Kacey Jordan is Describing Sex with Charlie Sheen Now

February 1st, 2011 // 115 Comments

Porn star Kacey Jordan has been cashing in as fast as she can since being the first to identify herself as 1/4th of Charlie Sheen‘s quadruple hooker bonanza. She’s literally taking any interview on the table which is why I’d like to offer her $20 to explain the marketability of having grotesquely swollen labia because I can’t seem to get my head around it. Anyway, while Kacey ponders that, here she is talking to E! News about what it’s like to have sex with Charlie Sheen for money and yet somehow not be arrested for prostitution:

“It was OK,” Jordan tells us. “It didn’t last very long.”
While Jordan was surprised about their “quick” romp, she has a theory why it was so brief.
“Because he was so f–ked up,” she claims. “When you’re that high…his performance wasn’t very long.”
By her count, Mr. Two and a Half Men clocked in at just over two and a half minutes. She alleges he later made some “excuses” for his abbreviated performance.
“It was a three-minute ordeal,” Jordan says of the hookup, which happened right before she left his house. “After sex we just sat in bed and he held on to me. He was sloppy but still functioning, [he] wouldn’t stop kissing my feet. He promised me he’d get me a Bentley.”
Jordan claims Sheen was so much the worse for wear that she felt bad leaving, but did and went directly to deposit the check he wrote her for $30,000.
“He’s the nicest guy, kind, sweet,” she says. “But for my safety, if I didn’t leave, I’ll be on a stretcher in the hospital. I sent him a text asking for the other $25,000.”

So basically she left Charlie Sheen for dead, but then took the time to remind him he owed her a Bentley and an amount of money that changes every time I hear it. Wow, they really do have hearts of gold. In the meantime, you know what might’ve been a great tactic to get all that plus more? NOT. TALKING. Then again, I’m sure telling millions of people a crazed gun-nut with a violent drug addiction only lasted two minutes in the sack is a good idea, too. It’s not like you’re in a profession full of soulless, disposable people that no one would miss, amirite? I’m right. (Serious about that offer though.)

Photos: Splash News

superficial

  1. Matt

    Uhh, hello? IRS?

    How are you going to report illegally gained income Kacey?

  2. Charlie Sheen Jr.

    I take offense to her questioning his performance. If I’m Charlie Sheen Sr. and I’m paying $30,000 for sex, I will last as long as I damn well please. If you’re charging $15,000/minute to get boned, don’t blame your partner for being a selfish lover.

  3. Gabish

    I just watched this girl take the biggest penis down her mouth!

  4. North salem

    Wow,i remember her from high school. She was quiet and never figured her to be a skanky whore suckin cock for money!

  5. hiptop

    This is just sad……..

  6. Peter

    Charlie Sheen = douchbag

  7. Danielle

    Kacey is a porn star we all need to remember that. There is a reason she has turned out that way. She is not a good person. Check her out doing what she does best besides sucking in her 15 minutes of fame
    CharliesPornStars.com

  8. LabiaLover

    The author and many commentators are the sick fucks behind many girls getting their labia butchered by cosmetic surgeons ( labioplasty)
    Some girls have big labia minora ( protruding naturally) even if they were a virgin. It has NOTHING to do with teh amount of sex they have had!
    Like Boobs large or small they are beautiful and can be fun!

  9. zi

    haha, hope he didn’t throw money like that once again. one bitch doesn’t worth a tenth of the money.

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