Everybody Still Hates Katherine Heigl

“Do you have severe stomach pain or something?”
“This is how I smile. Just take the fucking picture.”

Katherine Heigl has been trying and failing to get back onto the A-List since she left a starring role on one of the highest-rated shows of all time and shit all over the movie that launched her subsequently dismal film career. And like every other actor who is done trying, or is just awful at their job, she ended up on network television. CBS to be exact, which is the Long John Silver’s of network television because I have no idea who is a customer of either of those things anymore. Anyway, her new show, Doubt, was supposed to be her big comeback after her last big comeback, State of Affairs, got bitchfaced right off of the screen. Except Doubt lasted all of two episodes. Yep. But before I get to the official reason for why it was yanked, let’s all take in a context clue.

Jesus. Christ. Was that two “high-powered New York attorneys” giving each other an aspirational pep talk on the fucking sidewalk? Is this what’s on network TV now? Okay, what’s the explanation for why this didn’t make it other than the obvious? Via Hollywood Reporter:

The series opened to poor reviews — THR’s Daniel Fienberg wrote, “No doubt the cast deserves better” in the “weak” legal drama — and lackluster ratings despite heavy promotion. Doubt bowed to a tepid 0.8 rating among adults 18-49, coming in last place among shows on the Big Four that night. In week two, the drama fell again, dipping to a 0.6 rating — below the series low of its time slot predecessor, Code Black (0.7 adults). Criminal Minds: Beyond Borders, on the other hand, ended its first-season run with a 1.0 rating back in May. The spinoff averaged a 2.0 rating among adults 18-49 and 10 million viewers with seven days of DVR in its first season on the network.

Okay, I get it now. Here’s what happened:

Old people watching Doubt – Ep. 1

“Ooh! A new courtroom procedural. This will surely be fresh and in no way a regurgitation of the Law & Order re-runs I watch all day while waiting to die. Wait a minute. Who’s the fish mouth girl? I don’t like her. She keeps scowling at the nice black man in the suit who doesn’t look like he’d walk across my grass with his pants hanging down. I hope they kill her in the next episode.”

Old people watching Doubt – Ep. 2

“She’s back. Switch over to The Voice. I want to see if that gay girl from Disney’s back on it. I love it when Blake Shelton gets confused by her.”

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