Kate Upton Makes Country Music Videos Now

Because my main means of conveyance lacks both rubber testicles and a “Don’t Tread On Me” poop-snake, I don’t listen to country music. Not to mention it’ll be the soundtrack for the day America disintegrates in a nuclear fried turkey accident – Sponsored by Mountain Dew™ – because reading instructions is for pussies. So imagine my disappoint to find a fully-clothed, non-cleavaged Kate Upton starring in Lady Antebellum’s new video for “Bartender” along with Buster Bluth in a non-Motherboy context. The whole thing makes me want to shoot up a Walmart. (Not soon enough? You’re right. I suck.)