After years of purchasing the cheapest plastic surgery money can reluctantly buy instead of vodka, JWoww has finally made the cover of Maxim after two prior shoots where she learned blowjays aren’t legally binding. On that note, JWoww’s finally reached the pinnacle of her existence and it’s all downhill from here which might come as a shock to anyone who correctly assumed this chick’s entire life was nothing but a drunken shitslide into becoming that waitress who’s worked at Hooter’s way too long but she aborted the manager’s kid, so he feels bad and won’t fire her:
You’ve been in Maxim three times now, but this is your first cover. How does it feel?
I cried when I found out. I was jumping up and down and totally bugging out. This is probably my highest accomplishment.
In the meantime, JWoww’s fans (You got me.) are complaining the shoot looks too “plastic” which is incredible because that’s like walking into a McDonald’s and complaining that they serve hamburgers. “This thing is serving its exact purpose!” That’s what those people just said.