Kacey Jordan is Describing Sex with Charlie Sheen Now

Porn star Kacey Jordan has been cashing in as fast as she can since being the first to identify herself as 1/4th of Charlie Sheen’s quadruple hooker bonanza. She’s literally taking any interview on the table which is why I’d like to offer her $20 to explain the marketability of having grotesquely swollen labia because I can’t seem to get my head around it. Anyway, while Kacey ponders that, here she is talking to E! News about what it’s like to have sex with Charlie Sheen for money and yet somehow not be arrested for prostitution:

“It was OK,” Jordan tells us. “It didn’t last very long.”
While Jordan was surprised about their “quick” romp, she has a theory why it was so brief.
“Because he was so f–ked up,” she claims. “When you’re that high…his performance wasn’t very long.”
By her count, Mr. Two and a Half Men clocked in at just over two and a half minutes. She alleges he later made some “excuses” for his abbreviated performance.
“It was a three-minute ordeal,” Jordan says of the hookup, which happened right before she left his house. “After sex we just sat in bed and he held on to me. He was sloppy but still functioning, [he] wouldn’t stop kissing my feet. He promised me he’d get me a Bentley.”
Jordan claims Sheen was so much the worse for wear that she felt bad leaving, but did and went directly to deposit the check he wrote her for $30,000.
“He’s the nicest guy, kind, sweet,” she says. “But for my safety, if I didn’t leave, I’ll be on a stretcher in the hospital. I sent him a text asking for the other $25,000.”

So basically she left Charlie Sheen for dead, but then took the time to remind him he owed her a Bentley and an amount of money that changes every time I hear it. Wow, they really do have hearts of gold. In the meantime, you know what might’ve been a great tactic to get all that plus more? NOT. TALKING. Then again, I’m sure telling millions of people a crazed gun-nut with a violent drug addiction only lasted two minutes in the sack is a good idea, too. It’s not like you’re in a profession full of soulless, disposable people that no one would miss, amirite? I’m right. (Serious about that offer though.)

Photos: Splash News