Katie Holmes Gets Nothing From Pre-Nup, Doesn’t Even Care Just Wants The Eff Out

July 3rd, 2012 // 69 Comments
Scientology Made Her Run
Katie Holmes Tom Cruise Divorce
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Before we go back down Xenu’s rabbit hole, let’s just take a minute to marvel at Katie Holmes‘ acting skills. Here she is in her car after making her first public appearance for Project Runway yesterday where clearly she let her guard down for a moment and, understandably, looks like a tired woman who’s aging exponentially by the minute because she can’t even have a cup of coffee without worrying if there’s a goddamn homing beacon in it. Except you would never know that looking at every single photo prior to that because she’s practically radiant. It also suggests Tom Cruise more than likely jabbed a large penis straw into her bones and sucked out all her acting juice, but enough of my incredibly accurate theories and the undeniable truths they uncover. Into the hole!

TMZ reports Katie is getting the celebrity equivalent of jackshit from Tom Cruise thanks to their prenup, except she honestly couldn’t care less because apparently no amount of money is worth letting your daughter get zapped by an E-meter to prepare for a life of servitude in international waters. [Ed. Note: If you missed this Lainey Gossip link on how Katie is showing up Nicole Kidman. Read that shit.]:

We’ve learned the prenup Katie signed is long, tight and stacked in Tom’s favor. We’re told reports that she’ll walk away with $15-20 million are absurd. Our sources say Katie will walk away with what she brought into the marriage … and hardly anything else.
Our Katie sources tell us, “She’s not about the money. She’s not that girl. She loves to work.”

Katie also probably isn’t concerned because she’s clearly sitting on enough dirt to fight for custody of Suri, and she was smart enough to listen to her dad’s advice and not tell the Church of Scientology much during her auditing sessions. RadarOnline reports:

“Katie wasn’t exactly forthcoming with information during her Scientology audit/confessions,” a source close to the situation tells RadarOnline.com. “Katie’s father, Martin, advised her to be careful with what she said during these sessions so that nothing negative could get leaked to the press or be used to make her look bad.
“Look, Katie led a very ordinary and honest life before she met Tom and tried to continue to do so during the time she was with him. Katie is level headed and extremely smart. She was never completely committed to Scientology, but she participated because she truly was in love with Tom and she knew it meant a lot to him. Her heart just wasn’t in it though, she was always guarded and careful during the auditing sessions with what she revealed.”

And then, of course, we get to the latest too-good-to-true rumor that she caught Tom Cruise banging David Beckham. (I’d say Beckham banged Tom, but considering he’s an inch high that’d be anatomically impossible, so just assume Tom just puts on a condom – or not – and starts spelunking.) Granted, I’d really love to believe this rumor, but if yesterday’s photos of Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher are together taught me anything, it’s that God is a cold, uncaring bastard who purposefully doesn’t do things that bring joy to my heart. Also, Prometheus pretty much spelled out he does a lot of ‘roids, so that increases the dick factor. Honestly, I’m amazed he doesn’t just materialize and punch me in the face whenever I’m on the can.

Photo: Fame/Flynet, INFdaily, Splash News


  1. You’re making John Lovitz proud, Katie!


  2. Area Man

    Perhaps she looks that way because on top of everything else that’s going on, some jerk photographer was shoving a camera in her face.

  3. USDA Prime McBeef

    Gay Undie Wrasslin’

    TCLTC, you know it, baby.

    Take them kids and run, Katie! Run like fucking hell.

  4. Katie Holmes First Public Appearance Since Divorce Filing
    Commented on this photo:

    The mouth says “I’m so happy to be here!” The eyes say “Please…Kill me…”

  5. dani

    This is just a bad pic, she’s been looking alive again lately.
    I don’t like her or anything, but you go girl.

  6. Katie Holmes First Public Appearance Since Divorce Filing
    Frank Burns
    Commented on this photo:

    That’s the same look I get if I even see a commercial for Project Runway.

    • USDA Prime McBeef

      That’s the same look I had when the Dianetics Dolts at the local mall asked if I wanted a free E-meter reading last week. Had the same face when I saw a whole squadron of $cientologists running down the sidewalk with “$cientology Disaster Response” T-shirts so they could interfere with rescue efforts after the I-35 bridge collapse in Minneapolis.

      What I’m saying is, it’s thetans. Thetans are making her make that face.


    • Dennis

      I think that the typical look people use when sniffing their fingers after they know they’ve touched something they shouldn’t have.

