Katie Holmes Filed The Papers AND Wants Sole Custody of Suri. SHIT IS ON.

June 29th, 2012 // 104 Comments
Tom & Katie Divorce
Katie Holmes Tom Cruise Divorce Suri Cruise
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See how she’s making her breasts clearly visible while hovering them close to Suri? Like garlic to a vampire.

So remember about 45 minutes ago when I wrote that post about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes getting divorced and made a joke about her grabbing Suri and running for the goddamn hills. She grabbed Suri and ran for the goddamn hills. TMZ reports:

Katie Holmes is the one who filed for divorce and Tom Cruise was “blindsided” by Katie’s legal move … TMZ has learned.
We know Katie filed the divorce docs in New York on June 28, citing “irreconcilable differences.” She is asking for sole legal custody and “primary residential custody” of the couple’s 6-year-old daughter, Suri.
We also know Katie is asking for a “suitable amount” of child support.

TOM: Okay, everyone drink your OJ.
SURI: Mommy, I wanna drink your glass!
KATIE: Here you go, sweetie.
TOM: Wait, I don’t think that’s a-
SURI: Eww! Tastes like medicine.
TOM: …. Ahaha!

I’m kidding, of course, Katie probably just found out Suri’s made with L. Ron’s sperm or something. These things are usually pretty boring.

Photo: Splash News


  1. How sad for Tom. Maybe now he can spend some time with his adopted kids, Black Son and What’s her name.

  2. MIA

    That boob shot is the real tragedy here.

  3. who cares

    HAHAHA Eric! That was awesome.

  4. Hopefully, for Katie’s sake, the Church of Scientology is not like Hotel California.

  5. virginia

    I honestly did not see this divorce coming, but oh well, its not like I knew them lol, hopefully this means less pictures of suri getting carried everywhere.

  6. GrandDragon

    The milk has gone bad, Charlie Murphy.

  7. Smapdi

    Poor Suri, that’s a rough age for a parental divorce. I wish she was either way too young to even know what is going on, or too old to care.

    • …or incredibly rich and privileged enough to have it pass her by with little consequence?

      • your mom

        … and incredibly coddled.

      • It doesn’t work that way. Children love their parents — even potentially bi-, screwball-religious-zealot daddies. And it’s hard on the parents, too. I don’t envy either of them.

        Well, maybe Tom ‘cuz he got to fuck Katie Holmes and Nicole Kidman, and because he has more money than God (the real one, not the space alien one), but other than that…

      • sitsdeep

        fuck them over maybe, but, as in sexually, idt so

      • Target Lock

        Speak for yourself. There are some things parents do that cannot be undone and kids grow up hating their parents whether you believe it or not.

      • muranobake

        Lol the “real God” aren’t you precious. Do you still believe in santa too?

      • DancesWithDweebs

        No need to be snarky. You have your beliefs and others have theirs.

        Whatever gets you through the night.

  8. after seeing this headline i only have this to say:Katie I love you and will you marry me.

  9. Lemmiwinks

    Who can blame her? Wearing a strap-on 24/7 must really chap your ass.

  10. Smapdi

    Brace yourselves for a lot of “Born on the Fourth of July” and Independence Day references by the pop culture media.

  11. El Jefe

    Lord Xenu and his minions are going to hunt her down like a dog and kill her.

  12. Sven Golly

    Tom wouldn’t want to be seen with them anyway now that Suri is taller than he is.

    • Crissy

      Oh my god, you made me lol, and my boss was making a serious comment, (“blah, blah, blah, blah and more blah”) as I pretended to check an email he sent me! “Cris, glad you find that document very funny, now please print it out…”

  13. JJ

    Holy Shit, who knew Katie Holmes had such balls? CO$ is fucking scary as shit. Good for her. Being with Tom Cruise certainly screwed over her career too. She was in the first Dark Knight and a couple of well received indies…Rumor was that she dropped out of the second Dark Knight because of Tom. She used to be pretty in a girl next door way too…I remember she was on the cover of Rolling Stone like ten years ago and she was pretty damn hot. Now she looks like a fucking haunted skeleton. She needs to gain weight and get some sleep.

