Kate Hudson & Lance Armstrong make like his testicles and stop being a pair

July 30th, 2008 // 57 Comments

Bad news everybody: Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong have broken up. Who saw that coming? Besides Kate Hudson and her unwavering love of new penis. It turns out the two couldn’t stop arguing and finally decided to throw in the towel, according to Page Six:

Hudson made a last-ditch effort last week, traveling to see her beau in Ohio for his Livestrong Summit, but “they both decided it wasn’t feasible,” a friend said. Another spy said the couple had a big blowout a week ago and Armstrong stormed off – “They didn’t talk for like five days.”

It must be hard to have an argument with a guy who rides his bicycle in the kitchen while eating breakfast. Sure, you can yell all you want about him taking “that thing everywhere” including the bathroom, but he’s just gonna pop a wheelie in your face then go back to his Wheaties. Some might say I’m perpetuating a horrible stereotype that all cyclists are dicks, but until I see concrete data that suggests otherwise, I’m still throwing stray cats at them from my car window: “Quit blocking the lane! Aim true, Fluffy.” REOWW!

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  1. She has no boobs and he is missing a nut – sounds like a great match.

  2. fightingfrodo

    didnt see that coming

    matt <3 lance

  3. She has no boobs and he is missing a nut – sounds like a great match.

  4. Sunflower

    This girl will date anyone apparently… maybe she needs to slow down and be single for a while??? See what it’s like to be single? Hmm.. just a thought. I’m sure we’ll see her with someone new by tomorrow’s postings. Gross. Nothing more pathetic than a female who just CAN’T be without a man in her life….

  5. Ang

    I can’t believe he had the ball to ditch her.

  6. Kevin

    Best headline ever. Bravo!

  7. Lance, seriously: COME “SHOPPING” HERE IN THE NETHERLANDS!!
    You need a EUROPEAN wife!!

  8. Sport

    She is probably already fucking the lamp post on the corner.

  9. It's Britney Bitches

    Kate’s son Ryder is the one who suffers the most every time mommy brings a new man into his life. The kid is what? 4? 5? And he’s had 4 or 5 “daddy” figures in the last couple years? I used to like Kate Hudson as an actress but I’ve lost a lot of respect for her after she turned into the town bicycle in Hollywood. Not to mention what she did to Owen Wilson. He is awesome, and she broke his heart and ruined him. Poor guy. Get yourself a vibrator Kate and keep your damn legs closed.

  10. woodhorse

    God I miss Fluffy.

  11. Uncle Eccoli

    “Nothing more pathetic than a female who just CAN’T be without a man in her life….”

    Sunflowers are ugly.

  12. Alison

    I saw that coming a million miles away…he reminds me exactly of my ex…bikes and self-righteousnous get old pretty quick. I could just see it: she wakes up to nobody in bed at 3 am. She goes out to the garage and he’s making out with his bike. Ew. He’s gross. She’s gross. They’re both gross. That’s what she gets for breaking Owen’s heart…TWICE!

  13. Fugyoself

    Gawd, is too bad they both weren’t killed together in some kind of long, excruciating accident.

  14. Damn, Kate Hudson can’t keep a relationship together to save her life. She needs a reality dating show…

    I’m totally f*%&ing kidding.

  15. Hotpants

    I bet that’s why the cop body checked the cyclist in Time Square: to defend Kate Hudson’s honor.

  16. Deacon Jones

    Amen Fish!

    I run those italain spandex-wearing fags off the fucking road any chance I get.

    What’s Lance going to start banging now to replace her, a sheet of plywood?

  17. uno

    Something tells me these two will die alone, she may have a fabulous ass but the rest of her is subpar and based on interviews and her track record she’s a bigger bitch than Rosie O’Donell. While Lance just isn’t quite all man I can put my finger, I can’t seem to grasp it or cup it with my hand, but something about Lance says ” I’m just not the full package’. He’s just lacking something and I doubt he’ll ever get himself a good woman, he’ll end up with some gold digging 20 year old who secretely hates him and Hudson will just keep rotating boyfriends until her ass gets flat and wrinkly and no one wants her. So basically they’ll end up like all the men and women in Hollywood do.

  18. Lazy

    can’t say that we couldn’t see that coming. Its Lance’s style. Hang in there for a short while on the Flats, in preparation of conquering the Mountains.

  19. combustion8

    I blame the kids, no guy wants to take on some other douches children.

