Justin Timberlake & Jessica Biel Are Engaged

January 4th, 2012 // 39 Comments

After having sex with Mila Kunis, Olivias Munn and Wilde, probably Amanda Seyfried and pretty much anyone with a vagina who walked past him, Justin Timberlake decided to get back together with Jessica Biel and propose to her because.. he smokes a lot of weed? Beats me. Us Weekly reports:

Timberlake, a six-time Grammy winner, popped the question to Biel, 29, in the mountains of Jackson, Wyoming. “Justin knows how much she loves snowboarding and the mountains, so it was the perfect place,” one insider explains.
After a brief three-month split in 2011, Biel made it clear that she wanted to spend her life with Timberlake, 30. “When they reunited, they had a conversation about taking the next step.”

Apparently Justin has “never been happier” which isn’t exactly groundbreaking news considering he spent three months banging a laundry list of Hollywood’s hottest actress and Jessica Biel still had sex with him again. As to what sent him running back, clearly it was waking up next to a Muppet strung out on heroin. While men such as myself are used to waking up next to a swamp creature, cheese-grating the filth off our penis and facing the day, coddled dandies like Justin Timberlake don’t have the constitution for such circumstance. Why I can see him now, face all contorted, tears streaming down his face as he delicately cups his violated genials in hands, whimpering for someone, anyone from the cover of People magazine to snuggle party him back to sanity. They don’t prepare you for that in the Mickey Mouse Club, I’ll tell you that much.

Photos: Getty


  1. Danger Powers

    Oh yeah this will last.

    • KV

      Exactly my thought. We should start a bet on how long it’s gonna last.

      • Terry

        She must be a desperate female. Justin has been banging all that smelly ass and all his jump offs that matter have been in the tabloids. So it amazes me that Beil would marry that dude. Disgusting.

    • Merlin

      Why would she want to marry him, he is not hot and one of the most annoying and unlikable people alive.

  2. sc4play

    Boi must have run into a tree snowboarding. Really, Justin? Horse-face #2??? Really?

  3. Deacon Jones

    Damn YOU, Timberlake.

    She was mine! MINE!

  4. JC

    Waking up next to an Olsen who’s offering you a bucket full of vodka and Ambien is bound to make a man reevaluate his future.

    • Cock Dr

      Yeah, when you put it that way it makes this woman’s winter sports jock persona seem mighty healthy and appealing.
      Back to olde reliable…..good luck with that.

  5. George Clooney

    Don’t be an idiot. You don’t marry them when they’re 1 year away from their expiration date and they’re a total butterface! Have you learned nothing?

  6. it had to be said

    He presented with with a Dick-in-a-Box with a ring around it. She had to tug and tug and tug to get the ring off. It was a win/win scenario.

  7. yesimaslutinsertpenisplease

    poor britney!

  8. Dude of Dudes

    Look Ive tasted all these other vagina’s and your’s was the best. Also Sinead is winking at me with a dirty brown eye. Time to go.

  9. forrest gump

    they both suffer from herpes.

  10. Lovely Sim

    He just feels bad about dumping her/cheating on her 47 times. Which is almost as bad as pregnancy as a reason for getting married.

  11. stratacat

    20 months to divorce. I called it first.

  12. It's the kimkim, bitches

    “…cheese-grating the filth off our penis and facing the day.” This is fucking disgusting. And that’s exactly what I love about it.

  13. catapostrophe

    If these two closeted homosexuals can’t make it work, what chance does anybody else have?

  14. Little Tongue

    She’s only 29? Get out! I thought she was AT LEAST mid 30s!

  15. The Royal Penis

    They’ll be happy for 6 years, pump out a couple kids and then he’ll trade her in for a new model at around the 10 year mark.

  16. sde

    She’s bi, he’s bi. Fact.

  17. Schmidtler

    I think George Clooney & Leo DiCaprio need to stage an emergency intervention pronto!

  18. Venom

    I am going to also have to agree that they will never make it to the altar either.

    What is with all these morons rushing to get married lately? Did they not see what happened to Tiger and Kobe?

  19. sc4play

    Note to Fish: I see Dat Ass, but it DOES NOT make up for Dat Face!!

  20. anonym

    divorce in 1 year.

    how long do you think ?

    place bets now !!!!!

  21. cc

    He couldn’t leave her behind.

  22. Guest

    1.5 months. he starts doing more movies that happen to have multiple nude scenes with hot women. obviously cheats on her, probably every night but the wedding night. she’ll pretend it’s not happening until he won’t even try to hide it anymore, trying to see when she’ll finally give up. But she won’t. In fact, she’ll probably ask to join. When she finally puts a hole in the condom and gets pregnant, he’ll freak out. back away spending more and more nights out, while posing for pictures with his hand on her belly. jessica will end up essentially singe mom, a la jennifer garner and katie holmes. the 3-somes will continue until the kid figures out what’s going on and starts smoking weed with dad. the end.

  23. Brit Boys Are Cool

    I’ve never thought he was attractive. He’ll always be that fugly, bleached pubic hairdo wearing douchebag.

  24. Bernard

    here nose work is weird, but these ladies with the giant smiles
    tend to look cute when they get older like their faces don’t sag as much or something

  25. Justin Timberlake Jessica Biel Engaged
    Commented on this photo:

    How? Just…how? Explain the Timberlake phenomenon to me first, then how he can land Biel.


  26. Justin Timberlake Jessica Biel Engaged
    Commented on this photo:

    How? Just…how? Explain the Timberlake phenomenon to me first, then how he can land Biel.


  27. Justin Timberlake Jessica Biel Engaged
    Commented on this photo:

    How? Just…how? Explain the Timberlake phenomenon to me first, then how he can land Biel.


  28. Justin Timberlake Jessica Biel Engaged
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    Commented on this photo:

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