Aww, Justin Bieber’s First Paternity Suit

November 2nd, 2011 // 90 Comments

“Look, ma! I didn’t use my hands!”

When Justin Bieber‘s mom sat him down and explained to him how an invisible maple syrup manifestation of God himself mysteriously impregnated her – and made her pancakes more delicious – she should’ve immediately followed that conversation up with, “Oh, by the way, I hope you like paternity suits.” Which brings us to this morning where Star (via RadarOnline) is touting the story of Mariah Yeater, a 20-year-old California woman who’s claiming Justin is the father of her three-month-old son. The report broke last night, and Justin’s legal team immediately denied the claims along with announcing their plans to maple-sue some cocks off. But for your amusement, here’s a What If? scenario that presupposes Justin turns into Dustin Rapieber at the first sign of vagina:

Mariah claims in her lawsuit, which was filed in a California court on October 31: “After waiting for a short period of time with several young women, Justin Bieber appeared and engaged me in conversation.
“Immediately, it was obvious that we were mutually attracted to one another, and we began to kiss. Shortly thereafter, Justin Bieber suggested that I go with him to a private place where we could be alone.
“I agreed to go with him and on the walk to a private area, he told me he wanted to make love to me and this was going to be his first time.
Mariah also told the court: “After walking away from the other people backstage, Justin Bieber found a place where we could be alone — a bathroom.
“We went inside and immediately his personality changed drastically. He began touching me and repeatedly said he wanted to f*ck the sh*t out of me. At the time I asked him to put a condom for protection, but he insisted that he did not want to.
“In his own words, he said that because it was his first time he wanted to feel everything.”
Justin then “quickly took off my clothes,” she said — and the pair had sex.
Bieber’s reps strenuously deny the woman’s claims, but Yeater wrote in her court declaration: “He was on top of me with my legs around him. At the time I was on top of some type of shelf. The sexual intercourse itself was brief, lasting only approximately 30 seconds.

Don’t get me wrong. I absolutely want this story to be true because I secretly believe Justin Bieber is the Anti-Maple spoken of in Butterworthlations, but if you’re going backstage to let a child pop-star bang you within five minutes of meeting him, I guarantee you didn’t go, “Hey, use a condom.” That’s the first hole in this story. The second? Justin Bieber can’t swear. He’s like Superman with telling lies.

“For his mouth shall remain clean of all blasphemy while his pops lock fresh and his voice forever that of an angel child, unencumbered by the descension of testicles.” – Psalm of Log Cabin Syrup, 14:3.

Photos: Bauer-Griffin, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

superficial

  1. cc

    If true, this would be one of THE BEST scandals of 2011. Imagine the maple christ’s mother…and Selena…and his manager, producer, etc.

    And let’s not forget Usher’s utter dismay.

  2. Randal

    Justin doesn’t have enough maple syrup in him yet to generate a wet spot, so how could he ever get someone pregnant?

    Randal

  3. woot

    hahahaha! first!

  4. woot

    damnit..

    • TomFrank

      Nine times out of ten, the idiot who posts “first!” is not, in fact, first. If this isn’t codified in some sort of Internet meme, it should be.

      I propose Columbus’s Probability: Those who think they are first to comment are usually not.

  5. SisterRay

    Please let this be true. Please. I will never stop laughing.

    • Common Sense

      I know better because when you have 2 boys doing it, neither can get knocked up, and that’s all he’s ever done! He probably doesn’t have testicles, yet, at his immature rate…

      Him “doing it” with a girl is like OBAMA successfully got us out of debt. Ho ho ho!!!

  6. KatMadMom

    Ohhhh I hope this is true, it would be so freaking funny! Of course you will have to put the woman and child under protective custody so the Beliebers don’t get a hold of them!

  7. billybragg

    30 seconds! HAHAHAHA

  8. Oracle of Truth

    So she went backstage and had sex with a minor? I don’t think she thought thru this plan fully.

    • TomFrank

      I checked, and it’s just a misdemeanor in California for a 19-year-old to bang a 16-year-old. She’d have to pay a fine of five or ten thousand dollars (based on the exact age difference), which is chicken feed amidst the millions she thinks she stands to gain if she pulls this (bullshit) suit off. Well played, our latest skank teen mom!

  9. D-chi

    So…. it was his first time and he wanted to do the deed with a stranger in a bathroom?
    I expect that from other people. Not from you, Biebz. Not from you.

  10. TomFrank

    Oh, yeah, this sounds like a virgin all right. “This is going to be my first time…I want to fuck the shit out of you,” then tears off all her clothing and bangs her on top of some kind of shelf in a toilet. Plus, Justin has the body strength and power required to pull off this sort of shelf-fucking effortlessly. Oh, yeah.

    • kimmykimkim

      I think this girl is writing some erotic novel or something because this just sounds ridiculous. She fucking wishes. The part about him getting off in 30 seconds is probably 100% accurate though. But that’s how it works for all 17 year old boys which everybody knows. So yeah, I’m calling bullshit on this. Even though its hilarious. And her name is Mariah which we all know is reserved for crazies.

  11. F-in vampires

  12. Alex

    “He said he wanted to fu** the sh** out of me”… Yeah. Sure.
    If it it true… 30 seconds? Really? Sad.

