Hear Ye! Hear Ye! The Royal Cervix Has Been Breached!

July 22nd, 2013 // 20 Comments
Dodged That Bullet
Kate Middleton Pregnant Animal Print Dress Princess Cruise Ship Naming Ceremony
Kate & Kim's Babies Almost Shared A Birthday Read More »

And so, per royal decree some quietly whisper was born out of fear the child might encounter the music of a “Justin Bieber,” the royal baby was instantly rocketed into space with specific instructions to colonize the moon in the name of England. The Americans never saw it coming.

If you haven’t heard the news trumpeted from every corner of the empire, Kate Middleton‘s uterus has finally expunged the holy union of her commoner egg with Prince William‘s royal sperm. And thanks heavens, it’s a boy! I mean, they would’ve loved it no matter what it was and were not at all hoping for a guaranteed lock against usurpers. Haha, pish posh! But no bother, Prince Charles has already taken time away from his busy schedule visiting a farm in the countryside with a pig that looks like Winston Churchill to issue an official statement:

“Both my wife and I are overjoyed at the arrival of my first grandchild. It is an incredibly special moment for William and Catherine and we are so thrilled for them on the birth of their baby boy.
Grandparenthood is a unique moment in anyone’s life, as countless kind people have told me in recent months, so I am enormously proud and happy to be a grandfather for the first time and we are eagerly looking forward to seeing the baby in the near future.”

Meanwhile, word is buzzing amongst the peasants that the Duke and Duchess have bypassed tradition by not displaying a birth announcement on the gilded royal easel outside Buckingham Palace – Shitting you, I’m afraid, I am not. – and instead emailed the announcement, according to BBC reporter Peter Hunt:

William and Kate’s officials say they’ve made this change so the birth announcement can be made as “quickly and simply as possible”.

And The Superficial has just received word that as part of their plans to usher in this new technological age for their newborn son, Ruler Regent Supreme of The First Nursery Division, the royal guard shall henceforth be replaced with half-man/half-cyborg officers for maximum protection and efficiency. Their first candidate is a young man by the name of Murphy who was mortally wounded by drug peddlers. Dreadful business, I must say.

Photos: Getty

superficial

  1. cc

    In six months he’ll find an old picture of Elizabeth Hurley in Prince William’s belongings and start masturbating.

  2. Randal

    A heartfelt congratulations to the beautiful mother and father! The entire world was watching with anticipation – boy or girl – and the moment did not disappoint!

    This is one small step for our little new born George Philip and one giant leap for the Royal Family.

    Randal

  3. Gin&Tonic

    as shitty as the last few days of having to listen to this shit were (significantly) it’s one hell of a lot better than KimK’s calving

  4. Royal Cervix breached? Blahhh. Where was the news of the breaching of the Royal Hymen? Journalistic incompetence.

  5. Mee Mee

    They did do the royal easel.

  6. I am a tad disappointed. I was looking forward to some Tudor-style drama. They just don’t make successions like they used to.

  7. Weeblo

    What if the boy wants to grow up to be a Queen?

    • schmidtler

      That would be in clear contravention of the ancient maxim that ‘if the Queen had balls, she’d be the King’.

  8. kim kartrashiass announces shes pregnant again in 3…2…1…

  9. “Both my wife and I are overjoyed at the arrival of my first grandchild. (Notice I said MY grandchild? Her grandchild would be a Shetland Pony.) It is an incredibly special moment for William and Catherine and we are so thrilled for them on the birth of their baby boy. (Goddamnit, another pretender to my throne! I hope he has my ears.)
    Grandparenthood is a unique moment in anyone’s life, as countless kind people have told me in recent months,

    • (continued…)
      (Yeah, I’m old. So FUCK YOU!) so I am enormously proud and happy to be a grandfather for the first time and we are eagerly looking forward to seeing the baby in the near future.” (The little bastard will probably get to the throne before I do!)

  10. kery

    Congratulations It`s a good dayyyyyyy!!

  11. Jenn

    If he turns out to be a little Joffrey, someone from over there needs to promise to take him out.

  12. Royal Cervix breached?
    I seriously doubt it.Celebrities and royalty are way to posh to push.No doubt that she had one mild contraction (or a fart pain) and was then imediately given the epidural and wheeled away to a c-section where she was sang to by Anja Harteros and fanned by muscular african men.How dare anyone even speculates that she actually used her vagna for what it´s actually designed for…how rude!

  13. And lo, the world didst yawn, and without drama, turned back to watching Futurama on Netflix.

Leave A Comment