VMAS: Justin Bieber Brought A Snake Named Johnson. Really.

August 28th, 2011 // 105 Comments

Because an earthquake on the east coast followed by a hurricane wasn’t a large enough sign of the apocalypse, Justin Bieber essentially proclaimed himself the anti-Maple Christ by arriving to the VMAs tonight wielding a goddamn serpent. On top of that, the snake’s name is Johnson because earlier today someone told Justin it means penis and he giggled until milk came out of his nose. It was cute until he looked around and went, “You know, sometimes I wish I could just shove my penis into whoever I wanted. But this snake’ll do.”

Photos: Getty


  1. stevebeagle

    Rachel Maddow went blonde ?

  2. dontlooknow

    He looks more like a chick every time I see him.

  3. Rose

    He ain’t no Britney Spears!

  4. Cowboy Dude

    You call that a snake. I live in Arizona, and we’ve got 7′ rattlers, that’s a gecko without legs. This guy is such a wimpy baby.

  5. Britney

    That ain’t no snake either.

  6. Justin Bieber VMA Snake
    Commented on this photo:

    Looks like Rachel Maddow

  7. Artie Fatbuckle


  8. kimmykimkim

    Selena and Justine make quite the beautiful lesbian couple.

  9. Ummmm

    To put a nice spin on this, those frames are waaaay too effeminate for a teenage boy. Or a four-year-old boy. Someone needs to hand this kid a mirror and if he’s smart, he’ll fire his stylist at once.

  10. Justin Bieber VMA Snake
    Commented on this photo:

    What a pretentious little fucktard.

  11. Justin Bieber VMA Snake
    Commented on this photo:

    Styled by Kanye West.

  12. Crabby Old Guy

    This little fucker makes Donny Osmond, David Cassidy and Bobby Sherman look butch. And – as a child of the sixties who lived through their collective shit and never thought this day would come – all I can say is, I need more pix of Jennifer Aniston’s naked ass. NOW.

  13. jonesy

    I wish Jake the Snake was there to DDT that motherfucker and then let Damien rape that little garden snake. Light beer drinking little bitch.

  14. JosieBelle

    Didn’t Michael Jackson pull this move with a monkey back in the day?

  15. Tuppy

    Most lesbians own an easily portable johnson, from what I’m told…

  16. Justin Bieber VMA Snake
    Commented on this photo:

    This kid looks like a lesbian almost 90% of the time.

  17. fappuccino

    I could knock this “guy” out with one fart

  18. How much make up can one androgynous Canadian wear?

  19. Aggie

    So he’s been fast tracked to the “Bubbles” stage of fame. At this rate in a few months he’ll be on the doing end of the inappropriate touching.

  20. Sand

    I guess Selena is in for one kinky night with her girlfriend!

  21. General Disarray

    Is this like a remake of that scene in Dusk Til Dawn? Cuz I don’t think Salma Hayek wore that much blush….and I think her snake was bigger.

  22. duder

    Looks like Harry Potter’s practicing his Parselmouth.

  23. Your mom

    “You know, sometimes I wish I could just shove my penis into whoever I wanted. But this snake’ll do.”

    Sighhhhh. I wish he could do that too. I would be FIRST in line. Ooh, yaaah ;)

  24. Justin Bieber VMA Snake Selena Gomez
    Commented on this photo:

    That kid is as gay as the day the long. Period.

  25. Justin Bieber VMA Snake Demi Lovato
    Commented on this photo:

    God Dammnit Beiber! For the last time this is the VMA’s NOT SHOW AND TELL.

  26. Michael

    This Bieber guy makes Mark Harris look like Joe Mangianello.

  27. Greg Suarez

    “Pleasssssssse help me! It issss so dark and ssssscary up in there. And it ssssssmells like Usher.”

  28. Al Bundy

    Damnit Marcy take your chicken legs and cluck, cluck, cluck back home to Jefferson!

  29. Justin Bieber VMA Snake
    Commented on this photo:

    he looks like the model agyness deyn.

    ^^ and yes, styled by kanye west.

  30. Justin Bieber VMA Snake
    Commented on this photo:

    justin is just a kid with more cash flow then we’ll even ever dream of havin….Otherwords:he has stylists..\women(there went his virginity and coke free nose!!sorry mother! F it…Really at th end of the day,who cares….Probably kinda neredy in school maybe?

  31. Justin Bieber VMA Snake
    Commented on this photo:

    Is Bieber slang for a vagina yet?

    By 2013, I want to hear a woman complain that she may have gotten some sand in her Bieber.

  32. Justin Bieber VMA Snake Selena Gomez
    jodi carelse
    Commented on this photo:

    how can justhin be gay if he is going out with selena gomez

  33. Justin Bieber VMA Snake Selena Gomez
    Justin Bieber Luver
    Commented on this photo:

    thats so true…. he cant be gay if he is going out with justin bieber

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