Kate Gosselin’s vagina is lonely

April 22nd, 2010 // 69 Comments

Kate Gosselin reportedly hasn’t been penetrated in almost 15 months and, even worse, it was by Jon Gosselin, according to Life & Style:

According to Stephanie Santoro — the family’s former nanny, who hooked up with Jon after his June 2009 split with Kate — Jon and Kate hadn’t gotten physical since the very beginning of 2009. And she knows because Jon himself told her. “The last time Jon and Kate were intimate was January 2009,” Stephanie tells Life & Style.

With that information alone, you’d just assume Kate would let the team of nannies who really raise her kids find her dead in the garage with the car running, but instead she has plans to climb the celebrity penis ladder. Starting with The Hoff. Via Popeater:

“Kate is serious about going Hollywood and thinks dating a celebrity is a great idea,” Kate’s pal tells me. “When Kate sees how Tom Cruise changed Katie Holmes life, it became clear that she needed to do the same. Obviously, she knows she’s not yet ready to date a George Clooney, but she thinks she would be the perfect partner for a Jeff Goldblum or someone like David Hasselhoff.”

You know how I know Kate Gosselin is completely batshit? She cites Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes as a successful relationship. Has she seen Katie Holmes in a movie lately? It’s like spotting Haley’s Comet if Haley’s Comet was steered by Tom Cruise in a old-time pilot’s hat and goggles. “Don’t show human emotions! Only hold Suri in your right arm! Carry me toward that chap over there! I shall want to examine him.”

superficial

  1. Taz

    she sucks

  2. jbolbgfr

    firsttttttttt

  3. jbolbgfr

    firstt

  4. jbolbgfr

    firstttttttttttttt

  5. jbolbgfr

    firstttttttttttttt

  6. jbolbgfr

    firstttttttttttttt

  7. jbolbgfr

    firstttttttttttttt

  8. havoc

    If he believes that this self-absorbed bitch has gone that long without dick, he’s nuts.

    .

  9. Mcfeely Smackup

    As little as I like discussing these two, I’m continually confused as to why Jon gets such a heaping helping of shit dumped on him. During the show’s run, we had to watch Kate verbally abuse him endlessly, and act like a raging bitch to everyone around, including the kids. Then they break up, and suddenly Jon is a bad guy for daring to date…women?

    Kate has been whoring herself out for every dime she can scrape together, and STILL acting like a raging bitch to everyone around her.

  10. Disco Dave

    Must. Commence. Airstrike. On. Her. Location.

  11. xylus

    I don’t think she or Octomom will ever land another man again so, clearly, they need to hook up and satisfy each other….

  12. Sport

    Die lady. Just fucking die.

  13. Lenny

    #11xylus, I must disagree with you. Relationship, no one night stand yes.

  14. Lacy

    She has cankles.

  15. asdfas

    The woman in the pictures must be a stunt double or decoy. I would consider putting my penis inside that woman – which means it can’t actually be the real Kate.

  16. BitemeBitche$

    #2 Your a fuckin idiot, who cares?? Tell her to stick her head up it as it will probobly fit.

  17. Dutch

    lol @ 15

    It’s getting bad, as I too am starting to find her very attractive where 6 months ago her wolverine bangs scared my manhood

  18. anon

    She thinks she’ll ever be in George Clooneys league?
    She’ll never be in his eye line.
    Only way she’ll get with the Hoff is if its saturday night. The pubs are closing, he’s shitfaced and has reached that point when its time to pull what ever dregs are left.

    She’s got a deluded high opinion of herself.

  19. Randal

    Randal is getting depressed with the lack of real celebrities being posted about @ The FISH that Randal stays away.

    Randal

  20. crazypants

    If Jon’s really thinks that Kate – after the surgery and the international travel and the working out and the $10,000 haircuts and magazine covers and DWTS and spending about 70% of her time away from the kids hasn’t been plowed by some media/pr flunky, bodyguard or what have you – he’s an idiot.

    She’s not bad looking and she’s sort of a celebrity – so there are tons of guys out there who would gladly and eagerly do her, just so that they could tell their friends.

  21. chupa

    what’s next for this cunty princess? porn. maybe soft porn at first, but it’s coming.

  22. Kirk

    She’ll be with the “MILFHunter” soon. that’s how these ugly chicks get in to porn. Why does this pig have an entourage?

