Kate Upton Dancing in a String Bikini (a.k.a. The Crap I Missed – Tuesday 5.1.12)

May 1st, 2012 // 94 Comments
Kate Upton's String Bikini Dance That Proves God Exists

Posted by Photo Boy

While I’m under no delusion that any of the words I’m typing here will ever be read, I felt that it was important to acknowledge the dark magic that Terry Richardson wields. I’m not sure there’s another man on Earth with the ability to say “Nice tiny flimsy bikini. Why don’t you gyrate around for a while so I can film this and post it on the internet.” or “Here, do all of this coke and it will make you look like you haven’t slept in a bus station bathroom for a week.” Anyway, I included some stills he took of Kate Upton just standing around in a bikini, as well as made my own completely uncalled for amount of screen shots of basically 20 seconds of dancing starting here. Enjoy.


  1. cc

    Okay, this time I really hurt something.

  2. neen

    typical white girl dancing

  3. Deacon Jones

    Not that I’m complaining, but I’m surprised she’d even associate herself with someone that does coke orgies/photo shoots with Lindsay Lohan.

    Note the lack of ass shots. From the tits down, nothing special, but she’s fucking gorgeous as far as Centaurs go.

  4. USDA Prime McBeef

    She’s hot as fuck, but blah blah blah, hot chicks are a dime a dozen. It’s her stunning command of the algebraic geometry and probability theory that turns me on.

  5. LordViperScorpion

    The bikini is terrible. She’s a pretty girl but the person in charge of wardrobe should be shot. It’s too small and isn’t flattering.

  6. CCFR

    She looks like a blonde London Keyes.

  7. thatdude

    Computer monitors aren’t like tv’s or microwaves, right? I mean I won’t go blind from sitting too close or staring too long, right?

    • Sliver

      Computers give off radiation, but most of the men here would risk cancer to get closer to her milk pillows.

  8. kimmykimkim

    Soooo, no nipple? Fuck this! I got real shit going on! But really? No nipple?

    • DeucePickle

      You’re a woman after my own boner.
      (that’s Shakespeare, i believe)

      • kimmykimkim

        Yeah, I think it’s like Macbeth or The Raven or some shit. (shut it, people!) But sometimes I think even us girls need a little strange nipple every now and then. Maybe we like to compare. Maybe we like tits. But it’s mostly the tits. And nipples. Nipples are nice.

      • Crissy

        Oh Kimmie I certainly enjoy tits! :P

    • Lunch

      One day I’ll believe you are female, Kim. One day.

  9. Donald Duck

    Meh. Face is decent in a white trashy kinda way. Body is alright but a bit odd in places… boobs aren’t even that big for all the hype she gets.

  10. Elliott

    She can’t dance and has an awkwardly shaped torso, but she sure is stacked. I appreciate that.

  11. kimmykimkim

    Im not feeling her face really. She looks a little “bumpkin”, ya know? But damn those titties! Makes me want implants. Not that she has them or anything. Don’t know don’t care but I want to play with those!

  12. FDrBn

    WTF was that? She looked like she was having an epileptic seizure standing up.

  13. Hot as FUCK. Who cares if her dancing skills are questionable. Her hip gyration skills are perfect.

  14. Mike

    This girl is too cute. Though I’m told she’s dumb as a box of rocks, so that’s a ****ing buzzkill.

  15. jt

    i used to think perfect was boring. i take it back.

  16. Bonky

    Six-pack abs ? NOPE !
    Firm perky breasts ? NOPE !
    Tiny rock hard ass ? NOPE !


    I was worried that real women were outlawed or something, nice to see a girl like this getting attention and not some of the stick figures we’ve been seeing lately.

  17. El Jefe

    She is a hot blonde white girl supermodel that is also kind of ghetto. I can’t lie, that is kind of hot.

  18. JPC

    Watched it once, read the comments, then tried to watch it a second time…..taken down for having “nudity or sexual content.”

    Seriously, Youtube? You’re cool with hundreds of 13 year old girls doing slutty dances for the pedos of the world, but Kate Upton in a bikini is too much?

  19. Terry

    That hoe will be outdated in a few shorts years. She ain’t got a shred of fucking talent. Blond hair, big tits…ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!
    Dime a dozen white hoochie.

  20. Randomdude

    I don’t get the hype, sorry. Her midsection is fkn weird and her face is really not that great.

  21. anonym

    she needs wide hips to match those tits.

    those hips are too straight.
    or her waist aint thin enough.

    I think she’s way overrated, but I’d like to eat dinner off those tits.

  22. AAPL made me rich!

    I could get this bitch. With all my AAPL money.

  23. kirby

    you know how confident you have to be to dance like shit and not be horribly embarrased?! I mean, it helps that I came a little while I watched, but still . . . just saying.

  24. fungirl

    I like her, she seems fun. Kind of reminds me of a thin ana nicole smith.

  25. Courtney

    Her stomach is weird.

