Justin Bieber To Dads: ‘Better Your Daughter Screams My Name Than Bang The Dude Next Door’

December 9th, 2011 // 43 Comments

Seen here trying to lodge another Maple Baby inside Selena Gomez in front of an entire wedding party (They also do bar mitzvahs.), Justin Bieber apparently made a promotional video for his fragrance Someday where he basically encourages dads to let their daughters stay at home masturbating to his photos or else they’ll end up banging the degenerate next door. No, really. Via Starpulse:

“Hey Dad, it’s Justin, your daughter wanted us to chat. I feel like we got off on the wrong foot, I mean I get it, I’m a huge mega star, I got a full head of hair…
“But it could be a lot worse. Think about it. Guys her age… Well, remember when you were her age? Yeah, exactly… I’m a great distraction. She won’t even think about him and someday you might even thank me.
“So next time you hear her scream my name, relax. It’s better than hearing her scream ‘Joey’ who lives next door. Am I right?”

Of course, that all sounds well and good until you realize fantasizing about Justin Bieber is a gateway drug to joining a tween murder army, so you really have to ask yourself: Would you prefer your daughter to be on an FBI watch list for attempting to replace Selena Gomez’s uterus with a Polly Pocket playset or getting diddled by the shithead next door with the earring? I’m genuinely asking because this one looks like a coin toss to me. “Alright, heads, you can murder a Disney channel star. Tails, we put you on the pill and let Joey come over, so just between you and daddy, I’m rooting for heads. Here we go!” (God, I’m gonna be a great parent.)

Photo: Flynet

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  1. Justin Bieber Selena Gomez Wedding
    chels
    Commented on this photo:

    Those pants. I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.

  2. Yagiska

    I don’t even have a daughter and I want to break his face. Of course, that was true before I read this.

  3. Justin Bieber Selena Gomez Wedding
    Kitty
    Commented on this photo:

    OMG what the ‘F” is wrong with his pants!

  4. Justin Bieber Selena Gomez Wedding
    Contusion
    Commented on this photo:

    I haven’t seen anyone look this uncomfortable since they wheeled Hannibal Lechter in on that dolly.

  5. Bringbackbabalu

    The sad thing about it is, like Backstreet Boys or any other talentless fad boy performer, the only girls that listen and are obsessed are the mostly the ugly, nerdy ones that would be lucky if they could get laid. I guess maplechrist just doesn’t want his fans to get laid, good news is in like 3 years we will never hear of this tool again till 20 years from now when we see him, Britney, Childbride 1.0, Christina and all of them on where are they now…then we will see some thing about lohan and how she died a drug addict slut, like Winehouse and who knows how many more. And then Paris Hilton will probably still be better than all of you, and hot and look the same, and people will still act like 4 year olds and say she is diseased. And this shitty site will probably still be making political statements with the intelligence of an autistic ewok (ya I’m talkin to you, Fish, you slant eyed little munchkin!)

  6. Bringbackbabalu

    ps- She is way to good for this douche, but then she is just using him for free press. I wonder if she even puts out…

    • meh

      Munchkin! WTf lol and yeah, bieber is her meal ticket, a girl as hot as that would never look at him twice if he didn’t have the money.

  7. Swearin

    Satan has got to be his publicist, right? That’s all I can take away from this

  8. Justin Bieber Selena Gomez Wedding
    Mike
    Commented on this photo:

    Looks like an awkward homecoming or something

  9. Justin Bieber Selena Gomez Wedding
    Mike
    Commented on this photo:

    GOOD GOD WHAT IS THAT THING

  10. Justin Bieber Selena Gomez Wedding
    Mike
    Commented on this photo:

    Yep, definitely an awkward homecoming

  11. Justin Bieber Selena Gomez Wedding
    Mike
    Commented on this photo:

    Boy, he sure is growing up to be an awkward looking man-child

  12. Justin Bieber Selena Gomez Wedding
    Mike
    Commented on this photo:

    Well Justin, think twice before marrying this one. Fast forward 15 years Selena on the right

  13. Venom

    That was one of the creepiest things I have ever seen in my life. Not even remotely funny at all, just awkward silence creepy.