  23. C’mon, we all know this chick’s been giving head and handjobs to the poolboy, the cameraman, the rigger, gaffer and best boy, the makeup artists (even the gay ones — whoops, that’s redundant), the show runner….

    Not to mention the bag-boy at Safeway, the bellhop at the local hotel, the doorman at her penthouse, Pedro who mows her lawn (and yes, I mean that both ways), etc…

    Do you actually think that a chick who is this self absorbed wouldn’t need constant sexual activity to re-affirm her self-worth? “See, men really DO like me.” Yeah bitch, now shut up and roll onto your stomach.

  24. Kirk

    1 thrust–DONE…..”now make me a sandwich”.

  25. Kirk

    1 thrust—DONE……….”now make me a sandwich”

  26. drew

    she looks so hot here, look at those nipples. mmmmmmmm

  27. WTF Report

    If that cunt takes a single step in Jeff Goldblum’s direction, she’s gonna get cut.

  28. Tiger Woodz

    I would love to put my head between those beautiful legs and eat fried chicken all day ..

  29. stu

    Her Cankles are getting thicker but not a thick as her head

  30. There will be 'a nightmare on Rough street'

    Our father who art in heaven; I never ask for anything. But please give Quentin Tarantino the assistance he needs to draft a hit movie for Jeff Goldblum and the Hoff, and foil her plans. An agitated loin of Kate Gosselin is all we need now. Hallowed Be Thy Name….

  31. Phil

    Hell I’d stick it in her…I think she’s kinda hot!

  32. SOS

    She’s looking a LOT more her age. Before she was looking like she was in her 40′s but she’s only in her early 30′s!

  33. pooter

    why the eff is she posing for some candid shots at the same goddamn spot. And what the fuck is that… a wedding dress and a bathrobe. Can someone please punch her in the FUPA for me.

    no I meant kick her in the FUPA

  34. jake_ryan

    I’d put those cankles behind her head and bang her like a drum.

  35. KIKI

    If dancing is any indication of how a person performs in bed than she is a dead lay.

  36. Jenni

    BITCH YOU STAY AWAY FROM JEFF GOLDBLUM.

  37. dee

    too bad she didnt fall and break her neck during that stupid dance show…i cannot stand her.

  38. dee

    she doesnt deserve to have a vagina

  39. asdf

    she looks like a whore

    but i’d fuck the shit out of her

  40. bksat

    Last I heard Jeff Goldblum was dating a hot teenager.
    LOL @ David Hassellhoff–a raging alcoholic who has never been taken seriously to begin with. And isn’t he gay?
    Absolultely NO ONE wants a middle aged cunt hag with eight ugly kids and a serious case of narcissism.

  41. Elton John

    I’d fuck her only in the ass though.

  42. Kate “Basic Instinct” in life is fame and glory. Always has been. Just because women “instinct” does not make them real mom. You have to follow through with care. Can not see how they do it when she was at home at all. Funny that you mention sympathy or understanding.

  43. nona

    She is looking great now.

  44. The Hoff

    Don’t you DARE accuse The Hoff of being gay!

    I recently saw this opportunist on Leno, and I have to say, the full Hollywood treatment (hair, makeup, tan) made her look…dare I say it…beautiful. Then again, what is beauty when it’s fake like that, and especially when behind it lives a soul sucking witch like her. She tried her very best to be really humble and likeable…and you could see it a mile away it is all a facade.

  45. LPB

    What’s amazing is how many women, at all sorts of levels, have this same plan.

    With the same “micro-odds” of success.

  46. captain america

    what are you waiting for?
    ………..AMERICAN LOSERS ENOUGH!!

    call them.

  47. cc

    If this is really her line of thinking (using the term thinking very loosely) then she really needs a slap in the face. Look, go to some resort, do the cougar thing and fuck some young guy. Then go back to at least trying to be a parent.

    She strikes me as being a HUGE pain in the ass.

  48. Nero

    Is her vagina lonely?! I would give her vagina an encouraging talk if i could see it!

  49. Rhialto

    So,i guess she did finally spend all of her nine lives on DWTS?!

  50. Gando

    I could make the association between David Hasselhoff and KITT(s).He’s older now, he’d only have to make a few little sacrifices.

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