Katherine Heigl Used John Mayer’s Penis To Get Engaged

I stand by that headline entirely.

Posted by Photo Boy

John Mayer’s penis has done all sorts of reckless shit. It went crazy after being in Jessica Simpson and made him say the n-word. It refused to marry Taylor Swift after they did it under the bleachers. It even dumped Katy Perry. The Katy Perry with the huge boobs. But there’s one thing it never did, and that’s put its master within striking distance of Katherine Heigl when she threatened to absorb it into her bitchface if her boyfriend didn’t propose. Via Us Magazine:

“These musicians, they are competitive and jealous of each other,” Heigl teased. “[So] over the phone, because he was on tour, I was like, ‘Josh, I’ve got to be honest. I just want to know where we stand because if not, I might try to pursue something with John.'”

JOHN MAYER’S PENIS: *radio crackle* Mayday, mayday, penis to brain, penis to brain, shut us down now, do you read me?
JOHN MAYER’S BRAIN: *static* Say again. *static*
JMP: We’re surrounded by snaggle teeth. Cannot disengage. Target lock malfunction! DO SOMETHING!!
JMB: Negative. The mission is still a go. Over.
JMP: Fucking bureaucrats! pulls pins on entire grenade belt

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