Tara Reid’s designer handbag was stolen at the Spanish isle of Ibiza’s airport on Sunday. The Balenciaga handbag contained $180,000 worth of jewelry, including a Rolex watch that apparently had “sentimental value,” a detail which her publicist hopes will garner our sympathies but won’t because we’re all going to snicker self-righteously instead and here’s why:
Why is it that Tara Reid has $180,000 worth of jewelry and a Balenciaga handbag and I don’t? I would have at least kept an eye on it, and then I would have cherished the handbag and worn the jewelry and splurged on some breast implants and liposuction procedures that weren’t conducted in a back-alley and been grateful for my fame and fortune which I would have deserved. Sure, that would essentially make me a tranny with expensive taste, but so what? I’d still be more sensible and demure than Tara Reid, who, if recent history has taught us anything, probably drank her handbag. God, she did drink her handbag, didn’t she? Fess up, Reid! You drank your own handbag is a drunken stupor, didn’t you? Didn’t you, Rummy? Bah, what’s the point? She’s already passed out.