  20. Geoff

    She was probably worried that she’d get cross-eyed from having only one ball on her nose. Who wants to see a cross-eyed acress in a movie? Lance’s nut that’s who.

  21. twzzlrgirl

    Lance is now on suicide watch.

  22. xxxxxx

    #21. But she has one kid and he has three, so it works both ways and then some, who wants four kids??? He needs to start searching for women in the evangelical “the only reason to live is to make children” communities. He’ll find a good nanny, I mean wife there and by good I mean batshit crazy.

  23. First time I’ve commented out here but I just have to say that is the funniest post title you’ve ever come up with.

  24. kevin

    cute couple,they appear to be happy.But I saw his personal ID on celeb men personals site*****C e l e b M i n g l e. c o m ******** last week. what is he looking for on that site? look sugarbabe?

  25. rough daddy

    her chest is disturbing,,,she should work backward thats where her best feature is situated…

  26. rough daddy

    work? i think im high

  27. Mike

    Kate Hudson is a Jewess, even though she has that blonde shiksa look. The way she acts is the way they all act, and the way they try to make everyone else act through the media ( Sex and the City for instance, which Lindsay Lohan credited for her dating philosophy ). Everyone thinks Goldie Hawn is better, but she’s in an open marriage.

    I have never understood the obsession with sleeping around. I’ve slept with three women, and by the third time I was thinking, “You know, this is getting old.” But I guess if you are a despiser of our Messiah and don’t have heaven to look forward to, there isn’t much else out there but genital stimulation.

  28. Taza

    Don’t be mean about someone’s physical difference. I’m sure he has a prosthetic testicle anyway, in fact it’s almost certain, so leave him alone. CANCER is nothing to joke about and if it hit your BALLS, you wouldn’t be on here making fun of Lance Armstrong.

  29. ktb

    He’s used to the mountains…she ain’t got none. she’s weak, he’s an ass-splitsville!
    I agree, great headline.

  30. Steven L Braun

    Nominated for the Best Headline EVER!

  31. Sunflower

    #13, oh please. Not ugly, just truthful. And I’m guessing by you commenting to me that you haven’t read ANY other comments here? Please.. my comments pale in comparison to most others. Get over yourself. It’s so obvious she can’t be without someone and seems others on this post agree.

  32. me

    LOL That headline freak’n kicks ass. U r the man fish.

  33. Verklempt

    #29 that is so true those women are real assholes. I know lots of em. Sigh

  34. Miserable Bastard

    If she really wanted to keep Lance she would have gotten prosthetic testicles implanted in her chest.

  35. Deacon Jones

    @35

    Dont even get me started on Jewish women, the fucking WORST

    @29
    Three huh? That explains a lot.

  36. NY Ted

    Are you kidding me…NO TITS & ONE NUT are calling it quits…Hmmm doesn’t surprise me since they are both SLUTS and can’t stay with anyone more then a couple of months! FUCKING LOSERS!

  37. dee

    I would be surprised if ANY man stays very long with flat chested Kate.

  38. Mike Hawk

    What is he, nut?

  39. Kathleen

    Hahahahahahahaha.

    Great headline.

  40. malicious

    great to see the real superfish back and on form!

  41. Jamie's Uterus

    Why is Lance famous? He rides a bicycle and has one ball?

    Why is Kate Hudson famous? Her mother is famous and has some degree of talent.

    Kate Hudson is an anti-American horrid beast. She should be thrown out of this country. I hate this self important no talent skanked up bitch.

  42. LMMFAO (Laughing My Mother F******G A** Off) that was possibly the funniest I’ve ever read. I literally laughed till I cried.
    I have to say I’m pretty tired of Kate Hudson bangin her way through every guy in Hwood.

  43. Hahahaha, brilliant title

  44. SDDudette

    That was the single funniest header i’ve ever seen on this site. Hilarious.

  45. Broz

    Dear Superficial Writer,

    This headline actually made me choke on my sandwich AND give me goosebumps. I mean, seriously, that is one of the FUNNIEST lines i have ever read!
    I Salute You!

  46. kate

    COOL,! A friend of mine recommended me a HOT place ***”NYwealthyMatch .c o m *** It’s a place full of hot stuff and also a place where the rich & celebrity have romance!

  47. Queefer Bukakke

    Lance wants Matthew, that’s why he keeps jumping from skank to skank. He just needs to admit he wants another man to yank.

  48. Yawn

    I keep wondering if she’s just a real bitch and that’s why she can’t keep a relationship for more than a month.

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