Justin Bieber is God’s Gift To The World, But First He Has To Become Michael Jackson

January 10th, 2012 // 59 Comments

Excerpts from Justin Bieber‘s interview with V Magazine have been cropping up online over the past 24 hours, but now it’s been posted in its entirety, and Jesus Christ is this kid going to be the death of us all. I actually sat down and read the whole thing which is basically a three page Q&A on how Justin Bieber really wants to be Michael Jackson because God showed him a future where he rules the entire world. So just assume he’s going to molest future generations into submission. Who knows? Anyway, I posted some choice quotes after the jump, so prepare to find out the secret ingredient in maple syrup is batshit.

On really, really wanting to be Michael Jackson:
I consider Michael Jackson the best. If I could be at his level… But I’ve got a lot of work to do. I’m not saying it’s going to happen within the next three years. But hopefully by the time I’m 30, people will remember me. I think people will remember me at this point, but I don’t want people to just think of me as a teen sensation. Because I could probably just sell out, and then in two years not put out another album, and just become Justin Bieber the teen superstar. But I don’t want to be that. I want to transition, and become the greatest.

On why Michael was the best:
There’re some artists that [parents won’t] let their kids go and see because they think they’re a bad influence. I want to be able to do what Michael did—he always sang clean lyrics—and it was always that little kids loved Michael [Ed. Note: I think he has that backwards. - SW] and grandparents loved Michael. I don’t want to start singing about things like sex, drugs, and swearing. I’m into love, and maybe I’ll get more into making love when I’m older.

On how Justin will surpass Michael because his pops lets him get Jesus tattoos:
Michael had a really bad childhood. I was blessed with a great childhood. My mom loved me. My dad loved me. I’m now a teenager and I don’t feel like I’ve missed out on anything in my life. I’ve gotten to experience everything I possibly could. I don’t look back and think, Ugh, I wish I would have been able to do that. Maybe [Michael] missed out on a lot, so he tried to [re-live] his childhood when he was older. But I’ve got such good people around me, I’m not worried.

On how Kanye is definitely not Michael (This should go over well.):
Well, Kanye is on a different level. I mean, Kanye is probably my favorite producer. He’s a musical genius. But, he’s not on Michael’s level. I think that in order to be on Michael’s level you have to reach as many people as Michael reached, and Kanye doesn’t reach as many people. No one really does.

On how Justin has a direct line to God, so he can sleep in on Sundays:
A lot of people who are religious, I feel like they get lost. They go to church just to go to church. I am not trying to disrespect them at all, you know, whatever works for you; but for me, I focus more on praying and talking to Him. I don’t have to go to church. I haven’t been to church in a long time, but I know I have a relationship with Him. People can be like, “If you don’t go to church, what do you mean, how are you a Christian?” But I am. I talk to Him, and that’s all.

On how he can see the future. Yup, you read that:
When I was little, I did these things: “prophetic words,” which is sort of like fortune-telling, but from God. They said in one of those tapes—when I was really young—that I was going to be the voice of the new generation.

Why do I get the feeling this story ends with Justin Bieber and Tim Bebow having a magic duel on top of a castle after forming separate armies where one believes in drinking unicorn blood to cheat death and the other swears allegiance to Dumbledore? I’m pretty sure that’s all in The Bible.

Photos: V Magazine, Splash News

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  1. catapostrophe

    If he keeps his nose to the grindstone and doesn’t get distracted with the myriad trappings of fame and fortune, he’s destined to become the next Leif Garrett.

    • Randal

      I respect you Justin, for you obviously showed musical talent before you were picked up and pruned to be the young man you are today. But … and there is one …

      I’m sure many will agree – you’re talented, boy, but you’re no smooth criminal.

      Randal

      • BeibersDreamin

        You got THAT right, Randal. But it’s awesome to see that Michael is still the standard by which everyone is compared, even by musicians themselves. What a legacy… gone too soon.

    • KWDragon

      I can’t help but think that you encapsulated his whole future in your comment. Genius! Well played, sir, well played.

    • EricLr

      Agreed. He’s got the raw sex appeal of a young Shaun Cassidy, combined with the willpower and business savvy of a young Danny Bonaduce.

      He’s got a bright future ahead.

    • arnieblackblack

      Leif Garrett! Bloody excellent catastrophe, bloody excellent.

    • CaseWorker

      ROFLMFAO!

  2. Awwww. He’s like a musical Miss America: “My biggest influence is SO AND SO. And also God.”

  3. First and only time you will ever see THAT face in the middle of a V.

  4. Lydia R

    “I want to be able to do what Michael did—he always sang clean lyrics—”

    Did this dumbass not listen to the whole first album of HIStory?! Michael’s cursing in like every song!

    • Umm Justin is not the dumbass…Michael DID NOT curse in every song..there are 30 songs on that CD..and Scream, Tabloid Junkie, and DS are the only one’s he cursed on and the words he used can be heard on every day T.V ( damn) (ass)..yea on Scream he says the F Bomb)…Obviously Lydia u r NOT a MJ fan.

  5. Nattypants

    As long as he doesn’t join forces with Tebow, I’m cool. The moment that happens, we’re all screwed.

  6. Justin Bieber V Magazine
    Kitty
    Commented on this photo:

    so… he’s the anti-christ?

  7. Really?

    I hope he teams up with Tebow, i think the two of them would make a great couple and have fun adopting little Filipino orphans.

  8. I think he’s going to do the opposite of what Michael did and try to turn himself into a black woman so he can marry Usher.

