Katie Holmes buffs up

May 4th, 2006 // 136 Comments

kholmes-buff-brides.jpgTom Cruise has signed Katie Holmes up to a company called Buff Brides to get her in shape in preparation for their wedding this year. A source tells the Daily Mirror:

“Katie can and will do it… She has great motivation. She loves her fiance and was proud that Tom oversaw this programme. He told her he wanted her to be the most beautiful bride ever. She was in tears when he said that.”

Buff Brides? He might as well have sent her to a place called Man Camp or The Sex Change Insitute of America. It doesn’t matter how much muscle Katie puts on, Tom needs to realize nothing will ever compare to that special night in the woods he first felt the soft caress of a steroid-pumped man in a thong.



  1. Sheva

    Why would anyone announce this to the public?
    Utterly crass.

    Poor fuckin Katie. Now she has to show everyone the new her.


  2. bigfatmomma

    THIS is why i read the superficial. well done!

  3. Feed_Me_Chocolate

    Can he BE any more psychotically controlling and abso-effing-lutely CRAZY?????

    Katie, the next sound you’ll hear is,
    “It puts the lotion on its skin”. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

  4. Edna Bambrick

    I am reporting all disgusting posts!

  5. Sparkylulu

    I would be in tears too if I suddenly realized that I made a deal with the devil for my soul and the soul of my child. Oh, yeah, and that the beauty and “glow” of motherhood is not nearly as important as looking my bestest for pictures of my wedding when they show up in the National Enquirer.

    God, what a controlling freak.

  6. Feed_Me_Chocolate

    Go to hell, Bamprick.

  7. Feed_Me_Chocolate


  8. LilJenny

    Her name is Kate, dammit, Kate!

  9. -= ChebyratoR =-

    TCLTC! Twice…

  10. ESQ

    Control freak!

    Tom takes it in the ass and LOVES it. He told via webcam and I swear it is the truth.

  11. ellamenno-p

    I thought he changed her name to Kate. rat bastid can’t even keep up with all his crazy edicts

  12. Binky

    This reminds me of the time I joined a group called “Buff Floors”.
    After a while, and after a run at Treasurer – I thought – “Buff Floors ? What the f ! ? This isn’t like the Masons or anything… So what ? buff floors…Like – blow me…
    Or am I getting off topic again…ooopppps

  13. Iambananas

    Thats cute… he knows that she worries about what she looks like… I think it’s cute. Might be a little insulting to Katie… but if you don’t like him, you’re not invited to the party.

  14. -= ChebyratoR =-

    HEy Edna why dont you have any cool links? http://profiles.yahoo.com/ednabambrick put superficial down since you are on this site often enough

  15. Ez-EEEE

    edna, choke on a fucking cock.

  16. ebayfan414

    What planet is “KATE” on? Can’t she piece the clues together? There are so many obvious signs that Tom love the cock, and she just doesn’t get it! I mean, why the hell does she think Tom makes her wear a strap-on every night and fuck him in the ass? Before you know it he’ll be hypnotizing her to get a beard transplant. And cut her boobs off. And install an adam’s apple. Geez!

  17. radio4play

    Just for Tracie…FIRST!

    TCLTC SERIOUSLY he loves it

  18. Sheva

    Screw you Llamas and the lamda lamda lamda gay crew you rode in on.

    This is not a support Tom Cruise site or haven’t you noticed?


  19. Feed_Me_Chocolate

    She was in tears when he told her BECAUSE HE WAS HOLDING A GUN TO HER HEAD.

  20. Fa Cube Itches

    The sound clip is awesome:

    “Ok class, it works like this. Cup his balls with your LEFT hand, and work the shaft towards your mouth with your RIGHT! Erm…or so I’ve heard.”

  21. Unabashed Liar

    What the hell? I always thought sending your wife-to-be to fat-camp before the wedding would be consider insulting and demeaning, not something that would qualify you for husband of the year.

    Maybe Mr. Cruise should write a book on the subject of relationships, since he is apparently so freakin’ gosu now. Or at least give the rest of us poor SOBs a few tips on brainwashing and mind control.

  22. QuitEatingFatAss

    This is one thing I’ll agree with Tom – I wouldn’t want a cow as a bride either. Having a baby is no excuse for being fat.

  23. Iambananas

    No one can be controlled unless they want to be… so he’s been married 3 times and all the sudden now he’s a control freak? That kind of thing does not sprout out of the ground… he’s a nice guy, thats all.

  24. Iambananas

    #30, I would love to see a pic of you… wait…


  25. Edna Bambrick

    #22 This is not my favorite site. This site posts disgusting images of womens private areas and provides a forum for posters to post disgusting posts about them. The link you have posted is not my yahoo profile, http://profiles.yahoo.com/edna_bambrick is mine. There are several sinful people that pose as me on yahoo as well as this website.

    #24 You are REPORTED!

  26. ptprez

    @12…with my balls in your mouth…”immm mmmptng mmdimm pothhhh”

  27. Feed_Me_Chocolate

    Lambananas, I am SOOO glad that I won’t be going to that party you keep on mentioning IN EVERY SINGLE POST. BTW, you must be a masochist, you intentionally come on this site, post your ridiculous little pro-Tom rantings, when you know everyone on here (INCLUDING THE GUY WHO DOES THE ENTRIES) hates TOM “Loves to Cuddle the Cock” Cruise!!!!!!!

  28. saltpeanuts

    Wow, Tom wants her to get buff? More proof that Tom loves the cock.

