Over the weekend, Ryan Seacrest hinted heavily that the evil he inflicted upon America would soon shat out another wedding thanks to Kanye West proposing to Kim Kardashian on her 32nd birthday this past Sunday. Except none of that happened, and instead Kanye just flew to her Italy where he banged her without making her reenact all the positions from her sex tape (just some) because it’s her special day. So either Kanye isn’t a complete idiot and is just stringing Kim along until he gets tired of putting on climbing gear every time he wants to get into her butt, or this happened:
KRIS: And where are you two off to?
KIM: To Italy to get engaged!
KRIS: Oh, no, no, no. I didn’t spend all morning forcing my nipples out of this Wonder Woman costume for you two to steal my thunder.
KANYE: Aw, c’mon, Mrs. J.
KRIS: Kanye West, don’t make me call your mother.
KANYE: She’s dead.
KRIS: And your selfishness is why. Now someone show me how to Twitter the Internet before Bruce gets home and thinks he can touch these. You think that face is scary now, you should see the man have an orgasm. Like the ending to Raiders of the Ark.
(I gave Kris way too many sassy quips instead of making her eat an orphan, I know.)