Tom Cruise Is Trying To Activate Suri’s Doomsday Protocol By Phone

July 5th, 2012 // 25 Comments

“Ohmygod, what’s this noise coming out of my mouth? Is that normal?”
“It’s laughter, Katie.”
“And people do this?”
“All the time”
“…. Do they sometimes throw up microchips?”

And now for another exciting installment in How Far Will Tom Cruise Go To Make Sure Katie Holmes Doesn’t Escape With The Star Child of Prophesy. On top of posting armed Scientologists outside of her new apartment, Tom is apparently having regular phone calls with Suri even though she’s six and spent the other day talking like a cat. People reports:

“It’s an impossible situation and he does not want to subject his daughter to any more trauma,” the source says.
For now, Cruise must rely on regular phone calls with Suri, says the source, adding that the two talk several times a day.
“Say what you will about Tom, but there is no doubt he loves his daughter,” says a second source. “Not seeing her would be very hard on him.”

I haven’t felt sorry at all for Tom Cruise since news of the divorce broke, but you’d have to be dead inside not to feel for a man who thinks he’s enacting the fail-safe protocols in his daughter’s brain that will turn her into goddamn Hanna, only to hear, “Sorry, daddy, I’m not going to do that, and you can’t make me because I’m taller than you now.” That’s gotta sting.

Photos: Fame/Flynet, Splash News


  1. EricLr

    She looks a lot better without the sedation.

  2. cc

    Oh dear, now that the laughter has kicked in, she has a lot of catching up to do. That might take several months of non-stop mirth.

  3. Sven Golly

    I believe I was the first to crack wise about Suri being taller than Tom in a comment to the first post about Katie filing. I’ll be expecting my royalty check… oh, here it is. Never mind.

  4. sitsdeep

    Once she has a “relationship” with a man who is “into” women, she will have a big smile and quit carrying her child around all the time. (that is assuming Katie is straight)

    • Lemmiwinks

      Question: how many thetans can dance on the head of Tom’s penis?
      Answer: one (he has really big thetans)

  5. [img] 567-340_554.jpg[/img]

  6. Screw you Tom!!!!!!!!!

    • cc

      I must say, Suri is a cute kid. In one of my rare moments of earnestness, I hope she manages to put the Cruise/Scientology batshitness behind her and grow up to be the opposite of Lindsay Lohan.

  7. Katie Holmes Suri Cruise Ice Cream
    Commented on this photo:

    I havent seen this woman smile like that since, well right before she married Tom!

  8. Anonymous

    If I was Suri I’d to know what became of Tom’s adopted kids. I don’t think they’ve been seen in years.

  9. cc

    I just heard on the radio she wants the divorce trial to be held in public court. Tom’s jugular must be a veritable geyser at this point.

  10. Katie Holmes Suri Cruise Ice Cream
    Commented on this photo:

    She used to be so cute….the stress of a fucked up man made religion who’s focal point is self will do that to you. I hope she can lighten up again and put that shit behind her.

  11. VAnne

    It’s like the life in her eyes is BACK! Amazing. We always joked about her looking robotic and stepfordy, but I worried about her for awhile because she seemed legit depeessed and helpless at one point and I always worried she’s do something stupid. I’m not even joking. I think it’s wonderful she got it together. I’m surprised and very pleased!

  12. lawn

    If he “does not want to subject his daughter to any more trauma,” he should leave her the hell alone.

  13. `Helena Handbasket

    It’s interesting how Katie is garnering enormous public sympathy in this break up. I mean, she knew what she was getting into, right? She’s walking off with a billion bucks for her troubles, no?

    When I make a stupid move with a man, all I get from my friends is rolled eyes and a bunch of toldja so’s.

  14. J J

    why should he leave his own daughter alone? Is that what you will do? Do you have any humanity.

  15. El Jefe

    Wait until she gets laid properly or laid period, that smile is never going to go away.

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