Kate Upton Is Religious, Oh, Goddammit

Before I get into this post, I’m going to tell you about a dream I once had: I’m walking through the forest, although I’m not entirely myself. I want to say I’m a wolf, but for the sake of sounding even more awesome, let’s say it was a wolverine. Anyway, a three-eyed raven lands on a nearby branch – *shreds cease and desist letter from George R.R. Martin* – and it looks at me and says, “There will come a day when you will have to choose between your deep love of titties and your as equally as deep hate for religion. For the night is dark and when you touch yourself.” Except almost in response, my penis rose up on fiery wings and devoured the crow then turned the earth into ash before I awoke.

Three days later, North West was born. True story.

Kate Upton is the cover interview for the September issue of ELLE and opens up about throwing her career down the toilet by starting to get really, really sanctimonious:

On the tiny tattoo of a cross on the inside of her finger: “I was at a photo shoot and I was wearing a cross necklace that my mom bought me, and somebody made a joke like, ‘Why are you wearing a cross? Like you would be religious.’ And then they took [my necklace] away. I was really affected by that. The whole thing made me realize that I do want [a cross] with me, at all times.”

You know what? I’m actually going to let Kate Upton slide on this one because she has giant breasts (I suddenly get that penis dragon part of my dream.) and also people forget that, until a few weeks ago, she was only 20 and God knows I believed all kinds of stupid shit when I was 20 and would’ve kept believing it if I wasn’t in college. Fortunately, that’s the only ridiculous thing Kate Upton said in her interview except, no, wait, it wasn’t. I’m really trying to hang on here, awesome boobs, I’m trying:

On the fallout from her first Sports Illustrated cover: “After my first Sports Illustrated cover, I felt terrible about myself for a solid month. Every single guy I met was either married or about to be married, and I felt like I was their bachelor present or something. I’m not a toy, I’m a human. I’m not here to be used. I am a grown woman, and you need to figure your shit out.”
On people treating her like a “dumb blonde:” “People deal with models like they are children. They think they can pull one over on you. It’s actually funny. I’m always like, I’m about to pull something on you, and you’re so focused on thinking I’m dumb you’re not even going to know.”

“After my Sports Illustrated cover people treated me like a piece of meat and it was awful, so of course I did it again a year later” – *shoves fingers in ears* – Giant boobs giant boobs giant boobs giant boobs giant boobs I can’t hear you giant boobs giant boobs giant boobs AH LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!

Photos: Terry Richardson