Kacey Jordan is Describing Sex with Charlie Sheen Now

February 1st, 2011 // 115 Comments

Porn star Kacey Jordan has been cashing in as fast as she can since being the first to identify herself as 1/4th of Charlie Sheen‘s quadruple hooker bonanza. She’s literally taking any interview on the table which is why I’d like to offer her $20 to explain the marketability of having grotesquely swollen labia because I can’t seem to get my head around it. Anyway, while Kacey ponders that, here she is talking to E! News about what it’s like to have sex with Charlie Sheen for money and yet somehow not be arrested for prostitution:

“It was OK,” Jordan tells us. “It didn’t last very long.”
While Jordan was surprised about their “quick” romp, she has a theory why it was so brief.
“Because he was so f–ked up,” she claims. “When you’re that high…his performance wasn’t very long.”
By her count, Mr. Two and a Half Men clocked in at just over two and a half minutes. She alleges he later made some “excuses” for his abbreviated performance.
“It was a three-minute ordeal,” Jordan says of the hookup, which happened right before she left his house. “After sex we just sat in bed and he held on to me. He was sloppy but still functioning, [he] wouldn’t stop kissing my feet. He promised me he’d get me a Bentley.”
Jordan claims Sheen was so much the worse for wear that she felt bad leaving, but did and went directly to deposit the check he wrote her for $30,000.
“He’s the nicest guy, kind, sweet,” she says. “But for my safety, if I didn’t leave, I’ll be on a stretcher in the hospital. I sent him a text asking for the other $25,000.”

So basically she left Charlie Sheen for dead, but then took the time to remind him he owed her a Bentley and an amount of money that changes every time I hear it. Wow, they really do have hearts of gold. In the meantime, you know what might’ve been a great tactic to get all that plus more? NOT. TALKING. Then again, I’m sure telling millions of people a crazed gun-nut with a violent drug addiction only lasted two minutes in the sack is a good idea, too. It’s not like you’re in a profession full of soulless, disposable people that no one would miss, amirite? I’m right. (Serious about that offer though.)

Photos: Splash News

superficial

  1. Bucky Barnes

    David Lee Roth, you’re lookin’ FINE!

  2. jojo

    Hmmm. Curious that she would leave out the obvious. A full roundhouse donkey punch with an elbow chaser..

  3. “It was a three-minute ordeal” …

    “After sex we just sat in bed and he held on to me”…

    “[he] wouldn’t stop kissing my feet”…

    BWAH HA HA HA HA!!!! THIS IS COMEDY GOLD!!!

  4. Cock Dr

    OMG….apparently Charlie managed to get it up.

    Does she have grotesquely swoleen labia? Is that a plus for women in the adult entertainment industy? Or perhaps she has some sort of labia enhancement/implants. Anything is possible if it will get dumb people to part with their money.

    Anyone else wanna step up to the mike for some insight into the Sheen mindset?

    • Cock Dr

      Swollen. The word is SWOLLEN.
      Goddamn fat fingers today.

    • Dan

      I actually do not understand the women he picks. They aren’t my type at all…

    • IttyBittyTittyCommittee

      Doc,
      if you ran to pornhub and watched her videos, as i did, you would know Fishies line about not getting his head around her swollen labia is his funniest yet.
      Remember that dude with the lips on Fat Albert, they look like that but 6.5 times fatter. Oh…….and pink.
      I could wear those lips as a shower cap. I wear a size 7.5 in case you come around on getting me a Xmas present.

      • Cock Dr

        A shower cap……
        OK, now I have an image in my head that I never, ever wanted or needed.
        Fish doesn’t show us anything spicy anymore. Such a shame….as the curiosity is there. It’s just not worth infecting my PC with a virus.

      • IttyBittyTittyCommittee

        And that image would be……?
        Me in the shower?
        Don’t worry, I’m so self concious about my body (damn media) I shower fully clothed. It saves on electricity and water too.
        Go Green!
        p.s.
        My mother said I should get my third nipple taken off when I was 5, but I liked playing with it (think of Kelly Ripas belly button).
        Turns out she was right.
        Mothers are always right.
        Isn’t that right Mommy? I’m a good boy, right?
        My therapist will make me take 2 enimas tonight after this outburst.
        Damn!

