“Dudda dudda dudda Ol’ Dirty Bastard.”
*gets neck snapped by black bodyguard*
Seth Rogen spent the better part of the week (understandably) shitting on Justin Bieber who apparently acted exactly like Justin Bieber while meeting him backstage at two different events. And because anyone over the age of 14 also wants to see this kid get cancer in the face and die, Seth Rogen’s rants went viral to the point that Justin Bieber had no choice but to respond to them. Which he did while also trying to make Seth Rogen look like the egomaniacal shithead and spelling his name wrong:
Seth Rogan sorry I didnt bow down when I asked 2 meet u was probably a bit shy and didn’t want to be over the top but still. love ur movies.
Privately, however, Justin Bieber sent the following correspondence to Seth Rogen which The Superficial has obtained exclusively thanks to our unfettered access to NSA data because we agreed to support the “official” Sandy Hook story. *high fives Obama over a pentagram fountain of blood* So here’s that:
FROM THE DESK OF #BBARE (WHERE I FUCKED YOUR MOM):
Webster’s Dictionary defines racism as the belief that some races of people are better than others.
That’s what you did to me, Seth Rogen. You racismed me.
I know this isn’t easy to hear in your Hollywood circle of sycophants and yes men who’ll never tell you when you’re spiraling out of control, but this poor black kid from the cold, hard streets of Stratford, Ontario wants you to know what you did to him.
There I was in Germany. My black skin in a country that already proved its penchant for racial superiority already made me nervous and on edge. I could’ve easily slipped back to my trailer and sipped a cold delicious 40 ounce beverage off a model’s backside, the aroma of Swisher Sweets filling the air. But I didn’t, Seth Rogen. I didn’t because I wanted to meet the nigga who wrote Pineapple Express. I don’t know if you know this because your sensitivity to race relations seems to be lacking, but black people like myself love getting high. We can’t get enough of it. So to see a comedy that so humorously, and tenderly, touched a subject near and dear to my Afro-heritage was more than enough to overcome my anxiety and meet such a prolific writer such as yourself.
But then you Hollywooded me, Seth Rogen. You were indifferent to our meeting, and to this day the sting of that leaves me lying awake at night holding two gats across my chest. But you know what? I gave you a second chance. And that second chance was at the MTV Video Music Awards where, me, just a kid with a snake to make him forget the oppression of The Man wanted to give his fellow Canadian another chance because surely you knew what it was like to escape that godforsaken country where bullets fly on every corner. People wonder why we have free healthcare. There’s your answer.
But you Hollywooded me again, Seth Rogen. Would it have been so hard to look past your racial prejudices and the perceived superiority of your white skin to say to another human being, “Hey, that’s a dope snake. May I touch it?” As cold and unyielding was the master’s whip to my people’s back, so were your actions.
In the immortal words of Lawrence Fishburne, “The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy My brothers. And you will know My name is the Lord when I lay My vengeance upon thee.”
Yes, you deserve to die. And I hope you burn in hell.
Justin “Bizzle” Bieber,
Human Being / Hip-Hop Recording Artist / Pussy Magnate