Justin Timberlake & Jessica Biel Are Engaged

After having sex with Mila Kunis, Olivias Munn and Wilde, probably Amanda Seyfried and pretty much anyone with a vagina who walked past him, Justin Timberlake decided to get back together with Jessica Biel and propose to her because.. he smokes a lot of weed? Beats me. Us Weekly reports:

Timberlake, a six-time Grammy winner, popped the question to Biel, 29, in the mountains of Jackson, Wyoming. “Justin knows how much she loves snowboarding and the mountains, so it was the perfect place,” one insider explains.
After a brief three-month split in 2011, Biel made it clear that she wanted to spend her life with Timberlake, 30. “When they reunited, they had a conversation about taking the next step.”

Apparently Justin has “never been happier” which isn’t exactly groundbreaking news considering he spent three months banging a laundry list of Hollywood’s hottest actress and Jessica Biel still had sex with him again. As to what sent him running back, clearly it was waking up next to a Muppet strung out on heroin. While men such as myself are used to waking up next to a swamp creature, cheese-grating the filth off our penis and facing the day, coddled dandies like Justin Timberlake don’t have the constitution for such circumstance. Why I can see him now, face all contorted, tears streaming down his face as he delicately cups his violated genials in hands, whimpering for someone, anyone from the cover of People magazine to snuggle party him back to sanity. They don’t prepare you for that in the Mickey Mouse Club, I’ll tell you that much.

Photos: Getty