Hear Ye! Hear Ye! The Royal Cervix Has Been Breached!

And so, per royal decree some quietly whisper was born out of fear the child might encounter the music of a “Justin Bieber,” the royal baby was instantly rocketed into space with specific instructions to colonize the moon in the name of England. The Americans never saw it coming.

If you haven’t heard the news trumpeted from every corner of the empire, Kate Middleton’s uterus has finally expunged the holy union of her commoner egg with Prince William’s royal sperm. And thanks heavens, it’s a boy! I mean, they would’ve loved it no matter what it was and were not at all hoping for a guaranteed lock against usurpers. Haha, pish posh! But no bother, Prince Charles has already taken time away from his busy schedule visiting a farm in the countryside with a pig that looks like Winston Churchill to issue an official statement:

“Both my wife and I are overjoyed at the arrival of my first grandchild. It is an incredibly special moment for William and Catherine and we are so thrilled for them on the birth of their baby boy.
Grandparenthood is a unique moment in anyone’s life, as countless kind people have told me in recent months, so I am enormously proud and happy to be a grandfather for the first time and we are eagerly looking forward to seeing the baby in the near future.”

Meanwhile, word is buzzing amongst the peasants that the Duke and Duchess have bypassed tradition by not displaying a birth announcement on the gilded royal easel outside Buckingham Palace – Shitting you, I’m afraid, I am not. – and instead emailed the announcement, according to BBC reporter Peter Hunt:

William and Kate’s officials say they’ve made this change so the birth announcement can be made as “quickly and simply as possible”.

And The Superficial has just received word that as part of their plans to usher in this new technological age for their newborn son, Ruler Regent Supreme of The First Nursery Division, the royal guard shall henceforth be replaced with half-man/half-cyborg officers for maximum protection and efficiency. Their first candidate is a young man by the name of Murphy who was mortally wounded by drug peddlers. Dreadful business, I must say.

Photos: Getty