Justin #Bbare: World’s Most Elephant Shakesbeard

‘Fore we even get started up here, let the platinum records show that my boy B-Bare is the stone cold, numba one pussy slayer. Bitches be gettin’ wet just thinkin’ ’bout him, and he be wettin’ them bitches just thinkin’ ’bout them. It’s a wizardry y’all don’t know nothin’ bout which is why it’s a mothafuckin’ HONOR that he wants to give Selena Gomez another chance to get her titties slathered with his maple sizzurp. My boy, the smoothest Don Jon Delillio, has busted out some beautiful words of such romance, mothafuckas on the street will speak of dem fo’eva in hush puppy tones. “Lil Romeo and Julielakeeshaette,” will be the whispers ricochetin’ out da ghetto where B-Bare rains supreme as its darkest king. Break it off, Syrupnose De Burger-rack:

Most elegant princess in the world.

Oh. OH SNAP. Now you know Selena Gomez just stopped dat ass in her tracks. She be puttin’ her hand up on the wall, all out of breath and shit, saying things like, “Girl, ya gotta get in here and mop up my pussy. My pussy’s a mothafuckin’ tidal wave. Little kids be drownin’ if we don’t be doing something ’bout my pussy quick.” My boy called her a princess. PRINCE. ESS. How you gonna not let him ride up your magic carpet? Up where day walk. Up where day run. Up where day play all day in the sun! Wanderin’ free, B-Bare just wishes he could be… all up in dat swiirrrrll. #MICDROP

Photo: Fame/Flynet, Getty, WENN