Kate Upton Is Religious, Oh, Goddammit

August 8th, 2013 // 47 Comments

Before I get into this post, I’m going to tell you about a dream I once had: I’m walking through the forest, although I’m not entirely myself. I want to say I’m a wolf, but for the sake of sounding even more awesome, let’s say it was a wolverine. Anyway, a three-eyed raven lands on a nearby branch – *shreds cease and desist letter from George R.R. Martin* – and it looks at me and says, “There will come a day when you will have to choose between your deep love of titties and your as equally as deep hate for religion. For the night is dark and when you touch yourself.” Except almost in response, my penis rose up on fiery wings and devoured the crow then turned the earth into ash before I awoke.

Three days later, North West was born. True story.

Kate Upton is the cover interview for the September issue of ELLE and opens up about throwing her career down the toilet by starting to get really, really sanctimonious:

On the tiny tattoo of a cross on the inside of her finger: “I was at a photo shoot and I was wearing a cross necklace that my mom bought me, and somebody made a joke like, ‘Why are you wearing a cross? Like you would be religious.’ And then they took [my necklace] away. I was really affected by that. The whole thing made me realize that I do want [a cross] with me, at all times.”

You know what? I’m actually going to let Kate Upton slide on this one because she has giant breasts (I suddenly get that penis dragon part of my dream.) and also people forget that, until a few weeks ago, she was only 20 and God knows I believed all kinds of stupid shit when I was 20 and would’ve kept believing it if I wasn’t in college. Fortunately, that’s the only ridiculous thing Kate Upton said in her interview except, no, wait, it wasn’t. I’m really trying to hang on here, awesome boobs, I’m trying:

On the fallout from her first Sports Illustrated cover: “After my first Sports Illustrated cover, I felt terrible about myself for a solid month. Every single guy I met was either married or about to be married, and I felt like I was their bachelor present or something. I’m not a toy, I’m a human. I’m not here to be used. I am a grown woman, and you need to figure your shit out.”
On people treating her like a “dumb blonde:” “People deal with models like they are children. They think they can pull one over on you. It’s actually funny. I’m always like, I’m about to pull something on you, and you’re so focused on thinking I’m dumb you’re not even going to know.”

“After my Sports Illustrated cover people treated me like a piece of meat and it was awful, so of course I did it again a year later” – *shoves fingers in ears* – Giant boobs giant boobs giant boobs giant boobs giant boobs I can’t hear you giant boobs giant boobs giant boobs AH LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!

Photos: Terry Richardson


  1. Oh, the stupidity of young people. Fish is right.At 20 I would’ve probably said some stupid shit like that too. Anyway, who cares what she has to say anyway?

    You don’t want people to treat you like a piece of meat, yet you chose to become a part of the the most superficial profession on the planet. Good job on picking a career where you people can get to know you for your intellect.

    • …the (groan-inducing, self-absorbed) lament of every single stripper, pornstar, and wannabe-model i’ve ever known …”why are’nt guys interested in my brain???”, “why does’nt anyone see me for my talent as a web designer???”, they would often whine, as they applied pasties to their nipples before hitting the pole…

  2. I bet she isn’t religious at all. She’s just trying to play up to the All American Girl image. Funny, because 70 years ago most Americans didn’t trust or like Catholics/Christians.

    • You’re partially right…folks had a lot of misgivings about Catholics (although it was largely superficial), but Protestants made up about 70% of the country and were quite open about it. So, most people trusted Christians, but many looked askance at the Catholics.

      • Wes

        You are exactly right. MOST of America was Christ followers then, and we were on top of the world then, not so much so now. But Kate should be able to wear what makes HER comfortable, and by now has the leverage to tell the boss to flip sand, or she can go down the road to the new magazine.

    • …i grew up in the church …i had a lot of friends in the church scene …and any guy who’s had this same background knows this to be common knowledge: “religious” chicks are some of the most promiscuous ho’s you will ever meet.
      -Barbells out!

  3. You’re calling her sanctimonious? HAHAHAHAHAHA
    Self-awareness, you don’t have it.

  4. JC

    If you don’t want to be paid only because of how you look, why would you become a model? Also, people are paying you to wear clothes they made and/or are selling, and that doesn’t include your crucifix, your crocs, your sweats, or anything else you like to wear around the house. If you’re really particular about what you wear, maybe don’t take a job where you get paid (a lot) to play dress up in someone else’s clothes. It’s like becoming a commercial airline pilot but then saying you’ll only fly in your own Cessna.

