Kate Gosselin’s vagina is lonely

Kate Gosselin reportedly hasn’t been penetrated in almost 15 months and, even worse, it was by Jon Gosselin, according to Life & Style:

According to Stephanie Santoro — the family’s former nanny, who hooked up with Jon after his June 2009 split with Kate — Jon and Kate hadn’t gotten physical since the very beginning of 2009. And she knows because Jon himself told her. “The last time Jon and Kate were intimate was January 2009,” Stephanie tells Life & Style.

With that information alone, you’d just assume Kate would let the team of nannies who really raise her kids find her dead in the garage with the car running, but instead she has plans to climb the celebrity penis ladder. Starting with The Hoff. Via Popeater:

“Kate is serious about going Hollywood and thinks dating a celebrity is a great idea,” Kate’s pal tells me. “When Kate sees how Tom Cruise changed Katie Holmes life, it became clear that she needed to do the same. Obviously, she knows she’s not yet ready to date a George Clooney, but she thinks she would be the perfect partner for a Jeff Goldblum or someone like David Hasselhoff.”

You know how I know Kate Gosselin is completely batshit? She cites Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes as a successful relationship. Has she seen Katie Holmes in a movie lately? It’s like spotting Haley’s Comet if Haley’s Comet was steered by Tom Cruise in a old-time pilot’s hat and goggles. “Don’t show human emotions! Only hold Suri in your right arm! Carry me toward that chap over there! I shall want to examine him.”