    • Sup Doc,
      What kind of chick he likes may just be chicks with ridic huge labia. Wasn’t one of Denise Richards’ flaps hangin out of her bikini bottom last year/maybe year before?

    • mel

      holy shiat! just looked her up at freeones.ca and …frankly i’m speechless. i love tiny titters like hers and she does have an appealing corn wagon, but that clam of hers is revolting. it looks like someone stuck a firecracker in there and set it off. i’d venture a bet that it sounds like crickets when she walks anywhere!

  5. Rough City, U.S.A.

    What’s a grotesque labia?

    • Cock Dr

      Something bigger than your head.
      I’m guessing.

    • Happy Spillmore

      Whats a grotesque labia???

      Dunno…I love a mouthful of piss flaps…a set so stretchy that I can tie them around my balls so the knot tickles my taint when you pull all but the head out.

    • fap

      He’s probably going for that “fucking a newborn baby” feel. Also prob why Denise left him, must’ve been tricky around nappy changing time knowing you could ask him to pitch in and leave him there unsupervised.

  6. Potzer

    They really need to get a reboot/re imagining of “Pretty Woman” green lit now! (except call it “Vapid Fame Whore Cunt”)

    A fairytale romance about hookers with hearts of gold set in 2011 Hollywood.

  7. yawn

    i cant imagine him only lasting a couple minutes.. when you’re high on coke your dick just doesnt function like you want it to.. difficult to take a piss.. difficult to cum.. takes ages when you’re the wrecked sort of coke high.. which is what she said…
    it isnt as if he’s so horned up from fucking pornstars they’re nothing special.. they are the girls next door to him…
    she is lying.

  8. hello

    All these women look like something the cat left over.

  9. Satan's bitch

    Gawd, Charlie, give the woman the money for hair, makeup and wardrobe. I thought those movie hookers — I mean “porn stars” made serious bucks. She spends hers on tabloid newspapers and lottery tickets, then shops at Goodwill?

    • LJ

      Today’s Video “Porn Stars” make $300-$3000 per shoot. Some make more, but those would be the real headliners.

      Usually Porn Stars also work Strip Clubs around the country to supplement the money the make filming.

      Some, it seems, also offer “services to the public” to make the rent.

  10. wtf_Charlie

    I fuck hotter girls than that, and it doesnt cost me 30k..

    Couple shots of Jager, and im in.

    • Crabby Old Guy

      Hell to that. 30K to get laid? WTF. You can get better for free at the neighborhood Dairy Queen. He is a complete idiot – not that there was ever a doubt.

  11. Kacey Jordan
    Satan's bitch
    Commented on this photo:

    She appeared on national TV wearing that?? What a whore! WAIT…

    • Cock Dr

      I knew it wouldn’t take long for you to connect the dots. We be smart people on the Superficial.

  12. Bastian

    Why HASN’T she been arrested for prostitution?!?! She goes on national television and basically says “I F-ed Charlie for money, imaginary future money, and an imaginary car”… and after she has spouted all of this word vomit against Charlie I imagine he could probably sue her for defamation, then again Charlie would have to have a good name for her to tarnish. Good luck to you Dainty Miss Jordan. Maybe next year you’ll beat out Bree Olson at the porn awards.

    • Splint

      You can have sex with women and you can give women money after you have sex with them. What you can’t do is ask a woman to have sex with you for money or they can’t offer to have sex with you for money. It’s subtle, yes, but there’s a difference.

      • *taking notes*

        Mm-hm… do go on. Anything else I should know? What about if you write on a big placard “HAVE SEX WITH ME AND I MAY OR MAY NOT GIVE YOU MONEY”, is that cool?

    • LJ

      What she does need to be worried about, now that she made herself a public figure, is the Tax Man calling on her for all the taxes she hasn’t paid on her income.

      I can imagine that call will come soon now that they know she’d got $30K to pay the back taxes and fines.

  13. Did she remember to mention he owes her money and a bentley this time? She did? ok good, I was afraid she’d forgotten to bring that up.

  14. not surprised

    women have it so easy!! Fuck, get paid.

  15. RoboZombie

    FLAAAAAAAAAAAAPS!!!!

  16. Nathalie

    Instead of semen, coke just bursted out while ejaculating.

