Kai The Homeless Hitchhiking Hatchet Hero Is Your New Antoine Dodson

February 5th, 2013 // 22 Comments
Kai Homeless Hatchet Hero
WATCH: Kai The Homeless Hitchhiking Hatchet Hero

If you been on some form of Internet connection over the past 24 hours, chances are you’ve either already seen or heard about Kai the hitchhiking hatchet-wielding hero who stopped a crazed maniac/alleged rapist/vehicular manslaughterer from bear-hugging a woman to death because he’s Jesus and Jesus hates blacks now. It’s an epic story for the ages told by a man who’s already been dubbed a modern-day Caine from Kung Fu provided Caine was wandering the Earth because his parents kicked him out for stealing his grandmother’s pills. So trust me when I say this is one you’re going to want to gather the kids around for because it’s chock-full of life lessons straight out of Dogtown. Including, but not limited to:

- You’re worth something. BOOSH.
- People say don’t hitchhike, but look what happened by hitchhicking. SKADOOSH.
- If someone says they’re Jesus, you say you’re the fucking Anti-Christ and hit them with a hatchet. SLICKA-BICKA-DICKA-BOOSH.
- Always use a televised news interview to beg for free surfboards.

So for any of you out there worried about your sons or daughters hitchhiking across America because you got mad they quit Panera for not using “conflict-free beans, man,” sleep easy tonight for there’s a hero out there. A hatchet hero. And “Smash, smash, SMA-AASSSH,” is his call.

Photos: Splash News

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  1. “If you been on some form of Internet connection over the past 24 hours, chances are you’ve either already seen or heard about Kai the hitchhiking hatchet-wielding hero…”

    Really? Never heard of it, and Google has exactly 1 link to the related story. I think you need to get out more, Fish.

  2. Juch

    If Jesus hates black people, does that mean George Bush was Jesus? And did Kanye know that before the rest of us?

  3. Marnie

    He’s even got the Dodson uniform down.

  4. Yeah, but to do the Dodson auto-tune thing they’re gonna have to beep the “fuck” out of it. Literally.

  5. DeucePickle

    I can’t wait for the auto-tuned version of this

  6. USDA Prime McBeef

    I’m gonna need to drop 50% more F-bombs if I expect to compete against this guy in the F-bomb olympics.

    • cc

      You should have heard the argument I got into with my old landlord. This guys a rank fuck amateur.

      All joking aside, imagine the torrent of prank calls this is going to lead to?

  7. blerg

    He didn’t need a gun stop that freak.

    • great observation – so, since nobody needs a gun to stop anybody from committing violent crimes, let’s have the cops turn in their guns and issue them hatchets instead. Sound plan, there!
      Also, fyi, the first guy still did get rammed with the car and nearly killed. Maybe we should all have to turn in our cars, since they can be used to commit violent crimes.

  8. DeucePickle

    “Fuck is cool, that guy ain’t.”

  9. hunnie

    Article has it all wrong. It was in Fresno California, not Florida. Get it right, check the facts.

  10. More like a hatchethiker.

  11. Toker

    Idiots like this are why marijuana will never be legal in this country. Thanks for spoiling it for the rest of us by unleashing your crazy, dude!

  12. Ripley's Believe It Or Not

    I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest every victim of his hatcheting skills gets recorded as a peace symbol on his bandana. Our friend here didn’t break his hatcheting virginity with this attack, oh no siree.

  13. Whats new

    I’m going to assume you all are just joking.
    Regardless of of everything you think is wrong with him, he is a hero. And I’ll also gather that most of the people here don’t know that he was using the flat end of the hatchet and just knocked the man out. The guy is booked and awaiting legal recourse for the vehicular attack, and everything else he possibly may have done before and during. This guy didn’t murder anyone, and didn’t commit any crimes, the interview was taken right after and he’s still rushing with adrenaline.
    He’s a hero regardless of what you think,.

  14. And here’s what Kai was like before he became a surfing, pot smoking Batman http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=azJsEx6FFU4&feature=share

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