Before we go back down Xenu’s rabbit hole, let’s just take a minute to marvel at Katie Holmes‘ acting skills. Here she is in her car after making her first public appearance for Project Runway yesterday where clearly she let her guard down for a moment and, understandably, looks like a tired woman who’s aging exponentially by the minute because she can’t even have a cup of coffee without worrying if there’s a goddamn homing beacon in it. Except you would never know that looking at every single photo prior to that because she’s practically radiant. It also suggests Tom Cruise more than likely jabbed a large penis straw into her bones and sucked out all her acting juice, but enough of my incredibly accurate theories and the undeniable truths they uncover. Into the hole!
TMZ reports Katie is getting the celebrity equivalent of jackshit from Tom Cruise thanks to their prenup, except she honestly couldn’t care less because apparently no amount of money is worth letting your daughter get zapped by an E-meter to prepare for a life of servitude in international waters. [Ed. Note: If you missed this Lainey Gossip link on how Katie is showing up Nicole Kidman. Read that shit.]:
We’ve learned the prenup Katie signed is long, tight and stacked in Tom’s favor. We’re told reports that she’ll walk away with $15-20 million are absurd. Our sources say Katie will walk away with what she brought into the marriage … and hardly anything else.
Our Katie sources tell us, “She’s not about the money. She’s not that girl. She loves to work.”
Katie also probably isn’t concerned because she’s clearly sitting on enough dirt to fight for custody of Suri, and she was smart enough to listen to her dad’s advice and not tell the Church of Scientology much during her auditing sessions. RadarOnline reports:
“Katie wasn’t exactly forthcoming with information during her Scientology audit/confessions,” a source close to the situation tells RadarOnline.com. “Katie’s father, Martin, advised her to be careful with what she said during these sessions so that nothing negative could get leaked to the press or be used to make her look bad.
“Look, Katie led a very ordinary and honest life before she met Tom and tried to continue to do so during the time she was with him. Katie is level headed and extremely smart. She was never completely committed to Scientology, but she participated because she truly was in love with Tom and she knew it meant a lot to him. Her heart just wasn’t in it though, she was always guarded and careful during the auditing sessions with what she revealed.”
And then, of course, we get to the latest too-good-to-true rumor that she caught Tom Cruise banging David Beckham. (I’d say Beckham banged Tom, but considering he’s an inch high that’d be anatomically impossible, so just assume Tom just puts on a condom – or not – and starts spelunking.) Granted, I’d really love to believe this rumor, but if yesterday’s photos of Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher are together taught me anything, it’s that God is a cold, uncaring bastard who purposefully doesn’t do things that bring joy to my heart. Also, Prometheus pretty much spelled out he does a lot of ‘roids, so that increases the dick factor. Honestly, I’m amazed he doesn’t just materialize and punch me in the face whenever I’m on the can.