Justin Timberlake Apologizes For Homeless Video, Now With Easy-To-Read Translations For The Poor

October 26th, 2012 // 39 Comments

Now that everyone knows his best friend made a wedding video mocking homeless people he may or may not have paid $40, Justin Timberlake has written an open letter on his website (which has since crashed) apologizing for the video and taking full responsibility for it if full responsibility means immediately using his charity work as a shield while trying to downplay the whole situation with kilt jokes and repeatedly pointing out he had nothing to do with it. He’s very noble.

To my family, friends, and fans:

Dear poor Buttfuck People:

The last time I wrote a letter like this, it was when I had the good fortune of attending a once in a lifetime experience by sharing an evening with some of America’s finest at the Marine Corps Ball about a year ago. I was so moved by that night, I wanted to share it with everyone. Unfortunately, this letter holds a different kind of weight for me.

Remember when I did that shit for the troops? Why you breaking my balls?

Normally, as some of you know, I am (by nature) a pretty private person. So, I don’t really take it upon myself to comment on things that so often go misunderstood or something that has even shed any kind of dark light on what was and will always be one of the most special weeks of my life. But, in light of the recent events, I can’t fight the urge to clarify my thoughts and feelings on what has been a very upsetting portrayal of the people closest to me and myself. It’s not who I am as a professional or as a man.

My publicist owns several firearms and a map to my house.

I can’t help but think of one of the many great life lessons my Grandfather has taught me… He told me when I was younger that “Sometimes, you are confronted with challenges in life that perhaps are not your own. And, when those moments arise, the right thing for a man to do is accept that responsibility, whatever it may be, and face it with honesty and humility.”

So, I’m taking his advice. If for no other reason, than to clear the air so no one has to ever wonder how I feel about it.

Here’s an anecdote that makes me look reverential to my elders while simultaneously pointing out I had nothing to do with this, but I’ll take the blame anyway because, again, guns.

I’d like to start off by saying that I don’t live my life making fun of people (unless, of course, I’m making fun of myself on SNL)… Especially, those who are less fortunate or those in need. I grew up with a family and community that instilled ideals in me like hard work, honesty and empathy. As a matter of fact, growing up in Tennessee, I was always taught that we as people, no matter what your race, sex, or stature may be, are equal. We have a saying there that “Everyone puts their pants on the same way(maybe this saying doesn’t apply to guys who wear kilts. Although, I’m sure they put theirs on the same way too…)”

See? Kilt humor! How can I possibly be a bad guy with these kind of jokes? I already forget what we’re talking about and so should you, girl. Say, is that a new charm bracelet? I like it.

As it pertains to this silly, unsavory video that was made as a joke and not in any way in mockery:

1. I had no knowledge of its existence. I had absolutely ZERO contribution to it.

But if I did, the production values would’ve been way better and had a dance number with Andy Samberg. FACT.

2. My friends are good people. This was clearly a lapse in judgment which I’m sure no one who is reading this is exempt from. But, I don’t believe it was made to be insensitive. More so, I think it was made as a joke on me not having that many friends attending my own wedding(which IS kind of funny if you think about it).

Please feel sorry for me, fuck-ups, the few friends I have are sycophant real estate agents who mock the poor. I mean, tried to mock me not having friends. That stuff.

3. Like many silly rumors that I have been made aware of about the week: It was NOT shown at my wedding.

WRONG AGAIN, CITIZENS OF BUTTFUCK!

4. I think we can all agree that it was distasteful, even though that was not it’s intention.
Once again, in the world that we live in where everyone thinks that they know everything, I want to be very clear… I am NOT defending the video. I agree with the overall consensus. But, to use another “pants” analogy… It seems that these days, misconception gets around the world before the actual truth even wakes up and gets it’s pants on.

I could’ve stopped after “distasteful,” but I never pass up an opportunity to discredit the media in case I get caught banging someone besides Jessica Biel again. Which I will, I’m very handsome.

I want to say that, on behalf of my friends, family, and associative knuckleheads, I am deeply sorry to anyone who was offended by the video. Again, it was something that I was not made aware of. But, I do understand the reaction and, by association, I am holding myself accountable.

I’m calling people who mock the poor “knuckleheads” now because, haha, wasn’t this all just a big misunderstanding? Yes, yes, it was. (Keep eating from my hand, bitches.)

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts. It really is a blessing to be able to speak directly to my true fans so that you can know exactly where I stand.

-Justin

And by directly I mean through the cold, sterile stare of a computer screen because I’m too busy having anal sex with my new wife.

P.S. You can bet your ass that I’m having my friend do at least 100 hours of community service… Boom.

That was another reference to ass sex. BOOM.

Photos: Getty

superficial

  1. Justin Timberlake Jessica Biel Break Up
    Mario
    Commented on this photo:

    His pupils are bigger than their wedding rings.

  2. Warren Piece

    When will people learn the difference between “it’s” and “its”.
    The former is a contraction, the latter possessive.

