If you been on some form of Internet connection over the past 24 hours, chances are you’ve either already seen or heard about Kai the hitchhiking hatchet-wielding hero who stopped a crazed maniac/alleged rapist/vehicular manslaughterer from bear-hugging a woman to death because he’s Jesus and Jesus hates blacks now. It’s an epic story for the ages told by a man who’s already been dubbed a modern-day Caine from Kung Fu provided Caine was wandering the Earth because his parents kicked him out for stealing his grandmother’s pills. So trust me when I say this is one you’re going to want to gather the kids around for because it’s chock-full of life lessons straight out of Dogtown. Including, but not limited to:
- You’re worth something. BOOSH.
- People say don’t hitchhike, but look what happened by hitchhicking. SKADOOSH.
- If someone says they’re Jesus, you say you’re the fucking Anti-Christ and hit them with a hatchet. SLICKA-BICKA-DICKA-BOOSH.
- Always use a televised news interview to beg for free surfboards.
So for any of you out there worried about your sons or daughters hitchhiking across America because you got mad they quit Panera for not using “conflict-free beans, man,” sleep easy tonight for there’s a hero out there. A hatchet hero. And “Smash, smash, SMA-AASSSH,” is his call.
Photos: Splash News