Justin Verlander: ‘Yeah Yeah, Kate Upton’s Privacy Was Violated, PENNANT, BABY!’

[Ed. Note: So this post would’ve been up around 3 PM yesterday, but then every single server across the company basically looked at the Ark of Covenant, and here we are over 24 hours later recovering from one hell of a blackout. So long story short, I’m about to hit Publish, and honestly, I’m still not sure snakes won’t fly out of the screen and kill me. I love each of you like a son/daughter/hermaphroditic porpoise. – SW]

Apparently Justin Verlander plays for the Detroit Tigers (Why would I need to know that information until I saw his penis go into Kate Upton?) who are in the middle of a pennant race, so the last thing he wants to talk about is, what should to be him, the horribly invasive breach of his girlfriend’s privacy because he’s fucking awesome at baseball and we should be talking about that instead. USA Today reports:

I’m not going to comment on my personal life,” Verlander said in the Tigers’ clubhouse before tonight’s game against the Cleveland Indians. “I never have, and I never plan on it. I keep my personal life personal.
“The focus for me is on the Detroit Tigers. I don’t want to take any focus away from this team and what we’re trying to accomplish. We’re in the middle of a pennant race. We’re trying to win a pennant. And all of my focus currently is on doing whatever I can to help our team win our division.”

Of course, it might’ve been nice of him to defend Kate’s honor by saying something like, “Curse you, villains!” but why even bother? She’s just going to fuck him in front of an iPhone again. He’s practically a god now.

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