Justin Timberlake is Going To Die

Justin Timberlake can basically have sex with anyone he wants – I was about to say, “now that he’s single,” then caught myself – including Olivia Wilde and Mila Kunis, except Us Weekly would have you believe his penis fancies the soft, murderous touch of a Muppet on heroin because that happens:

Justin Timberlake and Ashley Olsen — both newly single, former child stars with their own fashion labels — have been inseparable (and flirty!) in and around NYC of late.
One insider close to the pair (spotted together at the Greenwich Hotel, a Saturday Night Live afterparty, two Broadway shows and a polo match outside the city) tells Us: “They are hooking up.”
Adds another source of the unexpected twosome, who both ended high-profile relationships in March (he with Jessica Biel after four years together, she with actor Justin Bartha after two years): “They’re really trying to keep it on the down-low.”

BUTLER: What are your day’s events, Master Timberlake?
JUSTIN: I’m bored banging the world. I want to try something new.
BUTLER: Perhaps suspiciously dying like that Heath Ledger lad?
JUSTIN: Nice! Fetch me an Olsen twin.
BUTLER: Right away, sir.

Okay, maybe I can see this happening. You win this round, Us Weekly. This round…

Photo: Getty, Splash News