  17. Rough City, U.S.A.

    Kissing feet is so intimate, I would like to meat Jordan in person to see if she has the same effect on me. Charlie was truly in love for 2 and half minutes…

  18. Lady Blah Blah

    “He promised me he’d get me a Bentley.”

    1. Assuming Charlie did in fact make such a promise, its strength as a legally binding oral contract is compromised by the fact that (by Kaycee’s own testimony), Charlie was very high when he made the promise,
    2. and because, unless he was specific about what kind of Bentley he would buy – or “get” – Kaycee, and when he would buy it for her (e.g., this year, this century), the promise doesn’t have the strength of a legally binding oral contract.

    Charlie should either ignore this blather about a promised Bentley, or buy her a toy Bentley and tell her and her Jimmy Durante nose to get lost.

    • You left out the legal precident of “Tiger Woods v. et al” wherein the courts agreed that oral contracts with adult entertainers were not legally binding as they are not legally people.

      • seth rogen's vagina

        The promise to make a gift in the future is without any legally sufficient consideration and is therefore entirely unenforceable. Res Ipsa Loquitor. For those not fluent in Latin, that translates to ‘the labia speak for themselves’.

      • Richard McBeef

        i have seriously only lol’ed maybe a dozen times on the internet but McFeely got me on this one.

    • Something tells me that if you asked either of them what the definition of an ‘oral contract’ was, you’d get two different but equally hilarious answers.

  19. Rutters

    25,000? Bentley? to quote Ash in Army of Darkness – “Oh that’s just what we call pillow talk, baby, that’s all.”

  20. Mr Obvious

    Charlie Sheen overpays for hookers. I guess that $12,000 for Carpi Anderson really was for her time and not for sex. Apparently, sex with Charlie Sheen is at least $30,000.

  21. I wish this whore would shut up already..

  22. babooda

    “Bentley” is Charlie’s nickname for his junk! Girl just doesn’t get the big picture.

  23. My head hurts… she got – what is it this version, a Bentley/Lear Jet/AMC Gremlin and $25k/$30k/a hundred bajillion dollars? – for a whopping 3 minutes of work, and she has the goddamned audacity to complain? There wasn’t even any fisting involved!

  24. Richard McBeef

    I bet she could take on two and half men, no trouble.

  25. Kacey Jordan
    SparkyMcgee
    Commented on this photo:

    People, people who need people
    Are the luckiest people in the world.

  26. GravyLeg

    His show should be called “2 and a Half Minute Men”.

    • IttyBittyTittyCommittee

      Hiyo…
      you must be the head writer for “The Good Wife”
      you are hysterical Gravy

      • GravyLeg

        I really don’t know if you just insulted me or complimented me.
        I am gonna go with a safe “thank you” on this one… Thank you!!
        Judges??

      • Cock Dr

        I think it’s cool. Most of the time you ARE quite hysterical.
        But I can’t be sure because I don’t know of this “Good Wife” show. If it’s on the Jersey Shore level then you may need to start polishing your dueling pistol. Mortal insult and all that…….

      • Mortimer Duke

        The Good Wife is an Emmy award winning drama on CBS. The writing on that show is superb.

      • GravyLeg

        Cool!! DOUBLE “Thank you” then. :)

      • IttyBittyTittyCommittee

        Total compliment Gravy.
        This is FattyFatty2X4, your biggest fan? remember?
        Why so skiddish?
        You earned the funniest commenter title here, be cocksure and hold your head up broham.

      • IttyBittyTittyCommittee

        Doc–
        polishing our dueling pistols? really?
        Now you’re imagining me and Gravy with our ‘pistols” in our hands, bodys naked, glistening with sweat dueling?
        Doc…..?
        patiently waiting…………
        Doc…..?
        I hope I didnt just program you to those thoughts.
        I had fun imagining tho.
        You are my touchstone Doc, thanx.

    • GravyLeg

      LMAO – You and your damn name changes!!

      Not trying to be timid, just realized I had no idea which direction that comment went. :) Is that officially written somewhere? Thanks! Like I said, I am shooting for a “Best of the Gravy” replay in December 2011.

      • Cock Dr

        Fatty, you are overcaffeinated today.
        Gentlemen who wish to may duel to their heart’s content……..but remember to spatter each other, not on the floor.

      • IttyBittyTittyCommittee

        As usual Doc, your intuition is right. Had 4 cups of Joe today, 4 over the normal intake.
        So what am I wearing right now?
        If you get this right, I am so loving you long time.