  5. Kodos

    I’m not looking between her FINGERS…

    .. thus, I see no problems.

    Yea, verily, it came to pass..

  6. JC

    I’m also confused by this:

    ““After my first Sports Illustrated cover, I felt terrible about myself for a solid month. Every single guy I met was either married or about to be married, and I felt like I was their bachelor present or something.”

    1. It seems very statistically unlikely that every man she met for a one-month period was married, but…
    2. Could you hire her as an escort or something after that cover came out? She makes it sound like she was being passed around.
    3. If the answer to #2 is “yes,” WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME ABOUT THE SIGN-UP SHEET FOR RENT-A-KATE?!?

    • She did pretty much sound like she was being passed around either for free or as an escort. She might want to consider hiring a PR person, speechwriter, something.

      • they get invited to parties. so the people that were allowed to go near her were either married or about to be.

      • My brother has a friend who is a “model” in LA and dates a D-List actor. She is always posting photos of her photo shoots, but her shit is never anywhere to be seen. No magazines, websites, nothing. However she randomly will post photos of her and her girlfriends on some huge yacht or partying at some guy’s mansion in Beverly Hills usually in bikinis etc etc, which seems pretty strange considering she has a boyfriend, but he is not there at these parties. Call me naive but I don’t think guys in $16 million houses are calling girls they don’t know up to just hang out in bikinis at their house with no strings attached.

        I am pretty convinced she is some sort of escort or call girl or something. Shit is just weird and fishy.

      • that is weird. not sure if you will be seeing this so late. Escorts usually don’t post photos of themselves like that. especially with the clients or their property. bad for business. they will post photos of themselves yes. and contact info. this model might be a wanna be model. there are tons of them out there. and if all of them were high priced escorts 99.9% of them would only get used once . now for models and actresses which did escort. usually those are the ones which did nudity with visible nipples,ass crack or visible vagina area. something which Upton did not do yet. the closest was nudes where everything was covered up.

        but if I was a rich horny millionaire I would definitely want to meet up with Kate and send an invite to her. whether I would score or not. having the hottest or most celebrated of women near you does give envy even if you are banging these girls or not.

        now as having a boyfriend is concerned. that means she just hooked with the nearest guy who was available . then afterwards starts to shop around. when they find someone they cheat. also the current boyfriend is there for guys hitting on her that she does not want to go out with. as she can tell them she is seeing someone. this is basically SOP of a lot of hot chicks.

      • or shutting the hell up. she could consider that as an option as well.

  7. She has the tits of a goddess. I don’t care if she eats the skin of children and harvests their organs for genetic research. She has perfect, goddess-like tits. That’s all I need to know.

  8. Kate Upton Nipples Bikini Outtakes Terry Richardson Shoot
    Commented on this photo:

    yum shes got the chocolate chip nips

  9. tornado

    “God knows I believed all kinds of stupid shit when I was 20 and would’ve kept believing it if I wasn’t in college.”

    In other words you were a mental slave to your professors…and you parrot everything they say….college is a scam…a true pyramid scheme. Now that is stupid shit to believe in…

    • Be glad you avoided that scam and enjoy the lowered earning potential that accompanies it.

    • Fun facts, tornado:

      I went to a state college in western Pennsylvania predominantly attended by conservative, low-to-middle class students within a 30 mile radius where I had two journalism professors who I’d consider influential on the “writer” am I today. One was a Republican and the other was a devout Catholic. So tell me, do you see me “parroting” any “talking points” from those ideologies? Also, to shoot holes in that logic, I’ve been out of college for over ten years, so am I on a mailing list where these commie pinko professors you’ve imagined email up-to-date talking points or do they call each student personally to keep them on message? Explain to me how this works in this Magical Liberal Echo Chamber you just assume exists because you live in a Breitbart/Fox News/AM radio one.

      • …i’m chuckling because it always surprises me what gets you to respond, and whenever you do, i have this image in my head of you walking out of your room, casually delivering a wicked cock-punch, then turning around and going back into your room and closing the door…

  10. Cock Dr

    The answer is simple. A well endowed atheist has to fuck the piety right out of her.
    Certainly someone will volunteer.