  7. I think she is managing well considering a Gestapo, Ooops I mean Scientology police are on her case 24/7. Wise advise from dad also.So staying with midget for 5 yrs and having a daughter gets her nothing $ wise? TC’s Pre-Nup is probably love each other for 1 billion yrs and father me a prodigal son ” For he is the Kwisatz Haderach!” b4 talk of any $. TC is are a massive CUNTY CUNT!

  8. alex

    I agree with the others, “clearly she let her guard down for a moment” is just speculation…its probably just a bad picture where she was blinking.

  9. Why I am I not surprised, I predict after everything comes out from the divorce, it will be hard for Tom to get married again. In many ways He us just as much a victim of Scientology has Katie is. If not more.

    • JC

      If by “a victim of Scientology,” you mean “mental midget who stupidly signed up for the creepy sham to begin with,” I agree 100%.

      • USDA Prime McBeef

        Eggsactly, JC.

        I have more respect for those that were indoctrinated with fairy tales and bullshit bologna as a youngster. If you are a grown ass adult and start believing in Santa Claus, especially the kind of Santa Claus you have to pay to believe in… Well you’re just flat out dumb. Sorry.

      • Jack Ketch

        Fuck, don’t be sorry, man, you’re right on. He can’t have the brains God gave a gopher if he’s into a religion that blames the world’s problems on the human reace being infested with internal evil aliens, I mean for fuck’s sake …

      • USDA Prime McBeef

        Don’t be talkin shit bout no gophers, son.

    • BrandiLye

      Eh, everyone in Hollywood needs their henchmen. Tom chose Scientology. The Four Horsemen already had their plates full.

  10. David Chappelle

    Run Bitch! Run For Your LIFE!!!

  11. Could be a bad pic but I’m thinking she is just flat out tired and exhausted. I imagine she doesn’t sleep good at night. Must suck wondering if your next cup of coffee will be laced with arsenic.

  12. Katie Holmes First Public Appearance Since Divorce Filing
    Frank Burns
    Commented on this photo:

    Scientology’s experiments, aimed at making Tom Cruise grow in height, instead made Katie grow a third arm from her neck.

  13. The Royal Penis

    Because life must imitate art, when are we to see Holmes star in a remake of the Stepford Wives, like her predecessor?

  14. cc

    Leaving that marriage without anything is like escaping from a burning building with just the clothes on your back.

  15. terry

    Here’s the scoop. All them gay ass actors like Tom Cruise and Will Smith have joined that church because it caters to homosexuals . Katie married Tom to be a fucking front, a beard, and to further her goddamn career. That didn’t turn out to well did it. She is small town tv. What a cluster fuck. Disgusting!!!!!

    • Emma Watson's Vagina

      I do agree that Katie did marry him to further her career. but then again what Hollywood actress des NOT do that outside of ones that have relatives in the industry. Now time will tell if it will still pay off.

      but if she gets full custody of the kid and no visitation rights from Tom. she might actually get a guy to stay with her more than a couple of months. because who wants to be a co-parent with Tom. not to mention you would have to watch your ass literally with him. the guy makes gays homophobes.

    • Frank Burns

      lol@ “Here’s the scoop”

    • Blech

      Um, no, she’s not “small town TV”. She had a decent career before Tom– she just ain’t a nasty attention whore like the nasty attention whores you’re used to…


  16. Katie Holmes First Public Appearance Since Divorce Filing
    Commented on this photo:

    She got in want in over her her head.

  17. Wait a couple months. She’ll be *paying* money to get the eff out.

  18. Miss Moppet

    “long, tight and stacked in Tom’s favor”

    Tom likes his prenups like he likes his men.

  19. Katie Holmes First Public Appearance Since Divorce Filing
    Mike Walker
    Commented on this photo:

    She forgot to throw out the Sea Org Royal Pine freshener.

  20. Pat C.

    Next time Tom Cruise should just marry a Scientolgist to begin with – a Scientologist over 33 years old.

  21. Katie Holmes First Public Appearance Since Divorce Filing
    Salad Face
    Commented on this photo:

    Divorce: 1
    Fucks: 0

  22. Katie Holmes First Public Appearance Since Divorce Filing
    Commented on this photo:

    Despite it faults, Scientology does seem good for the skin.

  23. Katie Holmes First Public Appearance Since Divorce Filing
    Commented on this photo:

    I’ll Get You, He-Man!

  24. El Jefe

    I wish her the best and I am happy she is getting away from that whackjob cult.
    Like Nicole Kidman her career will flourish and her life will get better once she is away from them.

  25. Katie should get at least half of whatever the midge made during their marriage? Unless Tom is a homicidal maniac he will still get visitation rights to Suri — and Katie’s lawyers can ask for a freakishly painful amount of child support for the little munchkin. She didn’t work much during their marriage, and Tom can pay til it hurts.

