Kate Hudson & Lance Armstrong make like his testicles and stop being a pair

Bad news everybody: Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong have broken up. Who saw that coming? Besides Kate Hudson and her unwavering love of new penis. It turns out the two couldn’t stop arguing and finally decided to throw in the towel, according to Page Six:

Hudson made a last-ditch effort last week, traveling to see her beau in Ohio for his Livestrong Summit, but “they both decided it wasn’t feasible,” a friend said. Another spy said the couple had a big blowout a week ago and Armstrong stormed off – “They didn’t talk for like five days.”

It must be hard to have an argument with a guy who rides his bicycle in the kitchen while eating breakfast. Sure, you can yell all you want about him taking “that thing everywhere” including the bathroom, but he’s just gonna pop a wheelie in your face then go back to his Wheaties. Some might say I’m perpetuating a horrible stereotype that all cyclists are dicks, but until I see concrete data that suggests otherwise, I’m still throwing stray cats at them from my car window: “Quit blocking the lane! Aim true, Fluffy.” REOWW!