  11. Brian

    The hot ones are almost always religous, ESPECIALLY when they have big boobs. That’s the biggest bummer about being an athiest or an agnostic; it tends to be something of a sausage fest, and most of the girls who are also atheists have the kind of faces that would make just about anyone believe there is no God.

    • MD2020

      Well, of course they are. Awesome breasts are a gift from a higher power, so why wouldn’t the ones who have them be religious?

    • There’s plenty of awesome atheist women, it’s just most of them aren’t famous.

    • Brooke

      I’m agnostic, a DD cup with a small waist, and was pretty popular with guys before getting married. I have a pretty shitty personality, though. All I do is play video games and read comics all day while listening to Motley Crue. If only I had spiritual guidance in my life…

      • You sound great to me, Brooke.

      • Brian

        That’s why I like to use mad qualifiers when I make statements like that. Hell, I personally know a girl who basically sounds like you (other than the big boobs, but I’m more of a leg guy anyway). I’m kind of infatuated with her, but she lives halfway across the country, so I have to spend the time I’m not going to church violently masturbating instead.

        But I probably didn’t need to mention that last bit.

    • Aggie

      Yes, it’s because all hot women are religious that’s causing you to strike out, not your blatant chauvinism, couldn’t possibly be that….

  12. I am sure God and Jesus would be pleased to know that she gives hand jobs using the cross.

  13. Leviticus 19:28 – You shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor tattoo any marks upon you: I am the LORD.

    So, if I’m understanding her properly, she’s saying she wants to be constantly reminded of her faith by violating the express word of her god…one that he punctuated with “I am the Lord”. Good plan.

    • Randal(l)

      In her defense her massive Titties cut off the blood flow to her brain every time she lays down….which would also explain the decision to be a model but not want to be objectified.

      If it makes her feel better I’ll try not to aim at her cross tattoo when I blast my skeet all over her pictures.


  14. English Teacher Anni

    Freaking love the beginning of this post, Wolverine. Laughed loud enough to get glares from others.

  15. Stupid twat. I love hoe they think having a cross is some kind of good luck charm. Just keep a rabbit’s foo\t in your purse!

  16. I’m trying to process what would be the potential benefits of being a god-fearing professional fuck-toy and … i got nothing.

  17. Kate Upton Nipples Bikini Outtakes Terry Richardson Shoot
    Commented on this photo:

    I’m totally jacking off to this!

  18. Slappy Magoo

    When you don’t look like Kate Upton, you realize there is no God.
    When you look like Kate Upton, you figure there must be a God, and He likes you best.

  19. heroinstripper

    well, she can be holy. nothing wrong with that. I wonder if god wants to weigh in on all of the jism his creation has cause to be spilled without a moment of conception being involved? Unless of course, someone’s cum rag actually births a human-rag chimera baby??

  20. BeastmanAIDS

    Models are paid to be seen – not heard.

  21. heroinstripper

    I’d love to ask Kate: “Is masturbating a sin?” what a loaded question . . . no pun intended!

  22. pretty much this is a messed up girl. and what happens to a lot of them is they go into denial that they are one or THEE person most guys masturbated to. so when this happens they want to hurl and just quit. but the money and fame is too strong and they just hang in there. until the fame goes away and another girl gets the load placed on them and/or until they find someone to shack up with. but mostly with the former.

    much like in the 80′s it was Paula Zahn and Katie Couric. back then they really did a survey. you would figure it would have been Madonna,Blondie,lita Ford, some porn star, SI swimsuit girl or actress. but no.

  23. Robb7

    Thank you, Kate. After years of fake-ass bolt-ons, you offer us the real deal — all creamy, warm and soft. We are all eternally grateful.

  24. Kate Upton Nipples Bikini Outtakes Terry Richardson Shoot
    Commented on this photo:

    yeah I noticed that and couldn;t believe it areola?!

  25. Kate Upton Nipples Bikini Outtakes Terry Richardson Shoot
    Donald Brisson
    Commented on this photo:

    Kate, I just want to say that you are the most beautiful lady i have ever seen. Your admirer Donald

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