UPDATE: It’s Justin Bieber Sex Tape Time

October 11th, 2012 // 51 Comments
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During a concert Tuesday night, Justin Bieber allegedly had a laptop and camera stolen from backstage which he decided to tweet his 10 billion followers about and let them all know there’s “personal footage” on it, so if you could maybe not look at that and just give it back, that’d be swell, he apparently thought because he’s Canadian and assuming politeness is his factory setting. Via Gawker:

- sucks when u take personal footage and people dont respect your privacy.
- yesterday during the show me and my tour manager josh had some stuff stolen. really sucks. people should respect other’s property
- i had a lot of personal footage on that computer and camera and that is what bothers me the most. #lame #norespect

Of course, everyone’s immediate reaction is “SELENA GOMEZ SEX TAPE!” when a more tempered response would be “Oh, boy, photos of Usher’s penis dressed like a Pokemon. Hurray?” Because you gotta make molesting fun for the kid, too, right, Jerry? “I’M INNOCENT!” He says right.

UPDATE: So Justin Bieber made the whole thing up to promote his new video with Nicki Minaj which means no Charmanders that oddly look like a black dong. DAMMIT.

Photos: Bauer-Griffin

superficial

  1. cc

    He can’t be that stupid can he…to have recorded an encounter with Selena? Not the Maple Christ!

  2. jd

    I certainly hope so.

  3. I’ve got my tissues and my bottle of Jergen’s aloe vera scented lotion ready. Bring on the Selena Gomez sex tape.

  4. Drundel

    How awesome would it be if it were some footage of him with a dude?

  5. Gary Grant

    Would a money shot by the Maple Christ look like someone is pouring IHOP Maple Syrup on Selena?

  6. Deacon Jones

    Man, she’s…maturing nicely

    I guarantee you that laptop/camera are literally worth their weight in gold right now.

  7. Sliver

    It rubs the syrup on the skin, or it gets the hose again.

  8. Selena Gomez Bikini Justin Bieber
    Techman
    Commented on this photo:

    Must be really slow if you’re pulling out pics that are almost a year old.

  9. mando

    With all that money, you’d think he would wear proper swim trunks.

  10. Reading the title of this post, I instantly realized that “It’s Justin Bieber Sex Tape Time” has the exact same syllables and cadences as “It’s Peanut Butter Jelly Time!!!” So bravo if that was the intention. But if not, yeah, go nuts with that.

    • “Justin Bieber sex tape with a. . .”

      God, I can’t even force myself to type it.

    • It’s Justin Bieber sex tape!
      Justin Bieber sex tape!
      Justin Bieber sex tape with a baseball bat!

      • Holy shit, I read your mind, msctex.

      • Although, if this leads to some sort of,

        “Bieber did it like this,
        Bieber did it like that,
        Bieber did it with a whiffle ball bat”

        meme, it would be hard to argue.

      • Fuck you both, now PB&J and whiffleball are now forever tainted by association. It’s bad enough now that the mere mention of Mrs. Butterworth’s now triggers my gag reflex, would it really have killed you to go after brussels sprouts and lacrosse instead?

      • USDA Prime McBeef

        Brussel sprouts roasted with a bit of balsamic is fantastic. But yeah, lacrosse can fuck right off.

      • USDA Prime McBeef

        oh, you need some EVOO in there too.

      • I’d ask about the Mrs. Butterworth thing, but then I think maybe I’m better off not knowing.

      • Think about what Fish always calls him.

      • Oh. Eh. That could be any brand of syrup. And Mrs. Butterworth’s is American-made.

      • You hoser, TomFrank. I grew up in NE, so like most typical flatlanders we only had Log Cabin syrup. As a result I have no fucking clue what Canadian syrup offerings are, outside of Celine Dion. And ‘sides, Mrs. Butterworth’s sounded funnier.

      • I’m from Texas, and I love me some Log Cabin. But you’re in New England, for God’s sake. Don’t you people only have to go stick a fork in a tree?

      • I’m gonna have to remember that one. The old joke is that tapping a sugar maple is just like a political election – you have to wait until the sap starts to run.