  14. Justin Bieber Selena Gomez Wedding
    meh
    Commented on this photo:

    Hanging his pants that low means he wants to be fucked up the ass by usher again.

  15. forrest gump

    HE IS USING SEVERAL DILDO’S, folks?

  16. AA

    He is so full of shit.

  17. Justin Bieber Selena Gomez Wedding
    baloo
    Commented on this photo:

    what the heck are his pants doing?

  18. Justin Bieber Selena Gomez Wedding
    baloo
    Commented on this photo:

    it makes it easier to bone her.

  19. Justin Bieber Selena Gomez Wedding
    baloo
    Commented on this photo:

    he’s the most retarded kid on earth. well not the most retarded since those who like him have GOT to be more retarded.

  20. AK

    Of all the funny things you write on this site, the running Maple jokes just aren’t funny. Try a new angle.

    • killerkyle

      the maple jokes are possibly some of the best. i think it’s original and a great piece! keep’em coming

  21. Marla

    I wonder if he knows that in prison, if you wear your pants that way it means you are “available for a relationship”. I wonder if any of the “saggers” know that. If they did, I am sure they would pull their pants up!! Just sayin’…… Any intelligence he has is quickly deminished when you see his A$$ hanging out of his britches……

  22. Justin Bieber Selena Gomez Wedding
    Nostalgia
    Commented on this photo:

    Woa, that guy on the right looks like Jesse James…..

  23. Justin Bieber Selena Gomez Wedding
    scary 69
    Commented on this photo:

    i can see her flower,i wish i could lick her flower

  24. killerkyle

    this was a well written piece.

  25. Justin Bieber Selena Gomez Wedding
    jc
    Commented on this photo:

    This close-mouthed kiss doesn’t look real….nobody their ages kisses passionately with closed mouths….this is the biggest evidence that their relationship is fake……this looks like a screen kiss from those movies in the 30′s and 40′s….

  26. Justin Bieber Selena Gomez Wedding
    Alex
    Commented on this photo:

    Run, little half mexican girl, that thing is going to eat ya!

  27. Justin Bieber Selena Gomez Wedding
    rachel
    Commented on this photo:

    ya are such a great couple

  28. Justin Bieber Selena Gomez Wedding
    Peter Wood
    Commented on this photo:

    The Bieber with a girl. That is just so wrong.

  29. Justin Bieber Selena Gomez Wedding
    Marc
    Commented on this photo:

    Have you seen Justin’s parents? They may be worse.

  30. Justin Bieber Selena Gomez Wedding
    rl
    Commented on this photo:

    yea tell me about it

  31. Justin Bieber Selena Gomez Wedding
    aj*smile
    Commented on this photo:

    At a wedding the least Justin can do is keep his pants pulled up!

  32. Justin Bieber Selena Gomez Wedding
    just saying
    Commented on this photo:

    Love her dress

  33. Justin Bieber Selena Gomez Wedding
    Pants...
    Commented on this photo:

    Full a** hanging out at a wedding, just rude…

  34. Justin Bieber Selena Gomez Wedding
    Jim
    Commented on this photo:

    Anyone else notice how freakily bent her arm is?

  35. Justin Bieber Selena Gomez Wedding
    kk
    Commented on this photo:

    aww so cute! wat a good couple!

  36. Justin Bieber Selena Gomez Wedding
    Mic
    Commented on this photo:

    Please pull up his pants. Kinda disrespectful at a wedding, even a casual one.

  37. did all yall here that witney husten died and selena g. and justin b. go caught having sex

  38. justins punk ass
    is cheating on selena

  39. Justin Bieber Selena Gomez Wedding
    angela payne
    Commented on this photo:

    you to are made for each other

  40. Justin Bieber Selena Gomez Wedding
    joejoe
    Commented on this photo:

    justin dang it ur so lucky i would love to been in ur shoes that day shes bangin toned and tan 100% winner

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