  26. She must be getting SOMETHING out of this. Here’s the thing, if that isn’t Cruise’s kid and she blabs, it makes her look like a whore and she wouldn’t get a fucking penny. Unless of course she intends to sell her story to the press and maybe write a tell-all book. Point is that you don’t get married and have a kid only to not take a cent when it’s clear that she did it for cash in the first place not to mention boost her shitty career.

    I think they (Cruise and his cult) dangled Nichol Kidman’s career in front of Holmes and deluded her into thinking that they could do that for her. But several years later and her career is over not to mention that she’s stuck with some fucking nut in a loveless marriage and a kid that most likely isn’t his while constantly surrounded by those fucking Scientology freaks.

    No wonder she bailed.

    • sitsdeep

      Me thinks she smelled Limburger. He will pay her, because if I ever saw a woman about to raise hell, I am seeing one now.

    • Jack Ketch

      I could be wrong, but Katie Holmes doesn’t strike me as the type to write a tell-all. Although it would be pretty awesome …

  27. sitsdeep

    u might want to get another translator engine

  28. MyCoworkerIsHot

    I really hope there’s a tell all book in her future! That would be so awesome.
    Sorry no sympathy for her She knew what she was getting into.

  29. MyCoworkerIsHot

    Nicole didn’t stand up to xenu because those kids are not biologically hers. They are just adopted. Easy for her to say “bye”

    • Nippy

      “Just adopted”? Kinda unfair. My kids are “just adopted” too and that’s an unfair statement.

      So those “just adopted” kids aren’t really Tom’s, either …

  30. `Helena Handbasket

    Oh, please. She’ll get a pot of gold from that gay leprechaun. Just because it’s not in the pre-nup doesn’t mean she won’t get oodles of cash …the money will just be more of a bargaining tool in the divorce negotiations. BUT, if she really doesn’t need it, then more power to her. Run, Katie, Run!!!

  31. Xenu's Whip

    Katie may not be a slave to Scientology, but she will always be a slave to the rich and famous lifestyle!
    Spoiled people can’t live without money. No more Guicci shopping sprees or whatever the hell rich people do.

    She should have spent those 5 years digging up dirt, instead of shopping for shoes.

  32. Billy

    If Tom Cruise was gonna top Beckham he would need a ladder.

  33. Katie Holmes First Public Appearance Since Divorce Filing
    Commented on this photo:

    I see hope I those eyes. This pic reminds me that Obama red & blue pic. .. Damn wish I new how to use Photoshop.

  34. Katie Holmes First Public Appearance Since Divorce Filing
    Commented on this photo:

    I’d would say that new dick would brighten her day. But technically, if she fucked Tom Cruise, it would be new dick.

  35. Katie Holmes First Public Appearance Since Divorce Filing
    Commented on this photo:

    She looks like a heroin addict at this point. Good job dumbass… Keep starving yourself!

  36. lilgrandma

    I love you KATIE!!!! you put ur daughter first then a man,fame,n tom cruise!!SOOO proud of you:))YOU GO GIRL!!! all the women in the world should look up to you!!!!tom thinks he is GOD!!!Sry but i don’t think he is all there anymore:((he got to watch it as fast as you get to be a STAR you can become just tom:((He needs to chill n relax for his daughter sake!!Let the poor baby have some kind of childhood!!God says praise me but have a life too!!!The lord don’t want us not to have a life we are humans.tom is scary !!! Sry to say this but after awhile tom makes look like ZOOBIES!!!Sooo happy KATIE snap out of it!!And all for her baby!!!!!!HOORAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  37. If she gets custody of Suri, she’ll always have access to Tom’s money. Take that crazy fucker for all he’s worth.

  38. Jack Ketch

    Awesome link on d-Listed …


  39. lkl

    In this case, it’s not about the money it’s about freedom from a cult.

  40. Paul

    What I wouldn’t give to caption this pic…

    “Holy shit, theatans really WILL fuck your shit up!”

  41. Cat

    As much I hate to stick up for Tom Cruise, do you remember what he was like when he got together with Katie? With Nicole he wasn’t that batshit yet, and she divorced him when he went really nuts. Katie ENTERED INTO THE MARRIAGE when he was nuts. She had to know all this. If she didn’t she just needed to open a fucking paper or look online. So what’s her game? If she gets sole custody of Suri, but no cash for herself, she will still get a massive allowance for Suri, until the kid’s 18. And she’ll never have to work again, which is good for her, because she probably won’t.

  42. Rapsutin's Evil Twin

    For all fans of the new Sherlock Holmes movies, this is pretty much what Professor Moriarty looks like. Grigori and I met him years ago, and the likeness is striking.

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