Justin Verlander Isn’t Sexing Kate Upton Enough

Kate Upton is still making the rounds promoting her third SI Swimsuit Issue cover, and that’s always a treat because models say such relevant and interesting things. So last night, Kate Upton went on Watch What Happens Live and told America that Justin Verlander can’t play baseball if he’s had sex or has it later because his penis is a time traveler that holds a grudge? I have no idea. Via PEOPLE:

The 24-year-old supermodel swung by Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen on Wednesday, where she was asked by a caller whether her finacé — Detroit Tigers pitcher Justin Verlander — prefers sex before or after games.
Her answer was surprising. “There’s no sex before a game — absolutely none,” Upton said. “And also what I’ve found out is that if he plays well, there’s no sex after either. Because he’s exhausted!”
“Kind of a buzzkill for me,’ Upton joked.

First, fuck you, Justin Verlander. How good does your life need to be that you’re passing up sex with Kate Upton? Goddammit. Second, how many times do we have to hear supermodels tell the same obviously bullshit anecdotes where they try to make themselves seem just like us normals? Let’s head right into these fake quotes I made up and get them all out of the way, so Kate can go back to painting a fake necklace on nipples or however modeling works now.

“When my friends were playing house, I was always with the boys playing army!”
“I am obsessed with fantasy football!”
“I did a book report on The Hobbit in middle school. I’m such a nerd!”

Did I forget anything? Oh, right.

“I was such an awkward teen. I once got a pimple the night I was crowned Prom Queen. So embarrassing!”

(High school was fun for me. Is that coming through?)

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