  27. Sandra

    She’s trying to say in a round about way that he was so turned on by her he came fast despite the coke. Men go fast when they’re turned on.

    I bet he didn’t go at all–the coke, like alcohol would inhibit him from coming.

  28. Yikes

    Nothing like waking up at the butt crack of dawn, driving to work despite the ice storm causing a state of emergency, and narrowly avoiding an accident on the way home after the big boss man finally lets us out early, only to read a story about some questionable looking slut getting paid tens of thousands of dollars to spread her legs and do a bunch of blow poolside at a mansion. God bless America.

  29. GravyLeg

    I think we are all forgetting who the REAL victim is here.

    Jonathon Cryer.

    Hollywood comebacks don’t grow on trees and the man came back from being “Duckie”. I bet he is somewhere sharpening a sword right now.

  30. Joe Blow

    She has more chins than the Chinese phone book.

  31. Rhialto

    It isn’t always that all men getting an instant boner at once. A lot of the good work depends on the girl as well ofcourse.

  32. Rough City, U.S.A.

    I love you Jordan…

  33. Kacey Jordan
    Rough City, U.S.A.
    Commented on this photo:

    Hands off Nick Cage…

  34. Gee i didn’t know David Lee roth had a sex change operation.

  35. The Listener

    That’s gratitude for you. He gave her $30,000 for 3 minutes of sex. She made $10,000 a minute. And she shows her appreciation by further humiliating the man in public by telling the whole world he prematurely ejaculated. She even asks for another $25,000. Charlie’s behavior can be explained because he’s an alcoholic and drug addict.

    This girl is just plain greedy. $55,000 just isn’t enough for her.

  36. oh geez

    I’m not sure how many womens’ hoohas you’ve seen, Fish, but a quick google search to look at this ho’s labia shows me she is completely normal and they’re not grotesquely swollen. Quick looking at porn and start looking at some real women, asshole.

    • I dunno man, they’re pretty big. Granted not the distended monstrosities that everyone’s been making them out to be but still they’re rather prominent. That said there’s nothing wrong with that at all.

  37. A.J.

    RadarOnline says that his parents are trying to get conservatorship over him, like Papa Spears did with Britney.

    I don’t know – that “he held on to me” line made me kinda sad.

    What set Charlie off anyway? Losing Brooke?!? Maybe he considered her his last chance to be normal and is just really depressed.

  38. Banging’ Hookers…fine. Snorting Coke…fine. Breaking records in “TV crappiness”…fine. Spending 30k for 3 minutes of sex with this…intervention.

  39. Nero

    Well, well, her interview is quite no nonsense. Was this her first contact with a ‘celebrity’?

  40. Shit Taco

    Her hair extensions are almost as almost as believable as the stories Sheen’s publicists come up with

  41. maloeia baboa

    Where is Stoya?
    my favorite small boob porn actress, And charlie didnt get her? WTF?
    maybe he didnt know about hethats imposibble, She does the best sex ever, she is the tiniest thing,

    I would have LOVE LOVED LOVED LOVED for Stoya to make an appareance here

    google her youll see, best DP ever

  42. Muffy the Lesbian

    So being a prostitute is legal as long as you charge a lot?

  43. Stefen

    What the fu*k is wrong with America? Seriously. They make laws like no drugs, and shit like that but all the famous people do them, which influences normal civilians to do so. If America is strong and not weak, then they will bust every gang, arrest all actors, etc.

  44. DogBoy

    I think I would fuck Charlie Sheen for $30,000 and a Bentley.

  45. villenuv27

    C’mon Chuck, shop around; Arby’s got FIVE well done roast beef sandwiches for just $5.95. That’s a savings of $29,994.05. That’s a lot of blow.

  46. Semen wastebasket suddenly thinks she’s somebody. Fucking vile.

  47. mfb

    the howard sten interview today was way better than anything that appeared on e! online news…..trust me.

  48. I banged a chick that looked similar a few months ago (i was 14.3 % sober) and my penis has absolutely despised me ever since. Will not even look at me and hes the one who got us into the mess in the first place. Homewrecker!

  49. captain america

    ………………she is “Born Again” now.

  50. anonym

    this bitch should just be happy she got $30000.

    all the rest of the money should go to me

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