  26. ausw

    Mannnn…u guys can’t appreciate anything. Here they bring you this blond perfection and all you can do is whine about her stomach LOL. If you’re not married or have a girlfriend who is hotter than this girl. You have no right to be whining.

    • lol

      We have no right to whine about this girl? If you’re going to beat out thousands of gorgeous models to be on the cover of Sports Illustrated, you better be pretty close to fucking perfect. Just because your girlfriend/wife isn’t one of them doesn’t mean there aren’t a lot of stunning girls out there.

      Just saying…

    • Courtney

      Even the people at Victorias Secret said it. Just admit it, IT’S WEIRD, BOXY AND MANLY

      • uhooo

        Victoria secrets is just jealous she is getting more attention than any of their angels. This girl is gorgeous,,, nuff said.

      • Me

        Uhh No, women are suppose to have figure similar to an hourglass

        Not straight up and down like a dude. Stomach looks like a dudes

  27. gggggg

    sorry, bitches, but the men have spoken, and the men say, Kate Upton is fucking hot. go rub your clit to some fassbender and get off kate’s jock.

    • ausw

      I’ve seen more girls giving her props. The men here seem to be complaining about her stomach.

    • PlainOle

      Speak for yourself, I think it’s only fat bitches who like her.

      I’m a man and don’t find her all that special.

      • SpiralShadow

        U R not a MAN

        its easy to say “I am a man” online haha.
        For all we know u could be a female monkey.
        Its the internet, no one really knows who is behind that screen.

        All I know is no straight man would kick her out of bed. She is one of the hottest chicks right now.

  28. loveblonds

    Kate Upton VS Amber Heard for the hottest blond title

  29. gggggg

    there isn’t anything to complain about. just behold what is before you. another blonde goddess of sex. they don’t last very long. but they sure are nice to look at.

  30. SomeJohn

    I keep thinking who she reminds me of and its Mandy Moore in her first music video CANDY LOL

    same weird face expressions


  31. aaaa

    He makes everyone look like lindsay lohan

  32. Fat 'n' Jealous

    STILL not getting it with this chick. Her face is common and prole-y, her torso is shapeless, and her dancing sucks – no sensuality.

    Nice tits and dye job though.

  33. DeucePickle

    A lot of high standards here in comments section.

    • name

      I agree. It sure is easy to criticize someone from behind a computer, and of course if I wanted to I could criticize her too because everyone has their flaws, but in reality not many girls walking around are as pretty this one. These comments are disgusting, as usual. I guess its time I give this site a break

    • Capitalist Pancake

      It is reading a bit like this site is only frequented by millionaires with these kinds of options, not guys in office cublicles or their mother’s basements, isn’t it?

  34. ADT

    I still don’t get it with her. From her tits up she’s fine, but from her tits down she’s a trainwreck. Not model worthy. There are much more attractive people that could slip into that Baby Gap bikini

  35. TheSupFan

    she is a mediocre face paired with decent tits and that’s about all. she screams trailer trash and for those guys who fap to her, she’s 19…so just a couple years ago she was probably the bitch cheerleader in high school who had some good luck and wound up a “model” instead of one of hugh’s possessions and a star of girl’s next door.

  36. TheSupFan

    she is a mediocre face paired with decent tits and that’s about all. she screams trailer trash and for those guys who fap to her, she’s 19…so just a couple years ago she was probably the bitch cheerleader in high school who had some good luck and wound up a “model” instead of one of hugh’s possessions and a star of girl’s next door.

  37. I think she’s very cute and seems like she’d be fun to hang out with. Nice hooters. Waist to hip ratio lacking a bit, but what the hell — I could put up with her.

  38. Ashley

    I would build a time machine out of old rc cola cans and go back in time and fight the germans in ww1 single handedly with only a slingshot made of deer antler and a few riverstones just to talk to her 5th period history teacher about her test scores.

  39. skunk

    id splooj on her tits

  40. Crispy Anus

    Weird torso. Horrible legs. Nice tits. Average face.

    I’d still lay pipe in her dirt patch, though.

  41. archie

    dont know why but i put this in the porn folder…

  42. The Royal Penis

    I don’t know whether I should jerk off or laugh.

  43. Yuuukeee

    I like Kate Upton, sure she’s pretty but she’s also funny, outgoing and doesn’t take herself too serious.
    Usually models are all serious, boring and want to be intimidating and seen like a some kind of goddess figure.
    This is one is fun and free spirited. My kind of girl.

  44. 4urinfo

    She reminds me so much of Anna Nicole Smith.

  45. Kate

    She’s a pretty girl but we get it Kate, you have nice boobs .. now go buy yourself a bra!

  46. This movie should win an Oscar. Sure is better than that dumb British guy stuttering for 3 hours.

  47. Diana

    Really don’t get the hype. Her tits are miles apart and kinda floppy, her torso is off, meh.

    She can’t dance that well either. And no I’m not a jealous fat girl, when a girl is drop dead gorgeous I’ll be the first to say it but this girl is just not that amazing looking. I dun get it.

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