Katie Holmes Left Tom Cruise Because Of Scientology? Noooooo

After writing a way too long review of Prometheus, the last thing I want to do is talk about aliens and religion combining in another nonsensical clusterfuck, but there’s literally nothing going on besides Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes divorce which I’m not going to pretend wasn’t goddamn Christmas day. So let’s get into this thing.

Probably the least shocking news to come out of the aftermath is that Scientology finally caused Katie to smuggle Suri away to a secret apartment she was quietly signing the lease for while Tom Cruise was in Iceland, according to Us Weekly. Even less shocking, on top of that, private investigators that the church denies works for them so you know they do, have been parked outside said apartment all weekend. [Update: And they have guns now. Oh, good.] But after all these years of living with L. Ron’s Midget Jesus, what happened to finally make Katie start going JLo in Enough and make a break for it? Turns out Tom wanted to enroll Suri in Sea Org, the church’s hardcore elite echelon with a penchant for trapping women on goddamn cruise ships if they talk back. TMZ reports:

Sea Org, as it is known, is where the highest levels of Scientology are taught and kids as young as five can be sent to live there … without their parents — and our sources say Tom is a big fan.
Our sources say Katie and Tom had been arguing over Suri’s indoctrination into Scientology — and we’re told the Sea Org was the flashpoint.
The Sea Org has been often compared to a boot camp and several ex-Scientologists (including Oscar winner Paul Haggis) have been outspoken against its military-like conditions. The Freewinds, the massive Scientology boat that was the location of Cruise’s infamous birthday party in 2004, is entirely staffed by Sea Org members.
According to the official Scientology website, members of Sea Org sign “a one-billion-year pledge to symbolize their eternal commitment to the religion and it is still signed by all members today.”

I don’t see the problem here. It’s a one-billion-year pledge on a cruise ship. Do you know how many free shrimp buffets that is? A billion lot. Anyway, apparently all this Scientology business scares the shit out of Rupert Murdoch which is incredible because we’re taking about one of the most powerful men on the planet who doesn’t even fear the laws of man and has a ninja for a wife. The man should fear nothing. Via Twitter:

Scientology back in news. Very weird cult, but big, big money involved with Tom Cruise either number two or three in hiearchy.
Watch Katie Holmes and Scientology story develop. Something creepy, maybe even evil, about these people.

Okay, so Scientology is bad huju, and it only makes sense that Katie Holmes would make a run for it. That is until you realize her parents are bringing her back into Catholicism, so we’re almost right back where we started from. One religion takes your money while preaching women should be forced into slave labor on cruise ships to appease alien ghosts so they don’t give you pneumonia, while the other takes your money and preaches swallowing a pill to prevent unwanted pregnancy will cause an angry sky man to doom you to burning in a lake of fire forever. (Plus child rape.) So if these two are just going to cling to batshit beliefs, might I suggest Mormonism? Turns out they’re totally cool with you being openly gay while in a heterosexual marriage if I’m deciphering that incomprehensible mess of a dude’s life correctly. Except, wait, that dude still has sex with women. Tom will never bite. Dammit.

Photos: Getty, Splash News