Kate Middleton’s (Probably) Having A Girl

March 6th, 2013 // 25 Comments
Mmm, Bloody Awkward
Kate Middleton Bikini
Nurse Who Fell For Radio Prank Commits Suicide Read More »

According to the British tabloids, Kate Middleton almost said a word that starts with “D,” and since the British are forbidden from using the term “douchecanoe” on non-labor holidays, a consensus has been reached that the royal uterus has been sullied with a female heir. And so, per custom, after the child has been sloughed into existence, the traitorous womb shall be displayed upon a pike in front of a Buckingham Palace as a warning to others daring to commit a similar offense until such time as The One Ring has been returned to her majesty Queen Elizabeth II who, quote, “Needses it… wantses it…” Via People:

Moments after Kate, 31, received the gift of a teddy bear from a member of the crowd outside the town’s fishing museum, Sandra Cook, 67, says she heard the mum-to-be utter the words, “Thank you, I will take that for my d-…”
Cook adds, “I said to her: ‘You were going to say daughter, weren’t you?’”
To which a radiant-looking Kate replied that the couple don’t know the sex, and, “We’re not telling.”

Of course, all this could be an elaborate ruse and the royal couple are expecting a boy but wish to avoid Prince Charles breaching the delivery room with cries of, “USURPER!” while pelting the child’s soft spot with hardened scones and tea biscuits. His service with the Royal Navy no doubt preparing him for such an assault.

Photos: Splash News


  1. Kate Middleton Baby Bump Pregnant
    Commented on this photo:

    Somewhere, in an Outback Steakhouse, Jessica Simpson is muttering, “That French lady is lyin’ ’bout bein’ pegnant. I cain still see that car behind her.”

  2. Does anyone in the world care what kind of baby she squeezes out? Just to be clear, by “in the world” I mean “In the US”.

  3. A daughter? What a disappointment this must be for the British people. Who ever heard of a woman leading a fleet of wooden galleons across the seas to reclaim a former colony?

  4. Juch

    Eh, don’t care. Call me back when the headline is “Kate Middleton’s (Probably) Having Girl On Girl”.

    • I’d buy that for a doubloon.

      • A doubloon? Is that what you call your $1 coin, or your $2 coin?

      • Loonie = $1 (On account of the loon picture on it)
        Twoonie = $2 (No fucking idea… I call it a deuce)

        And we all know that Queen Elizabeth is staging her army of undead soccer hooligans in the Canadian North, ready to sweep down and reclaim ‘Murrica. Kinda like in Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter except colder.

      • Undead hooligans in the North, ready to sweep down… you obviously aren’t watching Game of Thrones if you didn’t make that connection.

  5. Urgh royalty!

    I’m about 50% sure it’s a boy.

  6. Juch

    Off topic, but is anyone else getting malware alerts in Chrome about celebuzz when they visit here?

  7. Kate Middleton Baby Bump Pregnant
    Commented on this photo:

    “And Duchess, this is Tarquin Obama, who would be an officer here at the firehouse except for a problem with his birth certificate.”

  8. Kate Middleton Baby Bump Pregnant
    Commented on this photo:

    Officer Gary Sinise back there is totally scoping her ass.

  9. Kate Middleton Baby Bump Pregnant
    Commented on this photo:

    “Hydrangeas? I absolutely loathe hydrangeas.”

  10. Pete Nice

    Who cares!

  11. Kate Middleton Baby Bump Pregnant
    Frank Burns
    Commented on this photo:

    Raise your hand if you think Tom Cruise is short and gay!

  12. I love that you found a way to fit the term “douchecanoe” into this post. I try to use it on a regular basis.

  13. boy or girl, who knows and who cares? I just hope it comes out looking like a pacific islander. Or coal black.

Leave A Comment