    Maybe she’s just the host to some fat body thetans.

  29. sweetcheeks

    There are thousands of Tom Cruise fan sites out there, Bananas. Well, maybe hundreds. Okay… like five or six. Find one and get the fuck off this thread.

  30. Feed_Me_Chocolate

    If this site is so revolting to, Bamprick, please go away and never come back!

  31. sweetcheeks

    Nothing makes you feel more secure than your husband changing your name and sending you to fat camp.

  32. gogoboots

    Yeah, it must be really empowering for Kate to be sent to fat camp for just having a baby. I find nothing more insulting, I can’t help but feel sorry for the girl, she must wonder what the hell is going on with him. It must have been tears in her eyes for being seen as a heiffer or something!

  33. ptprez

    edna think about it…the lord looks at you and laughs…there’s hunger, famine, drought, death, and the superficial…really, on the pecking list God has more to do…sit down, watch reruns of seventh heaven and shut the fuck up…

  34. CruisingForCock

    21 Honey, you are bananas. We’re not invited because there isn’t a party. I told you that you have to take your medication every single day.

  35. Edna Bambrick

    Do you enjoy being sinful? Have you not been saved? I will clean up the internet and rid it of terrorists.

  36. SWEET BABY JESUS lambananas you are one annoying motherfucker!

    Tom announces her name is Kate and she’s going to get buff in one week. Soon the announcement will be her name is Bob and she’s having a “strap-a-cictomy” to compliment that new buff-bod.

    Shit!! American Haunting ad scares my nipples hard every time I accidently mouse over it.

  37. CruisingForCock

    I think Katie has 40 million reasons to go to fat camp.

  38. @43 – Edna…YES, I enjoy being sinful. It pays very VERY well!

  39. MasterofMuppets

    When is Tom changing her name to Ken?

  40. Pikachelsea

    “I want Katie to not be a total cow, I mean to the be the most beautiful bride ever! Geez, lose that baby fat already!… er, darling.”

    And she acts like that’s supposed to be a compliment… lol. Figures… she’s already brainwashed anyways.

  41. prideofchucky

    Good god! Next he’ll probably give her “Vitamin Shakes” chock full of estrogen blockers and Mega-Mass 3000! Run Katie Run! This is ur future!


  42. BigJim

    Well, I guess I can understand a man not wanting to have a total whale for a wife. I mean, that’s why Edna’s husband divorced her, right?

    Still, I don’t think Tom will be happy until “Kate” can benchpress a Volkswagon.

  43. I wonder whether I do not prefer to intend to speak about the world cup of football rather than of the marriage of these two weak…

    http://bilybop.free.fr (to see my pics)

  44. Color me stoked

    I’m kind of new to this site.. and I have just one question-

    is Edna for real?
    Like seriously…
    “Do you enjoy being sinful? Have you not been saved? I will clean up the internet and rid it of terrorists.”

    like seriously.
    There’s no way that’s serious..

    Anyway, serious or not its the funniest post ever. sinful internet terrorists. hahahaha

  45. playahater101

    She was crying becasue he subtly told her she was fat and ugly and he wouldn’t mary her until she looked better. He’ll probably supervise the workouts to make sure she isn’t slacking off.

    Oh, and he loves the cock.

  46. Jacq

    How do you have any choice BUT to be buff, when you’re chained to a treadmill all day, sobbing, being whipped by your fiancee with a cat-o-nine-tails? That’s the cell right next to Sherry’s in the sensory deprivation area of the Sceintwatogy Centre’s dungeon.
    If I were Katie, I’d get in shape by grabbing that baby and RUNNING FOR MY LIFE.

    #23 – Someone likes to chow on the donuts. When do you think was the last time that bitch could reach around her ass to wipe it? Or saw her feet, for that matter? Someone’s got DSL’s. Nice pearl necklace, whore.

    #52 – Edna WAS serious. She’s some bible thumping cunt who will REPORT us for lewd, lavacious posts. Then, there were born a thousand Ednas who type some pretty funny shit under her name. She trolls the internet looking to “clean it up” but I think that we ran the real one off. Or gave her a heart attack inducing orgasm.

  47. ItPutsTheLotionOnItsSkin

    I just can’t keep my mouth shut. It’s involuntary at this point.

    We in the United States put our hands on the Bible and swear to uphold the Constitution. We do not put our hands on the Constitution and swear to uphold the Bible. That’s not mine, that’s a legislator named Jamie Raskin.

    Luckily, that good ol’ Constitution of ours allows us freedom of association and freedom of speech. Edna, you have every right to associate yourself with these people on the forum and you have every right to call them sinners and terrorists. You might not be right, but you have the right. That’s the luxury of this country — we can say anything we want as long as there are no “fighting words,” which (assuming you know where to find the Constitution and navigate yourself around the contents therein) I will let you find for yourself. Consequently and along those same lines, anyone on this forum may say whatever he or she wishes to say. If Tom Cruise in all his glory decides to be upset about it, great. It won’t be the first time. I suggest, however, that you use your rhetoric for a forum more suited to your ideology.

    I hear the Nazis are always hiring.

  48. LaLindsey

    I thought he changed her name to Kate??

  49. DannyJames

    has anyone heard from or seen katie holmes since giving birth??? all you hear is about Tom Cruise making her do stuff and signing her up for programs.

  50. krisdylee

    Tom: “When I jack off, I do like this…it’s a great technique. You there, yeah, you, big guy in the front row, I’ll demonstrate on you….”

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