Justin Timberlake Apologizes For Homeless Video, Now With Easy-To-Read Translations For The Poor
Now that everyone knows his best friend made a wedding video mocking homeless people he may or may not have paid $40, Justin Timberlake has written an open letter on his website (which has since crashed) apologizing for the video and taking full responsibility for it if full responsibility means immediately using his charity work as a shield while trying to downplay the whole situation with kilt jokes and repeatedly pointing out he had nothing to do with it. He’s very noble.
To my family, friends, and fans:
Dear poor Buttfuck People:
The last time I wrote a letter like this, it was when I had the good fortune of attending a once in a lifetime experience by sharing an evening with some of America’s finest at the Marine Corps Ball about a year ago. I was so moved by that night, I wanted to share it with everyone. Unfortunately, this letter holds a different kind of weight for me.
Remember when I did that shit for the troops? Why you breaking my balls?
Normally, as some of you know, I am (by nature) a pretty private person. So, I don’t really take it upon myself to comment on things that so often go misunderstood or something that has even shed any kind of dark light on what was and will always be one of the most special weeks of my life. But, in light of the recent events, I can’t fight the urge to clarify my thoughts and feelings on what has been a very upsetting portrayal of the people closest to me and myself. It’s not who I am as a professional or as a man.
My publicist owns several firearms and a map to my house.
I can’t help but think of one of the many great life lessons my Grandfather has taught me… He told me when I was younger that “Sometimes, you are confronted with challenges in life that perhaps are not your own. And, when those moments arise, the right thing for a man to do is accept that responsibility, whatever it may be, and face it with honesty and humility.”
So, I’m taking his advice. If for no other reason, than to clear the air so no one has to ever wonder how I feel about it.
Here’s an anecdote that makes me look reverential to my elders while simultaneously pointing out I had nothing to do with this, but I’ll take the blame anyway because, again, guns.
I’d like to start off by saying that I don’t live my life making fun of people (unless, of course, I’m making fun of myself on SNL)… Especially, those who are less fortunate or those in need. I grew up with a family and community that instilled ideals in me like hard work, honesty and empathy. As a matter of fact, growing up in Tennessee, I was always taught that we as people, no matter what your race, sex, or stature may be, are equal. We have a saying there that “Everyone puts their pants on the same way(maybe this saying doesn’t apply to guys who wear kilts. Although, I’m sure they put theirs on the same way too…)”
See? Kilt humor! How can I possibly be a bad guy with these kind of jokes? I already forget what we’re talking about and so should you, girl. Say, is that a new charm bracelet? I like it.
As it pertains to this silly, unsavory video that was made as a joke and not in any way in mockery:
1. I had no knowledge of its existence. I had absolutely ZERO contribution to it.
But if I did, the production values would’ve been way better and had a dance number with Andy Samberg. FACT.
2. My friends are good people. This was clearly a lapse in judgment which I’m sure no one who is reading this is exempt from. But, I don’t believe it was made to be insensitive. More so, I think it was made as a joke on me not having that many friends attending my own wedding(which IS kind of funny if you think about it).
Please feel sorry for me, fuck-ups, the few friends I have are sycophant real estate agents who mock the poor. I mean, tried to mock me not having friends. That stuff.
3. Like many silly rumors that I have been made aware of about the week: It was NOT shown at my wedding.
WRONG AGAIN, CITIZENS OF BUTTFUCK!
4. I think we can all agree that it was distasteful, even though that was not it’s intention.
Once again, in the world that we live in where everyone thinks that they know everything, I want to be very clear… I am NOT defending the video. I agree with the overall consensus. But, to use another “pants” analogy… It seems that these days, misconception gets around the world before the actual truth even wakes up and gets it’s pants on.
I could’ve stopped after “distasteful,” but I never pass up an opportunity to discredit the media in case I get caught banging someone besides Jessica Biel again. Which I will, I’m very handsome.
I want to say that, on behalf of my friends, family, and associative knuckleheads, I am deeply sorry to anyone who was offended by the video. Again, it was something that I was not made aware of. But, I do understand the reaction and, by association, I am holding myself accountable.
I’m calling people who mock the poor “knuckleheads” now because, haha, wasn’t this all just a big misunderstanding? Yes, yes, it was. (Keep eating from my hand, bitches.)
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts. It really is a blessing to be able to speak directly to my true fans so that you can know exactly where I stand.
And by directly I mean through the cold, sterile stare of a computer screen because I’m too busy having anal sex with my new wife.
P.S. You can bet your ass that I’m having my friend do at least 100 hours of community service… Boom.
That was another reference to ass sex. BOOM.