VMAS: Justin Bieber Brought A Snake Named Johnson. Really.

August 28th, 2011 // 105 Comments

Because an earthquake on the east coast followed by a hurricane wasn’t a large enough sign of the apocalypse, Justin Bieber essentially proclaimed himself the anti-Maple Christ by arriving to the VMAs tonight wielding a goddamn serpent. On top of that, the snake’s name is Johnson because earlier today someone told Justin it means penis and he giggled until milk came out of his nose. It was cute until he looked around and went, “You know, sometimes I wish I could just shove my penis into whoever I wanted. But this snake’ll do.”

Photos: Getty


  1. eeo

    He looks like such a girl.

    • slappy

      He looks like a young Ellen Degeneres

    • Dan

      +1 on this… for some reason younger girls like guys who look like girls. And then they grow up and like bad boys. So if you are a normal looking guy you don’t get attention until the women want someone to take care of them and their kids from a previous relationship with some tattooed asshole.

      That is the way of the world.

  2. Justin Bieber VMA Snake Demi Lovato
    Commented on this photo:

    who is that girl?

  3. Justin Bieber VMA Snake Demi Lovato
    Commented on this photo:

    Nice side boob.

  4. browny

    Me look smart now.

  5. DK

    I had forgotten blinged-out lesbians were possible, let alone in fashion. I feel so behind the times. I guess I will have to get my lesbian friend Amber a snake so she stays on the pulse.

  6. Come_Honor_Face

    his head to body ratio is like 40:1

  7. E

    Aren’t snakes really sensitive to sound? So bringing one to a giant public musical event is not just douchey, but also abusive.

    • Doc Schweinstrudel

      Dr. Watson claimed snakes were deaf, that’s why it’s the best animal that could be brought along.

      • Sand

        But they’re sensitive to (ground) vibrations although I don’t know if that’s a problem when held in the air. It’s still a douchey thing to do.

  8. titsonsnack

    Most dudes are banging girls that look more like men than this guy looks.

  9. aznative

    what.the.hell. why??

  10. Tommy

    What the hell are they injecting him with that makes his skin so smooth and flawless? He has the visage of a young, preteen girl. It’s freaky.

  11. Akare

    Seriously, this guy looks more like a girl every day

    • mpath1

      I thought the exact same thing when I saw this photo.

    • kulit

      maybe they’re preparing his legion of fans for his coming out party

    • kimmykimkim

      He really, really does. Last night I said while I watching this, “He looks more and more like a lesbian everyday,” to my girlfriend. We were laughing our fuckin tits off at that outfit. Does he seriously not realize how he looks? Sweet baby Jesus, its just sad…

  12. Great

    This is just what we need. 13 yearold girls carrying around pet snakes. Thank you Justin, The school boards across the globe are gonna thank you for this move

  13. Justin Bieber VMA Snake
    Commented on this photo:

    yep that’s his johnson

  14. Venom

    It is bad enough that he looks like a bitch, but then his girlfriend being like a foot taller than him makes it ten times worse.
    Selena must die a little inside every time she has to kiss or hold hands with Chaz Bono Jr. here.

  15. Justin Bieber VMA Snake Demi Lovato
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    Weird affectation.
    Hope it bites him.

  16. Justin Bieber VMA Snake Selena Gomez
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    How long did he cart the poor little snakelet around?
    I hate the animals as accessories thing. This is further proof Beiber might actually be a chick.

  17. Satan

    He looks like a dyke from the 80′s.

  18. sc4play

    Samuel L. Jackson was overheard saying, “What that white mother f**ker doing wit that damn snake up in here? He a snake handler now? Mother F**ker better not bring that snake up to me! I’ll whip his lily white ass! Him and dat damn snake. Snakes got no business up in here and they sho’ don’t have no business on a plane! Mother F**ker!

  19. Justin Bieber VMA Snake
    Commented on this photo:

    Who is that hot lesbian?

  20. His first choice was to name it Usher’s Penis

  21. grobpilot

    I imagine that snake it tired of having to battle his way out of anus day after day.

  22. Justin Bieber VMA Snake Demi Lovato
    Commented on this photo:

    deeeeeeeeeemi s2

  23. Sin

    Are snakes this decades gerbils for the gays?

  24. Sin

    Then she is a slut. Got any pictures?? :)-

  25. Satan

    Buzzfeed has a pic of this showing him wearing red pants and LEOPARD PRINT SHOES! Haha he’s seriously gay and not doing a very successful job of hiding it.

    Selena Gomez is just covering for him. Once his tween fan base learns/realizes he’s fruity it will end his career.

    This kid is a joke. I don’t know why people like him, he is the biggest tool out there at the moment.

  26. Satan

    The site must not be very successful if you have to spam the link on a celeb tabloid sites.

  27. Justin Bieber VMA Snake
    Commented on this photo:

    One step away from having a pet penis.

  28. Justin Bieber VMA Snake Selena Gomez
    Commented on this photo:

    Selena rarely touches Justin

  29. Nick

    It’s pretty damn cruel and irresponsible to bring a snake to a public event as some kind of retarded fashion accessory. They’re not fucking bracelets. That poor thing isn’t even full grown. What a waste of air this kid is.

  30. TomFrank

    He told Usher, “Let my contract go!” then threw a stick down and it turned into that snake.

  31. Justin Bieber VMA Snake
    Commented on this photo:

    Those glasses are as necessary as that snake.

  32. Tom

    I want to fuck that girl SOOO bad!

  33. Nice Ella-the-secretary glasses dipshit.

  34. forrest gump

    you mean the outbourd engine like Mercury & Evinrude?

  35. Buddy the Elf

    What a fucking douche.

  36. Eye of Newt

    Hipster Bieber? Is that snake suppose to make him ironic?

  37. skeelosta

    overplucked eyebrows much?

  38. Tootles

    Wow hard core toddler this Justin Bieber is. Looks like a douchebag with those glasses.

  39. The Brown Streak

    I bet the suicide hotline has never called by a snake before.

  40. Justin Bieber VMA Snake Demi Lovato
    Commented on this photo:

    just like in every other picture, there’s always a weird, pallid, waxy demony woman saying it with her eye.

  41. Lily

    Snakes will be trendy mañana.

  42. Justin Bieber VMA Snake
    Commented on this photo:

    So this is a gay Harry Potter?

  43. Justin Bieber VMA Snake Demi Lovato
    Commented on this photo:

    He’s not looking at the boobs? This must really be Hillary Swank.

  44. juaquin ingles

    Hahaha what a queer!

  45. Bob

    Rachel Maddow got a face lift!

  46. ReelWorld

    He’s a damn embarassment to Canada. You guys can keep the little idiot down there if you want – we don’t want him back….

  47. Dr Poop

    Isn’t she supposed to be with Mikey and the other Goonies looking for One Eyed Willy’s treasure?

  48. Justin Bieber VMA Snake Demi Lovato
    Doc Schweinstrudel
    Commented on this photo:

    how old is Ms Lovato???

  49. Doc Schweinstrudel

    Is it just me or…He reminds me of that girl from the Color Of the Night movie

    • General Disarray

      Oh take that back. I fapped to her so many times in my youth and now you’re going to scar all of those good memories!

  50. Sam

    Hilary swank was a more convincing dude.

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