Kate Gosselin Wants a Cop to Beat Her Kids. And Her Heart…

When her uterus isn’t directly causing crazed gunmen to hold the Discovery Channel building hostage, Kate Gosselin secretly pines for a strapping man in the law enforcement profession to rough her kids up before discharging his sidearm into her wanting perp. (Police erotica: Catch it!) Us Magazine reports:

At an Emmys after-party in L.A. on Sunday, the reality mom told a fellow reveler what kind of man she’s looking for: “a tough guy, like a cop, to whip my kids into shape,” Kate, 35 said. Someone, the divorced Kate Plus 8 star added, “who can handle my situation.”

And by her situation she means recklessly not choosing a selective reduction or she wouldn’t get as much free gifts as those sextuplets in Ohio. Oh, you didn’t know? That’s what this whole thing was always about. After Kate shat out her brood, she went on a rampage making sure she scored all the “freebies” her birth canal rightfully deserved. Except, surprise, you actually have to raise all those kids – or at least occasionally trip over them – even if you’re on Dancing with the Stars. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’d probably ixnay the whipping talk after it’s been reported you pay your ex-husband hush money not to call child services. Or, no, wait, maybe I’m saying, I love kicking children around the house like soccer balls. Whichever one ends with me seeing Kate’s breasts then weeping for five days from shame and regret. It’s that one.

Photos: INFdaily