Here’s Justin Bieber‘s rumored new girlfriend, and 18-year-old high school student, Yovanna Ventura (Wow, that kid’s tinier than I thought.) who you can tell is someone very special to him because he let his friends look like they gang-banged her. Although, personally I would’ve liked to see a devout follower of Christ end up with Tati Neves because everyone knows Jesus’ wife was a prostitute, too. It’s right there in the parts of The Bible the Catholic Church won’t let you see. Except fortunately for you I have a passage right here:
“Who’s this?” Jesus responded. “Oh, that’s just my wife. She’s okay. Now where was I? Right, absolute evil.
“So you what want to do to is really make sure this all-powerful ‘church’ doesn’t form because if it does, holy shit, are those people going to fuck some kids. I’m talking right out of the gate, first thing they do, kid-fucking as far as the eye can see. It’s their whole purpose for being.
“And, trust me, I know for a fact. What good would a time-traveling cyborg be without laser eyes and grim predictions of the future? Amirite? I’m right.
“Now let’s fry up some fish then I want everybody to grab the condoms that shoot out of my jetpack. They let you have all the fun of sex, but without the mess of childbirth. Even better are these pills you can take, but I left them in 1878, so next time. Definitely next time. Hey, what’s that cross for?” – Jesustron 18:7-11