Katie Holmes: ‘So About Those Penis Gummies…’

March 31st, 2011 // 45 Comments

Because there’s a chance people might figure out Tom Cruise loves penis so much he demands all his snacks be shaped like them, Katie Holmes went on The Ellen DeGeneres Show and set the record straight on why her daughter was photographed holding cock gummies:

Katie: It can be intense sometimes because there are moments in motherhood where she will have trouble putting on the coat or whatever. Then it’s a story about how she won’t wear a coat. Recently, I took her to get ice cream in New York at this place called Serendipity that we go to all the time. It’s for kids. The clientele is children. We go in and we are waiting for a table and she grabs some gummies that are boy part gummies. I was horrified.
Ellen: Boy part?
Katie: P-e-n-i-s (Katie spells it out) gummies. I said, oh wow those aren’t Swedish fish.
Ellen: Even I know that. I know the difference there. …So someone made those on purpose. They look like that? It is made to look like a p-e-n-i-s (Ellen spells is out.)
Katie: They are called p-e-n-i-s gummies and they look like it. She was holding the box and I was like ok, wow we don’t need that right now. Because I thought if I said put that back and then she’s going to say, what is this? And I really didn’t want to have that conversation. I was like, why are selling these here? This is for kids. And then it was on the cover of a magazine that I’m giving her those gummies.
Ellen: They saw them in her hand?
Katie: Yes, they were taking photos of it. I was like, oh my god, no. We put them back. You know so sometimes it’s like no, wait, hold on.
Ellen: So now people think you’re feeding your child p-e-n-i-s gummy bears…

Because I was only provided with the transcript (The episode airs Friday.), I can’t tell if this is true or not, but does Katie Holmes seem to be expressing way more emotions than usual lately? I don’t want to get anyone’s hopes up, but I’m starting to think that whatever happened in that Brainwash Bus Tom forced her to live in might be wearing off. Which makes sense considering she’s constantly exposed to an independent kindergartener who’ll just as soon cut you before look at you. “Hey! Hey, lady! Quit spacing out and get me an Evian. I’d ask ‘Thomas Mapother’ – tee-hee – but he can’t reach the top shelf either. *snaps fingers* Helllooooo? Goddammit.”

Photos: Splash News


  1. Can you blame her? There’s always photos of guys sucking these on daddy’s computer.

  2. Snooki's Taint

    S-p-e-l-l-i-n-g p-e-n-i-s o-u-t i-s j-u-v-e-n-i-l-e.

  3. That's Retarded

    That’s Retarded.

  4. Jennifer

    She can’t say the word ‘penis’? That innocent girl routine has run its course

  5. James

    Is that transcript for real? Is she really that much of an repressed prude that she has to refer to “penis” as either spelling it or as “boy part”? WTF?

  6. the one


  7. dlp2888

    She has learned that this is the only “penis”that a woman in the Cruise house will get!

  8. TomFrank

    “Serendipity… It’s for kids. The clientele is children.”

    The menu at Serendipity includes spiced chicken flambé in brandy Madeira sauce, sautéed chicken livers (also in Madeira wine), and a turkey-and-asparagus sandwich called “The Virginia Slim Open.”

    Oh, and, a $1,000 “Golden Opulence Sundae” that consists of “5 scoops of the richest Tahitian vanilla bean ice cream infused with Madagascar vanilla and covered in 23K edible gold leaf, the sundae is drizzled with the world’s most expensive chocolate, Amedei Porceleana, and covered with chunks of rare Chuao chocolate, which is from cocoa beans harvested by the Caribbean Sea on Venezuela’s coast. The masterpiece is suffused with exotic candied fruits from Paris, gold dragets, truffles and Marzipan Cherries. It is topped with a tiny glass bowl of Grand Passion Caviar, an exclusive dessert caviar, made of salt-free American Golden caviar, known for its sparkling golden color. It’s sweetened and infused with fresh passion fruit, orange and Armagnac. The sundae is served in a baccarat Harcourt crystal goblet with an 18K gold spoon to partake in the indulgence, served with a petite mother of pearl spoon and topped with a gilded sugar flower by Ron Ben-Israel.” (This was the sundae featured on The Colbert Report a couple of years back.)

    You know…”for kids.”