    • grobpilot

      Don’t forget, she showed off her gorgeous rack in “The Gift”

      • Cher X

        i had totally forgotten about that.!

        I remember watching and thnking OMG, the little girl from Dawson’s Creek is topless. As I recall she looked a lot chestier back then though.

      • Her tits were spectacular!

      • Blech

        I don’t remember her ever being super shapely. BUT she was beautiful before marrying this hot fucking mess of a man that some girls still pathetically drool over…

        Good for her.

    • Brooke

      Not that talent has much to do with anything in Hollywood, but I never thought she was very good in Batman or some of those Indies movies… So while I think her career wasn’t destined for superstardom anyway, Tom Cruise didn’t do her any favors.

    • Burt

      News flash: she isn’t a teenager anymore. And, she’s still beautiful.

  14. Saw this coming a long time ago.

    • anonymous

      Oh yeah– I’m a step ahead of you prediciting they’ll both re-marry others within the next 50 years.

      • Burt

        They will both find someone else. She’s still young and beautiful, and he’s rich, handsome, and looks 10 years younger than he really is (and don’t underestimate the fact that Suri is living proof that he makes pretty babies). Sure, he’s…mmm…quirky, but that didn’t prevent him from landing Katey Holmes, did it?

  15. Cock Dr

    Run Katie run!

  16. kimmykimkim

    Of course he was blindsided. He’s an idiot. Some fucking thing by ex-husband said. Total idiot.

    • kimmykimkim's ex-husband

      Am not an idiot! And give me back my crockpot and Air Supply albums, I got custody of them in the divorce!

      • kimmykimkim's lawyer

        You can have the Air Supply albums, but the crockpot is the lady’s.

      • kimmykimkim's ex-husband's lawyer

        She gets the crockpot when she returns my client’s original Hot Wheels ‘Twin Mill’ in it’s original, unblemished packaging.

  17. The Royal Penis

    Since when is being married to a gay man an “irreconcilable difference”?

    If Holmes had a side dish she’d probably be fine.

  18. Oogidyboogidy

    She had better get in the Witness Protection Program just like Elvis..the cultists are going to come for her child at the behest of Pope Cruise and Wormtongue Misciavige.

    And that’s not really a joke. These lunatic nutters are not to be trifled with, especially when we’re talking about the child conceived from Elron’s frozen semen.

    • thespiral

      Agreed, I’m scared for Katie. But on the other hand, she must be sitting on some seriously dirty dirt to be filing for sole custody against a filthy rich nutjob like Tiny Tom.

      Forget about gay rumors, he’s either diddling kids or he’s enlisting slave labor to sew trendy lounge pillows for Muscavige from the flayed skins of people who tried to leave the Church.

  19. Gin&Tonic

    great, this means tom’s going to be on the prowl. now nobody panic but you are all going to want to check that tom cruise is not at your b-hole right now
    -glances over shoulder-
    aw shit!

  20. jenni

    Suri is the daughter of William Mapother, Tom´s cousin.
    Suri is similar to William

  21. dude

    Guess Tom forgot to change the batteries in her mind control device last night.

  22. dude

    Tom’s getting dumped. Good thing for him that depression doesn’t exist.

    • Hugh Evers

      Katie is rebelling now but proper counseling within the church could make her once again comply with Tom’s guidance and leadership… Or she could just take him to the cleaners as payback and go full bore train wreck and trash him. This is like Christmas early.

      • sitsdeep

        Oh my, i know it might mean I am evil minded, but, I hope she goes completely ballistic. If she does, very few will know the details, but the leakage will be so much fun.

    • Burt

      LOL. That’s the funniest thing I’ve read in a while.

  23. Joe Q

    Reporters dont know crop about divorce. She is asking for the sole right to make decisions about her care(what school, church, medical care, etc) – Sole legal Custody. She also wants Suri to spend most of the time with her, but will allow her to spend time with Tom – Primary (not sole) Residential Custody..

  24. Archie Leach

    As this will undoubtedly bring some emotional pain to Tom, I wonder if Tom will seek advice from Brooke Shields on antidepressants.

  25. SeeAlice

    Katie better grab the kids and the money the do a Whitey Bulger

  26. IndySteel

    And by “irreconcilable differences” she means “he had butt sex with Travolta”.

