Justin Timberlake is Going To Die

June 2nd, 2011 // 58 Comments

Justin Timberlake can basically have sex with anyone he wants – I was about to say, “now that he’s single,” then caught myself – including Olivia Wilde and Mila Kunis, except Us Weekly would have you believe his penis fancies the soft, murderous touch of a Muppet on heroin because that happens:

Justin Timberlake and Ashley Olsen — both newly single, former child stars with their own fashion labels — have been inseparable (and flirty!) in and around NYC of late.
One insider close to the pair (spotted together at the Greenwich Hotel, a Saturday Night Live afterparty, two Broadway shows and a polo match outside the city) tells Us: “They are hooking up.”
Adds another source of the unexpected twosome, who both ended high-profile relationships in March (he with Jessica Biel after four years together, she with actor Justin Bartha after two years): “They’re really trying to keep it on the down-low.”

BUTLER: What are your day’s events, Master Timberlake?
JUSTIN: I’m bored banging the world. I want to try something new.
BUTLER: Perhaps suspiciously dying like that Heath Ledger lad?
JUSTIN: Nice! Fetch me an Olsen twin.
BUTLER: Right away, sir.

Okay, maybe I can see this happening. You win this round, Us Weekly. This round…

Photo: Getty, Splash News


  1. Difference is I was sad to Ledger dead…

  2. so they get to swap fashion line tips?

    ain’t buyin the pussy crawl bit timberlake, if you were a real man you’d have leaked naked pics of these chicks by now

    • Cock Dr

      That would be counter productive for future top class poon obtainment.
      Most women (not the famewhores) appreciate men who can keep their mouths shut & the naked pics off the internet.

      • top class poon as in britney, fergie, milano, biel, and diaz? only if five twos count as a ten ;) “photos or it didn’t happen”

      • Cock Dr

        Those women were all working the self promotion angle.
        I mean, have any of you really LOOKED at Justin Timberlake? He’s kinda fugly.

      • is he? idk, but the uglier a dude is the less i reckon he works on his looks, thus the more i trust him when the soap hits the floor. jt always struck me as a prettyboy just dying to break out in synchronized dance..

    • TomFrank

      Wow, dude, what did that Turkish prison do to you?

      • Dan

        THANK YOU COCK DR.!!!

        Timberlake is pretty god damn fugly. On top of that, he has pretty effeminate gestures. I don’t understand why all these women go with him.

  3. The one on the left makes me wonder if there is a well involved…

  4. JC

    I feel my immortal soul being drained just staring into their murderous eyes in picture form. Banging one in person must be horrifying.

  5. RoboZombie

    These 2 had such potential! Biggest boner deflation ever…

  6. pixie

    what is wrong with them? why do they dress like this? can they not hire a stylist?

    and why are they always standing like siamese twins?

  7. If they could take Rhianna or Lindsay Lohan with them in a threesome, that would be great.

  8. Marley

    I don’t understand the hatred towards these two. I think they are gorgeous. And they are super successful business woman…maybe that’s what makes all of your little penises hide? Intimidation?

  9. john

    i dont find this post funny ,,what is wrong with them dating? Ashley Olsens is a successful women and no ta loser like the want who wrote the post .

  10. It had to be said

    The one on the right is Gwyneth Paltrow, so the one on the left is the murderess? I have trouble keeping them apart. Especially since they both dress like bag ladies and have the look of pure trauma in their eyes.

  11. Abby Normal

    I love the irony in the fact that the Olsens are forever linked to a guy who is famous (in part) for posing the question, “Why so serious?”
    Of course there’s no point in telling them to lighten up since their reaction would be to stop eating.

  12. Does it make me a bad person that I neither know, nor care which one is which? They both look like freakin’ children of the corn.

  13. Mary-Kate Olsen Ashley Olsen Justin Timberlake
    Commented on this photo:

    With in 2 years these two will be peeing in jars Howard Hughes style

  14. Govt. Cheese

    Such tiny little hands…WTF?

  15. Humperdinck van Penis

    Now that they’re legal, they’re not hot anymore. Why don’t they give the public what it really wants – a sister-lesbian porn movie. I’d pay $5 for that!

  16. the captain

    they are GONE, folks?

  17. cc

    Showing was what climbs of the railcar in Super 8 and no spoiler alert? Thanks!

  18. The one wearing the trench coat, mumu and costume jewelry is a fashion icon to flashers and grandmas alike. The one with the piercing glance is a cold blooded killa, who wears red to cover up the spatter patterns.

  19. Mary-Kate Olsen Ashley Olsen Justin Timberlake
    Commented on this photo:

    Holy crap. One looks like she jus spotted a squirrel and the other looks like she is contemplating eating someones soul. Or maybe one survives on the souls of squirrels and the other on the flesh, which would be kind of a ying/yang thing in crazy town where these two freaks currently live.

  20. Holland

    Pulitzer prize for the sentence: “his penis fancies the soft, murderous touch of a Muppet on heroin”

  21. The Critical Crassness

    Wow, I didn’t realize Justin Timberlake was so short and looked so much like Mary Kate Olsen….Oh wait, that is Mary Kate with Ashley. Come on, Fish, no pix, no proof and unless JT really does look that much like MK, you’ve got no proof for this silly ass story.

  22. Mary-Kate Olsen Ashley Olsen Justin Timberlake
    Mary Man Face
    Commented on this photo:

    Holy crap, check out the man face on Mary-Kate… Must be sad to have to look at the “good” twin all the time and know that you were the failure.

  23. Jonie

    They’re so petite… why do they insist on wearing huge baggy clothes all the time?

  24. Roxy

    They’re both ugly and the fact that they wear fur and don’t give a shit makes them even uglier.
    And to think that they’re considered icons in the fashion industry. The fashion industry is seriously fucked up.

  25. Marco

    Wait, are they already starting promos for that new “Planet of the Apes movie?”

    These monkeys girls are so weird looking.

  26. watson

    it looks like they both got identical nose jobs. wow. oh what money can do for you.

  27. Mary-Kate Olsen Ashley Olsen Justin Timberlake
    Commented on this photo:


  28. Elf

    Bedding the Olsen twins? Geez, these sexual fantasies about vampires have gone too far!

  29. Honkey

    Quickly, they’re multiplying! KILL THEM! KILL THEM WITH FIRE!!!

  30. DoorLocks


  31. I want them both so badly.

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