Seen here trying to lodge another Maple Baby inside Selena Gomez in front of an entire wedding party (They also do bar mitzvahs.), Justin Bieber apparently made a promotional video for his fragrance Someday where he basically encourages dads to let their daughters stay at home masturbating to his photos or else they’ll end up banging the degenerate next door. No, really. Via Starpulse:
“Hey Dad, it’s Justin, your daughter wanted us to chat. I feel like we got off on the wrong foot, I mean I get it, I’m a huge mega star, I got a full head of hair…
“But it could be a lot worse. Think about it. Guys her age… Well, remember when you were her age? Yeah, exactly… I’m a great distraction. She won’t even think about him and someday you might even thank me.
“So next time you hear her scream my name, relax. It’s better than hearing her scream ‘Joey’ who lives next door. Am I right?”
Of course, that all sounds well and good until you realize fantasizing about Justin Bieber is a gateway drug to joining a tween murder army, so you really have to ask yourself: Would you prefer your daughter to be on an FBI watch list for attempting to replace Selena Gomez’s uterus with a Polly Pocket playset or getting diddled by the shithead next door with the earring? I’m genuinely asking because this one looks like a coin toss to me. “Alright, heads, you can murder a Disney channel star. Tails, we put you on the pill and let Joey come over, so just between you and daddy, I’m rooting for heads. Here we go!” (God, I’m gonna be a great parent.)