    • Mia

      Thanks for saying it for me. A place that sells candy gummy penis is not a place for kids. I’m sure if that would be the case then many parents more would be suing it and there’d be more coverage about that!

    • testington

      I was just gunna ask, “Has the store commented on this yet?” Because either they would have to say they are an icecream shop for adults (I live by an adult bakery that sells alcoholic cupcakes) or if they realy cater to kids then fire somebody for stocking p-e-n-i-s gummies. Hell every shitty Spencer gifts in any mall in America has a sign labeling the “18 and up” area where they keep the penis suckers and tit shaped pasta.

      • TomFrank

        I have no doubt that it’s a popular ice cream shop—or shoppe, if you prefer—among kids, particularly the pampered East Side variety (Serendipity is on a very chi-chi block). My problem is with the contention that it’s just for kids, which it’s not.

  9. “It is by means of a human personality entirely in his possession that Satan will wage his last formidable offense.”

    ♪ Sanguis bibimus, corpus edimus, tolle corpus Satani ♫

  10. Captain Obvious

    First time Katie ever saw a penis was in this photo too. That is why she was so shocked. How was the baby born you ask? It was given by Xenu.

    • Richard McBeef

      That baby came about with a turkey baster full of travolta’s stomach contents. Xenu didn’t have shit to do with it.

  11. meh

    Crazy. But why can’t paps just leave the kids of Hollywood nuts out of this? Take all the photos of the adults…give the kids a pass…it’s not their fault their parents are nutters.

  12. Pete

    This was an important test on the long road to becoming an operating thetan. Like her father, young Suri chose wisely.

  13. My Name Peggy

    Who didn’t see this coming.

  14. Cock Dr

    This gives me ideas on how to make Halloween 2011 a memorable one for the neighborhood children.

  15. Ellen? Wow. Cannot imagine why Tom had Katie do damage control on HER show… Nothing. I say Tom and Ellen have NOTHING in common.

  16. Looks like Suri already knows the perfect gift for Father’s day…

    • Bucky Barnes

      Coincidentally, the gummies are identical in size to Tom’s fully inflated p-e-n-i-s. Of course the only people who have witnessed that are John Travolta and about a million rentboys.

  17. This story reads a lot like a junkie at the gas station trying to explain why he couldn’t get to work today because he loaned his car to his elderly mother who had to go to the hospital and he doesn’t know which hospital so he can’t get his car back , and he just needs a few bucks for a cab to get to his job at the battered womens shelter, and that’s why he’s mugging you.

  18. Aja

    LOL – Ellen said ‘ so that’s what they look like?’

  19. Suri Cruise Penis Gummies Katie Holmes
    Tyler Perry
    Commented on this photo:

    At least the family all has something in common.

  20. Suri Cruise Penis Gummies Katie Holmes
    Commented on this photo:

    I wanna quarter pounder so bad now.

  21. “I mean, of course I didn’t recognize them right away, I’d never seen one that big”, continued Katie.

  22. Suri Cruise Penis Gummies Katie Holmes
    Commented on this photo:

    Mhm yummy they taste soo good

  23. anonym

    she was like, omg, like, like…….. like. like.

    and i was like, omg, like, trix are for kids. penis gummies can be too.

  24. Julie

    You forgot to mention that she was buying ice cream for Suri at midnight! Not only is that a pretty late bedtime, but who loads their kids up with sugar at that time of night?

  25. “Look, honey, these penises are gummy, just like daddy’s every time he sees me naked!”

  26. Colin

    “No, honey, we have the Scientology slaves buy Daddy’s snacks for him, remember?”

  27. Suri Cruise Penis Gummies Katie Holmes
    Commented on this photo:

    Like father like daughter.

  28. jeremiah

    I know you all like to joke and carry on, but the kid does look like katie holmes and tom cruise.

  29. big g

    tom is bringing you the biggest postal shit case ever in the history of blasping the rich and famous especially his lady

  30. Suri Cruise Penis Gummies Katie Holmes
    Commented on this photo:

    poor kid she always looks scared, mad and confused about the paparazzi

  31. amIevil

    You may see candy, but when you grow up you will realise that alien space-bats live inside your head.

    Someone please get social services.

    Oh it would be funny except the poor kid is DOOMED.

  32. victorianlemonade

    This whole thing is weird, but she probably spelled penis because it’s likely her kid was watching her on Ellen.

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