got preggars when she met Cruise! This could totally be true, because really, it doesn’t make sense that she is walking around shopping, about to burst, and Tom is in germany with his plane on call (and it would take him 13hrs to get back to CA so he would miss the birth anyway). So the rumor is that when they bring out the baby, it will be a 3 month old and not a newborn. The source said she based her theory on pictures taken of Holmes since she announced the pregnancy and other Hollywood insiders. If this is true, how great would that be!===

    Makes sense to me.

  39. bafongu

    I need to get some of what those two are taking. Must be a hell of a buzz! Imagine sitting around their dinner table watching them clack their lips and grunt and point at things instead of talking…

  40. I’d believe it. Who knows.

    i just wished they’d come clean about these strange things.. instead of saying the press MAKES stuff up

  41. Nimuë LaMer

    Here’s a picture of the binky in question:


  42. imabeeatch

    I found a picture of what the baby is going to look like


  43. canucthis

    This guy needs to blow up and be gone. Can you imagine dinner with her Catholic parents and Tom? Oh wait I am sure they have never been together as Katie is just an over paid whore having a baby for a frek show so she can get more movie roles. Its all making sense to me now.

  44. ebayfan414

    He’s fucking insane! Why doesn’t he just sew her mouth shut and prick her with a gigantic needle everytime she makes a sound?

  45. she’s having a alien, tom wants everything in silence and not in a hospital she’s been pregnant for a year, he wants everything in silence because it gonna be a awful looking creature from another planet he can’t wait to worship this creature which is going to be the anti-christ…so he can rule the world.

  46. Tom wouldn’t just lend her his dildo because that’s his. He doesn’t share.

  47. Trotter

    39. Your almost right. Chris Klein is Katie’s baby’s father. But when Chris started dating Tom…

    Its a blackmail thing.

  48. Trotter

    ugh. You’re… Damn Percocet

  49. bunnyhugger

    oshkosh (#10),
    i hear ken burns is making an 84-part documentary about the civil war soldiers giving birth.
    man, it’s tough in the trenches.

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