  9. Devo

    Justin’s head shoved in a giant V or his belief that he is the voice of the new generation doesn’t disturb me nearly as much as the list of “musicians” on the cover that are featured for the “Music Issue.” It’s unsettling that in 2012, the best things we have to talk about are washed up 90s acts that sucked in the first place (Marilyn Manson, Britney Spears), “legends” that I’d rather eat my own toenails than listen to their music catalogs (Barbara Streisand, Metallica, Dolly Parton), women whose only musical credentials are sleeping with rock stars (Yoko Ono, Drew Barrymore), and today’s “best and brightest” talents that say all too much about our current musical landscape (Katy Perry, Lady Gaga, Kesha,Drake). Bieber isn’t off base in his belief that he is the voice of this generation. You get what you ask for children.

    Or, all I’m trying to say put far more eloquently: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xRkA6zugNMQ

    • nick

      Well put!

    • Seriously?

      Putting quotes around “legends” and including Dolly Parton in that group shows you’re pretty uninformed. The woman IS a legend. You may not like her, but her body of work is substantial, she’s a talented songwriter, philantropist, and generally decent person.

      Streisand and Metallica can suck it. Streisand because, though she has a good voice, she’s a horrible person. And Metallica because they should have died after And Justice For All, before they sold out.

      • Devo

        Fair enough. Dolly Parton shouldn’t have been lumped in there. I guess none of these people feel terribly timely to me, my main point was that it seems sad that there isn’t fresher, newer, more exciting musicians to be talking about for the 2012 Music Issue. But to Dolly, I apologize.

      • Devo

        And I actually really do like her song “Jolene.”

  10. Mando

    What is he gonna do when he discovers that God had nothing to do with his success?

  11. simplybeingme

    Well bieb you need to simply be you and not try to be anyone but you because there is only (1) michael Jackson and there will only be (1) Michael Jackson. So be Justin Bieber master that and all that you bring to the table which is alot. Be yourself master that and if you do you will earn your place as the Prince of Pop but you nor anyone else will ever be the King of Pop or dethrone him.

  12. Cock Dr

    They always start believing their own press.
    Then they grow old and funny looking, their pixie tits droop and no one gives much of a damn anymore.
    It just can’t happen soon enough to this snotty douchebag.

  13. EricLr

    He’s worried about selling out?

    Kid, no worries. You have to have integrity and talent in the *first place* to sell them out.

    And I’m pretty sure that’s not god you’re talking to. If he had anything to do with your success–that’s satan, not god.

    • The Critical Crassness

      Eric, it is actually his mother talking to him through the baby monitor next to his bed….so in a way you’re right because his mother has been compared to Satan….

  14. The Critical Crassness

    Love the line: “Maybe I’ll get more into sex when I get older.”….Sort of shoots down Fish’s theory that he is banging Selena Gomez and portends the future, where she leaves him for a real man……

  15. Bane

    I’ve got a feeling Michael Jackson would have been all over this kid like ugly on an ape with a Camelback full of Jesus Juice.

    • The Critical Crassness

      I have a feeling that he, McCauley Culkin and the Beiber would have been a fun three-some…throw in Bubbles, the Chimp and what a crazy sleepover that would have been….

  16. Do I really have to go into my “Kanye is not a musical genius” rant again? Actually, Bieber saying that he is may have proved my point.

  17. Dear Jesus and or Santa Claus,

    I want a monkey and a ferris wheel and a little black midget kid that I can carry around on my hip.

    Your pal,

    JB

  18. Venom

    This little motherfucker actually has the balls to think he could be another Michael Jackson, is he fucking serious? He is not even a tenth of what Michael Jackson was at his worst.

  19. Justin Bieber V Magazine
    BbyBluThghHghs
    Commented on this photo:

    I like the lip gloss he has on; pouty yet masculine…perfectly butch.

  20. cc

    What if that was his head in a set of giant garden clippers? What then?

  21. Ummmm

    Fish, you forgot to include the quotes where he refers to himself as “handsome” and “good-looking.”

  22. Jules

    It’s not Bebow…its Tebow!!

  23. Trep

    His line of thinking about wanting to be the next Michael Jackson explains the pic of him hanging out with Sandusky. Since MJ isn’t available, he’s learning the tricks of the trade from the current master.

  24. I Love Fish

    Is that Pedo Bear on the V next to his face??

  25. noonereally

    He said when very young that he’d be the voice of a new generation? He must have been channeling a Pepsi commercial.

  26. gloria

    MJ IS A LEGEND NOT U

  27. Justin Bieber V Magazine
    Ell
    Commented on this photo:

    It’s nice to see that Pedobear hasn’t outgrown him yet.

  28. tumble weed

    could somebody break his nose a few times?

  29. Phillip

    You can’t reach Michael’s level when you have this many people hating you.

  30. I couldnt get past 2 sentences, because of the editors opinions
    shoving it down our throat, we dont want your opinion
    if you gonna read the excerpts do it, just stop putting your opinion and spin into it.

    what happened to neutral editors now a days everybody wants you to think same think as they do.

  31. So sick of losers who STILL cling to gossip and urban legends. The idiot who wrote this review said : “and it was always that little kids loved Michael [Ed. Note: I think he has that backwards. - SW] “. Please educate yourself and read just a few of the 333 page FBI file released 2 years ago. For 18 months the FBI went all over the world where MJ toured trying to find any evidence of abused kids and came back with NOTHING. You don’t get acquitted on 14 counts if the FBI can find a microscopic shred of fact. So can all you sheep who believe the National Enquirer and evil ,Marxist Martin Bashir please get onboard with the truth and stop saying MJ tried to “change his color” when his skin was turning on its own with vitilago and he had a sexual thing for kids. Both are the inventions of sick people.

  32. Em

    He looks like a lesbian woman with short hair. Seriously, I think it’s a girl every time I see this picture.

  33. BieberHater

    I want him gone as fast as possible. Please take care of it… anybody!?

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