The Emotion Chip On This New Katie Holmes Model is Astounding

August 9th, 2011 // 37 Comments

Here’s Katie Holmes at the premiere of new movie Don’t Be Afraid Of The Dark which surprisingly is not a remake of the Snick show Are You Afraid Of The Dark? because she hasn’t earned that yet. (Old people found that joke hilarious, I just told myself.) In the meantime, the enhancements Tom Cruise has made to her emotion processor are light years beyond the previous models he used to tote around after the real Katie strapped a bomb to her chest and took out a re-education center in Phoenix. Granted he went a little heavy on the freaky laughter algorithm, this puppy is capable of elation, coquettish-ness and bourgeois disdain for questions beneath its station.

REPORTER: Katie, is it true Tom controls you with a remote app on his phone?
KATIE: *whips head* How dare you? — Initiate. Kill. Sequence.
TOM: Ahahaha! Such a kidder. *throws down smoke pellets* K8-E, jetpack protocol! NOW!
KATIE: Firing feet rockets, Master!

Photo: Fame, INFdaily, Splash News

superficial

  1. Jess

    Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society….I call this story: Tale of the Sunken Cyborg Chest

  2. wow shes turnin into a regular giada de laurentiis with that smile–not sure tho maybe id rather do nadya from bitchin kitchen..

  3. Richard McBeef

    Her boobs are gone and the only thing left is the bags they came in.

  4. Tofu_King

    It’s a shame celebs get caught up in cults. They could use their wealth and influence to do better things but they throw it away on believing alien souls cause mental illness.

    • Or believing that an extra-dimensional entity manifested as a human and died for a slight against that entity that had been committed generations before by people who didn’t know any better. Oh, and that entity hates gays.

  5. Katie Holmes Tom Cruise Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark
    Carlton Banks
    Commented on this photo:

    bourgeois disdain! Gold Jerry, GOLD!

  6. the one

    ….she refuses tom’s ANAL-BUSINESS?

  7. OnTheRealThough

    Katie got all that money & can’t get her teeth bleached? Looks like a bulimic.

  8. TomFrank

    “After the real Katie strapped a bomb to her chest”—no kidding. I think I see the crater.

  9. Katie Holmes Tom Cruise Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark
    KC
    Commented on this photo:

    The emotion chip may be working, but the cleavage chip is obviously broken.

  10. laurielou

    This is the one time in my life I will EVER say I’m sorry someone left Catholicism behind. Scientology does not look good on you, Katie.

  11. Vivian

    I am actually getting your writing today, Fish! lol

  12. Booboo

    Wow, she looks beautiful!

  13. Kate

    Does the “S” stand for Stupid Scientology Superpower.

  14. cc

    ‘at the premiere of new movie Don’t Be Afraid Of The Dark’

    Huh? I remember seeing trailers for this AGES ago. I thought it had already come and gone. Probably not a good sign.

  15. Katie Holmes Tom Cruise Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark
    Jb
    Commented on this photo:

    Ditto for the “should touch-up my grey hair” chip.

  16. Katie Holmes Tom Cruise Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark
    Pip pip cheery-o
    Commented on this photo:

    This pic is effin’ PRICELESS!! Could his feelings be written on his face any more plainly?

  17. Katie Holmes Tom Cruise Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark
    Pip pip cheery-o
    Commented on this photo:

    Thought bubble above Katie’s head:
    “Mmhmm just keep smiling and laughing at the little man’s jokes and I can keep buying Prada.”

  18. Katie Holmes Tom Cruise Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark
    Samantha
    Commented on this photo:

    tom cruise is looking gooood! i was thinking about how i would totes hit it.. but then i got sad when thinking about the things he would do to my brain and the things he would never do to my vagina :(

  19. Katie Holmes Tom Cruise Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark
    The Ugly Truth
    Commented on this photo:

    She looks 12.

  20. JC

    Your Snick joke was HILARIOUS!

  21. Bee Bee

    Someone feed this woman a sammich.

  22. F2

    I think you misspelled “emoticon” in the headline….

  23. Katie Holmes Tom Cruise Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark
    WhoCares?
    Commented on this photo:

    I see the shock collar is on the fritz again.

  24. ap

    Katie Holmes is ugly. Having downwards and unattractive eyes, wide mouth and dark skin. Don’t know why Tom Cruise choose her over Nicole Kidman

  25. ap

    …she is famous because of Tom Cruise. Not from her own talent and beauty

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