      • I was under the impression that “NE” meant Nebraska.

        Also, now that I think about it, there’s nothing “maple” about Mrs. Butterworth’s. The labels refer to it as “buttered syrup.” So you should be able to tap that woman’s ass to get your syrup in peace.

      • Abadia

        I have seen lots of anti-global warming vodeis (either by or supporting leading authorities in this area (even people high up in greenpeace dont support human-caused global warming)) and if you go back millions of years we are actually a lot colder than the earth has been, the temperature tends to go Warm, then Ice Age, than warm then ice age (note these changes happen over many years). Al Gore is just trying to get votes by pretending to care.

  11. Troll's Nighmare

    This is a national security issue. Terrorists may try to use this tape to shock the nation. No one should see the Bieber in the throws of passion… OK, during premature ejaculation, whether Selena is in it or not.

  12. El Jefe

    Yes to Selena Gomez nude, no to him being anywhere in any footage with her.

  13. rantatonne

    “-sucks when u take personal footage and people dont respect your privacy.”

    If twitter didn’t have that pesky 140 character limit I am sure he would have added ‘but i kind of expected this since I continue to choose to be a public figure #LUVINIT!. By selling my life I not only continue to receive absurd amounts of money and privilege,#MO$MOPRBs #TheLIFEchoseME, I am counting on the fact that I have so successfully encouraged so many people to want to know more details about myself than they do their closest friends, they will now save me from the exposure of whatever is on that laptop (definitely not Usher’s penis dressed as a #pokemon, since everyone knows he likes #digimon)’

  14. Selena Gomez Bikini Justin Bieber
    123456
    Commented on this photo:

    I got more hair up my nose than he’s got all over.

  15. Selena Gomez Bikini Justin Bieber
    dhadd
    Commented on this photo:

    This kid is just an idiot who hasn’t heard the word “sentimental” before

  16. Selena Gomez Bikini Justin Bieber
    Bionic_Crouton
    Commented on this photo:

    If there is a Bieber sex tape, please tell me he was just the cameraman and not a participant.

  17. Viviana

    Bieber, con la fama y la plata que tienes… puedes hacer de todo, vive tu vida y éxito al máximo!”"

  18. Selena Gomez Bikini Justin Bieber
    BorrisMorris
    Commented on this photo:

    No babe, don’t throw that rag out. I er… promised to keep it for Usher. He’s happy to do all my washing!

  19. Selena Gomez Bikini Justin Bieber
    12345678910
    Commented on this photo:

    I think u look smoking hot JB

  20. Rachel

    I like how some people are getting all excited expecting that it’s with Selena, or even another dude. My bet is that it’s him with like a stuffed animal or something. OR he has a cardboard cut out of himself that was just to sexy to resist.

  21. Chris

    He’s doing anything to stay away from the inevitable “Coming Out” announcement … Which is in about another year.

    • Dwi

      I could write a book about my views on global waimnrg, but I wont. Instead, I would like to note that Al Gore isn92t trying to become president85. haha. Whoever read that obviously isn92t following presidential politics in the least. I just can92t stand when people blow up about something that they are completely uneducated about.

  22. Lee

    Didn’t buy this. Your balls have to drop before you can make a sex tape.

  23. kim

    I LOVE YOU JUSTIN BIEBER YOU SO MUCH. YOU DONT NEED FUCKING SELENA GOMZ

  24. lol

    Fuck u beiber u suck my dick 24/7 so get a life homo and selina get a better guy who actually has a dick haha get some non celeb evrryomesm better then beiber plus myles cirus backing hima up on the cutting shit so ya get a guy who won’t cheat on u and gain
    FUCK U BEIBER I chouldnt say ur name even

  25. Selena Gomez Bikini Justin Bieber
    papastryfe
    Commented on this photo:

    This absorbs maple-semen way better than Sham-Wow!

  26. Selena Gomez Bikini Justin Bieber
    King Doosher
    Commented on this photo:

    And then nobody gave a shit, and then what?

  27. Selena Gomez Bikini Justin Bieber
    Commented on this photo:

    “It’s feeding time Justin here’s your bib “

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