Selena Gomez Might Snitch On The Most Sizzup Drinkin’, Dick Textin’, Snow Pissin’ Wild Kid Eva

January 21st, 2014 // 19 Comments
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When Selena Gomez got back together with Justin Bieber, she knew she was going back to a world of sizzurp, romantical dick texts, and unbridled ballerism. It was a risk she was willing to take for love, but that was before the eggs. None y’all said nothing ’bout no eggs. Radar reports: has exclusively learned that Bieber’s on-again, off-again girlfriend Selena Gomez was at the 19-year-old’s Calabasas, Calif., home on the night in question when he allegedly hurled eggs at a neighbors’ property, causing more than $20,000 in damage.
Gomez, 21, had attended a party at Bieber’s home with a group of pals, a source close to the situation has confirmed.
She had romantically reunited with the “Baby” hit-maker days earlier, having been photographed riding on Segways in his exclusive neighborhood.
It’s understood Gomez hasn’t spoken to investigators about the incident — she left before cops arrived on the scene that night — and it’s not even known if investigators are even aware that she was at the home.

And now comes the time in every girl’s life where she has to choose between her gangsta and doing what’s right. If she don’t say nuttin’, she’ll spend the rest of her life wondering if dis is da night her soulja’s gonna get yolked. But if she rats him out, there goes the greatest love she’d ever known. And, damn, if that love weren’t sweet:

The leaked texts begin innocently enough:
“Baby come on. I love you,” says Maybe Bieber.
“I don’t buy that bullshit anymore,” Maybe Gomez responds. “I was honest with you and I gave you a second chance. All my friends were right, You’re such an a**hole.”
Dejected Maybe Bieber doesn’t give up: “You’re all I need right now. I know I can make it right with you.”
“U r a drug addict,” she counters. “U need help.”
Then Maybe Bieber goes for the kill:
“Come on. Don’t tell me you don’t miss this,” the text says next to a picture of an erect penis. (RadarOnline notes that Bieber is left-handed, and the person in the photo “grabs his genitals with his left hand.” Case closed.)

As wise Benjamin Franklin once said to Abe Lincoln in one of them wars with the powdered wigs and shit, “The heart wants what the heart wants, jigga. The heart wants what the heart wants.”

Photo: Getty, Splash News


  1. JC

    I’d like to think that, “All my friends were right, You’re such an asshole” is just shorthand for, “All my friends, family, pets, prominent 21st-century thinkers, pundits, drunken hobos, and fledgling artificial intelligences were right…”

  2. Mohawk Disco

    By “picture of an erect penis” they mean a picture of Bieber standing, right?

  3. Hugh G. Rection

    He sent a picture of his erect penis? All three inches?

  4. I don’t buy that those texts are real. Too many you’s, not enough U’s. The kids don’t text that formally.

  5. lawn

    How do you do $20,000 worth of damage with eggs?

    • Mohawk Disco

      First, you get 20 grand in hundred dollar bills. Then you buy two-three carton of eggs and some glue. You glue as many bills to each egg as possible, find a target, and throw them away.

    • JimBB

      Throw them at a $2 billion house.

  6. JimBB

    She’s just using him for the maple syrup.

  7. I’m right handed but jerk off exclusively left handed. I would also left hand cock grab and go with the dominant hand to work the camera.

  8. j-sin

    Ride or die, bitch!

  9. Selena Gomez Cleavage KIIS FM Jingle Ball
    The Dude
    Commented on this photo:

    Hurray for choreographed chair sitting and hand movements.

  10. I would be severely disappointed if Justin doesn’t have some nude pics of Selena spread eagle. What kind of asshole boyfriend are you?

  11. cc

    ‘“Come on. Don’t tell me you don’t miss this,” the text says next to a picture of an erect penis.’

    Geez, I wish they’d had texting in my formative years. Just think of the relationships I could have salvaged.

  12. kery

    An erect penis mmm It sounds interesting…

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