  27. TMZ is reporting that cruise’s love of scientology (and katie not wanting her daughter involved in it) is the main reason they’re divorcing. Yikes…

    • Burt

      TMZ also tried to paint Justin Bieber in a positive light by claiming he was bullied by an elementary school kid.

  28. lozzysnakeg

    Of course Katie asked for primary custody of Suri, that’s her only friend. Who else will she take to see plays and go out for dinner at midnight??

  29. Shavethecarpet

    Kelly Preston/Katie Holmes lesbian scene. Come on girls, beat Tom and John to the punch.

  30. Sounds familiar… Kidman only escaped alone but her kids were adopted (for a reason I wager).

  31. Caps Lock

    I think Tom needs a relaxing massage. Cue Travolta!

  32. Beefalo

    The contract was up and now she’s a free agent.

  33. sitsdeep

    Anyone see a paternity test in the future for this circus?

    • Smapdi

      I’m betting that is the leverage Katy is using to get out of the marriage – let me go or I’ll reveal the real dad.

  34. ace11

    She can be NORMAL again

    Back to earth

  35. Katie Holmes Working Mom Tom Cruise Suri Cruise
    Commented on this photo:

    The only time in any picture Katie kind of smiles… and she’s on her cell. Hah.

  36. Katie Holmes Working Mom Tom Cruise Suri Cruise
    Commented on this photo:

    Udderly scary. Those are some Nat Geo boobies.

  37. Brooke

    GOOD FOR HER! I obviously don’t know about their personal lives outside of this site’s super professional coverage, but she only seemed happy in the very very beginning. I’m glad she had the courage to get the hell away fom scientology.

    Twenty bucks says we’ll see Suri in her movie debut in about ten years, though…

  38. Katie Holmes Working Mom Tom Cruise Suri Cruise
    Commented on this photo:

    {No Caption Required}

    • Xeno

      The panda is thinking, “Dear god, not up the ass again!”.
      The eagle is thinking, “Are you fuckin’ gettin’ this?”

  39. Anybody who didn’t see this coming is an idiot. I wonder what she’s got on Tom Cruise to be brave enough to file for sole custody.

  40. Veronica

    Not even Dawson would have her now.

  41. DeviantDuke

    One has to assume that Katie getting out with Suri had to have played out like the third act of Commando, right?

  42. me

    I hope KATIE can get away from Scientology, and she can also save SURI.

  43. Katie Holmes Working Mom Tom Cruise Suri Cruise
    Commented on this photo:

    constantly guarding suri. id be riddled with anxiety. no wonder katie hasn’t aged well and always looks exhausted.

  44. Did he finally come out of the cupboard?

  45. She finally found the Code to the Shock Collar.

  46. I guess this means no more bouncing on Oprah’s couch. Nope! Because now (thank God), Oprah no longer HAS a couch!

  47. Katie Holmes Working Mom Tom Cruise Suri Cruise
    Commented on this photo:

    Them titties is a joke.

  48. Katie Holmes Working Mom Tom Cruise Suri Cruise
    Commented on this photo:

    Suri’s dad looks suspicious with something. But the dude on the right with a teddy bear looks happy.

  49. Mimi Rogers said this about her marriage to Cruise, “”Tom was seriously thinking of becoming a monk,” she “joked” to Playboy in 1993. “At least for that period of time, it looked as though marriage wouldn’t fit into his overall spiritual need. And he thought he had to be celibate to maintain the purity of his instrument. Therefore it became obvious we had to split.” http://omg.yahoo.com/blogs/now/tom-cruise-three-marriages-rundown-233932949.html

    • Burt

      It’s not meant to be taken literally. She’s saying they broke up because he was more committed to his career than the marriage and that, consequently, there was no intimacy left between them.

    • hehe

      and don’t forget the other thing. Mimi left him feeling empty and dind’t have what he needs. neither did kidman or holmes, and that’s a couple of berries handing below big fat twig

  50. I’ve been reading the Superficial for many many years and there was a time when Tom Cruise was ALWAYS a hot topic here. I have to admit that as much as I dislike Tom, I always enjoyed commenting about him. So for the first time in years, here’s my take on Tom Cruise’s life:


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