    Like this… “It’s amazing how awesome Biel’s tits are. I love it when one of her nipples slips out of its bra.”

    See how easy that is?

    • What with all that noble watch-me-fall-on-the-collective-guilt-grenade grandstanding, his confusing equality under the law with economic equality, and generally not comprehending that if he’s a good sport because he makes fun of himself on SNL and gets paid for it, it’s not quite the same thing if the human props in his friend’s video are exploited into making a mockery of their life for others’ sport, no wonder there’s no room in his fuzzy head for what ought to be a grammar basic.

      Plus, kilt jokes. Think of the drive space that shit must take up.

    • Mama Pinkus

      You may know the difference between ITS and IT’S but your overall grammar SUCKS.

  3. Justin Timberlake Jessica Biel Break Up
    Commented on this photo:

    i have some sauce for that spicy meat

  4. Justin Timberlake Jessica Biel Break Up
    mismy
    Commented on this photo:

    oh HEY herpes

  5. I just read the translation. Time is money.

  6. Jack Ketch

    So many teeth (veneers) that she looks like she has cheek implants … maybe she does. Either way, she’s not half as gorgeous as she thinks she is. Meh. Maybe this marriage will outlast Blake Lively’s.

    • Annie

      Nah… Blake and Ryan actually seem happy together, which is pretty baffling as it is. These two always look so awkward and miserable together. I just don’t understand why people marry if they’re not happy together. It baffles me. Marriage is already hard enough, pick the wrong partner and it can be your worst nightmare.

    • Devilish Diva

      Jessica looks great. I don’t understand why she’d want to marry this Gonzo from The Muppets meets Screech from Saved by the Bell looking mofo.
      Anyway, she’s had a lot of work done. Cheek and lip implants, nose job, possibly butt implants. There was an article that detailed the changes from when she was in her teens. Kind of like how the other Jessica—Simpson—had a ton of work done in her teens.

  7. I will only accept an apology from Jessica Biel…to my wiener. She needs to humm the apology….on my wiener..i mean…I want her to …oh nevermind

  8. zomgbie

    he should apologize to the homeless by getting them all an internet.

  9. Moo Cow Hunter

    Don’t have enough toilet paper to deal with all the crap this guy is shoveling. So, after the second paragraph just read the summary line Fish so aptly prepared.

  10. helmut

    Hobos, schmobos. When do I get an apology for the cardboard cuts on my wang, JT?

  11. Jesus that was rambling. It was meant to be all fire-side-chatty and personable, but just came off as condescending.

  12. The Royal Penis

    Is he famous for the song dick in a box, putting his dick in Biel’s box, or being a dick to those living in boxes?

  13. stratacat

    i really don’t get what she sees in him and himself.

  14. Justin Timberlake Jessica Biel Break Up
    Ronaldo
    Commented on this photo:

    Her best angle

  15. rantatonne

    so private i decided to become a celebrity

  16. Annie

    They made a video knowing he would enjoy it because they know him. If you don’t like that kind of stuff, your friends would know. And if you were into that kind of humor, you would not be friends with people who like to flaunt their wealth to those who don’t even have anything to eat or wear. People who would find it hilarious to think that you, super Mega Star King Asshole, would ever be friends with such trash.

    Awful, awful people. But I certainly love how technology allows us to see IMMEDIATELY what kind of pieces of shit celebrities are. In the golden days of Hollywood, celebrities did much worse and people never found out. There was this Mexican actor Pedro Infante, who hired guys so he could beat them up and called it “boxing training”, but he just beat the ever loving crap out of them (there’s claims that he was a closet gay too). And the men just took it because they needed money.

  17. mrsmass

    so if he had nothing to do with the video and it wasn’t shown at his wedding, why the fuck is he apologizing?

    • I'mCool

      Because he supports Obama!
      Why did it take so many posts before politics entered this discussion???

      Ha ha!

      But seriously, politics.
      Fuck.

  18. judgingyou

    Sooooooo, he’s starting to look like a gargoyle.

  19. Apology not accepted.

  20. Justin Timberlake Jessica Biel Break Up
    Alpha Female
    Commented on this photo:

    It’s too bad no one is appreciating that beautiful body of hers. Unless her and Justin have an open-relationship…

  21. Justin Timberlake Jessica Biel Break Up
    Mama Pinkus
    Commented on this photo:

    her artificially-inflated lip draws more attention to her too-toothy smile

  22. Jake

    Who is surprise the super rich don’t care about people with less money. A fool thing Timberlake or Mitt Romney care.

  23. Guest

    His writing offends me more than what his buddy did. Dark light? THESE people have money, and meanwhile, I’ve met a homeless guy who spoke Russian. Grandfather should have told him “show me your friends, and I’ll tell you who you are.”

  24. Inner Retard

    “What you just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone on this site is now dumber for having to listen to it. I award you no points and may God have mercy on your soul.”

    • Ripley's Believe It Or Not

      If that was directed at JT’s BS, bravo. If it was directed at Fish’s commentary inbetween, prepare to be banned.

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