Excerpts from Justin Bieber‘s interview with V Magazine have been cropping up online over the past 24 hours, but now it’s been posted in its entirety, and Jesus Christ is this kid going to be the death of us all. I actually sat down and read the whole thing which is basically a three page Q&A on how Justin Bieber really wants to be Michael Jackson because God showed him a future where he rules the entire world. So just assume he’s going to molest future generations into submission. Who knows? Anyway, I posted some choice quotes after the jump, so prepare to find out the secret ingredient in maple syrup is batshit.
On really, really wanting to be Michael Jackson:
I consider Michael Jackson the best. If I could be at his level… But I’ve got a lot of work to do. I’m not saying it’s going to happen within the next three years. But hopefully by the time I’m 30, people will remember me. I think people will remember me at this point, but I don’t want people to just think of me as a teen sensation. Because I could probably just sell out, and then in two years not put out another album, and just become Justin Bieber the teen superstar. But I don’t want to be that. I want to transition, and become the greatest.
On why Michael was the best:
There’re some artists that [parents won’t] let their kids go and see because they think they’re a bad influence. I want to be able to do what Michael did—he always sang clean lyrics—and it was always that little kids loved Michael [Ed. Note: I think he has that backwards. - SW] and grandparents loved Michael. I don’t want to start singing about things like sex, drugs, and swearing. I’m into love, and maybe I’ll get more into making love when I’m older.
On how Justin will surpass Michael because his pops lets him get Jesus tattoos:
Michael had a really bad childhood. I was blessed with a great childhood. My mom loved me. My dad loved me. I’m now a teenager and I don’t feel like I’ve missed out on anything in my life. I’ve gotten to experience everything I possibly could. I don’t look back and think, Ugh, I wish I would have been able to do that. Maybe [Michael] missed out on a lot, so he tried to [re-live] his childhood when he was older. But I’ve got such good people around me, I’m not worried.
On how Kanye is definitely not Michael (This should go over well.):
Well, Kanye is on a different level. I mean, Kanye is probably my favorite producer. He’s a musical genius. But, he’s not on Michael’s level. I think that in order to be on Michael’s level you have to reach as many people as Michael reached, and Kanye doesn’t reach as many people. No one really does.
On how Justin has a direct line to God, so he can sleep in on Sundays:
A lot of people who are religious, I feel like they get lost. They go to church just to go to church. I am not trying to disrespect them at all, you know, whatever works for you; but for me, I focus more on praying and talking to Him. I don’t have to go to church. I haven’t been to church in a long time, but I know I have a relationship with Him. People can be like, “If you don’t go to church, what do you mean, how are you a Christian?” But I am. I talk to Him, and that’s all.
On how he can see the future. Yup, you read that:
When I was little, I did these things: “prophetic words,” which is sort of like fortune-telling, but from God. They said in one of those tapes—when I was really young—that I was going to be the voice of the new generation.
Why do I get the feeling this story ends with Justin Bieber and Tim Bebow having a magic duel on top of a castle after forming separate armies where one believes in drinking unicorn blood to cheat death and the other swears allegiance to Dumbledore? I’m pretty sure that’s all in The Bible.