    • ?

      That shoe seems to fit to me. A teenage boy wanting to fuck the shit out of a vagina and it being over in 30 ticks….

      It all sounds very reasonable to me.

      • cc

        The good thing about being that age though is that, in another minute or two, you’d be hard again.

      • EmmaWatson's Vagina

        it does, but giving the circumstances on who it is and where it was located. normally these girls are screened at concerts. as to avoid situations like this. if this was a girl working at the place like a back stagehand,make-up artist,etc. then i would believe it.

  13. KWDragon

    Sounds like he was practicing some new phrases from his swagger coach. You know, you can’t be taken seriously as a hip-hop artist until you have a slew of baby mamas behind you. Our widdle man is growing up so fast!

  14. VV

    This is the tale of a girl’s Bieber ‘fanfiction’ getting good feedback from some forum of retards and her running the f@ck away with it.

  15. ?

    I think the Biebster’s just surpassed Usher.

    I wonder if Selena regrets the abortion/miscarriage.

    I love the title of Fish’s write up, “….First Paternity Suit”…hahaha…I see what you did there-VERY GOOD!

  16. rough the pollster

    Excellent, if this isn’t true she may single handedly end reality TV by being a member in Writers Guild of America. The only problem is W.G.A. might be judgmental.

  17. VV

    Link to pictures of this baby-mama…. I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t have had his cherry popped by someone who’s clearly got 50 pounds on him.
    http://www.edge.ca/Blogs/Todd/BlogEntry.aspx?BlogEntryID=10308714

    • Jack Ketch

      Jesus, you can tell at a glance the girl has mental issues, big-time. Can’t wait for this to blow up in her face.

  18. Beefarino

    Two questions:

    Does the girl look anything like Selena Gomez?

    Did he do her with Usher’s cock?

  19. Doctor Joystick

    Syrup’s a helluva drug.

  20. Darth Usher

    NNNOOOOOOoooOOOOoooOOOOoooOOOOOOooooooOOOOOoooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  21. Always nice

    Justin needs to learn to keep is widdle beiber in his pants

  22. The Critical Crassness

    If I were given to long conversations of a prayerful nature with the Almighty Creator Unit Above….I would be praying like a son of a bitch that this is not only true but that when it is proven to be true, Selena gets her Latina temper up and cuts that boy real low, thereby making ultimately unattractive to both women and his gay buddies like Usher……
    Selena: Momma that Canadian fruit I have been dating got some skank pregnant. What should I do?
    Mandy: Give him a sex change ala cleaver!

  23. Justin Bieber Paternity Suit
    Raoul
    Commented on this photo:

    “Don’t cry for me, Albertaaaa”

  24. LJ

    So some 20 year old made up a story about Justine Bieber to her parents to cover up her pregnancy by her high school drop out, tattooed boyfriend, and now her parents want to cash in on the deal.

    • TomFrank

      Yeah, I was thinking this, too. “Let’s see, when did we have sex…the night of the Justin Bieber concert! Ohmigod, that’s perfect!! All right, so here’s what we say…”

  25. never mind the maple-prematurejaculator, there’s a hot selena gomez upskirt that just hit the wire ~

  26. lolz

    His balls haven’t even dropped yet. wtf?!

  27. whiskeyafternoon

    I thought Bieber’s body produced eggs, not semen. An odd thing, this story.

  28. Buddy the Elf

    Defense Attorney:
    “Dont you have to have sex to get a woman pregnant?”

    Prosecutor:
    “Yeah, with a woman”

    Judge:
    “Case dismissed.”

  29. Jake

    When asked for a comment, Selena had this to say, “I know in my heart that this cannot be true. No way Justin has that kind of stamina. 30 seconds is like 20 seconds longer than he’s ever gone, and that includes the nights he’s on smack”.

  30. anon

    Why counter sue? It’s called a DNA test. If he’s really not the father and KNOWS IT than it’s an easy resolution. NEGATIVE RESULT…done. Move on. Maybe he’s not sure. He doth protest too much?

    • TomFrank

      If she’s lying, the countersuit is to penalize this liar for slandering him with her lies, and prevent other potential liar-skanks from bringing their own suits full of lies.

  31. Frank Burns

    Assembled crowds below the balcony: “Bless us Maple Christ, bless us!!”
    Beiber: “Hey everyone, this is how many seconds I last at sex!” (holds up both hands to signify ’10′)
    Assembled crowds: “Hahaha!”
    Beiber: “Blasphemers! Sinners! I cast thee out! No more shall I sing for thee!”
    Assembled crowds: “Hahaha! 10 seconds!”
    Beiber: “Darn it!”

  32. Miss Moppet

    If it’s true, than she’s technically committed a crime hasn’t she? Wouldn’t that have made him 16 to her being 19? Even if she wins, she loses because I’m sure his maple christ lawyers will nail her to the wall with it.

  33. Venom

    First watching the Kardashian empire imploding and now this little douchebag’s life might be over too, this is just an awesome week.
    As serious as they seem to be taking this, it just might be true.

    On a positive note for Bieber, maybe people will stop calling him gay now.

    • ZigZagZoey

      I agree, imagine the pure joy of getting rid of Kim K and JB in the same week? Priceless.
      He did NOT deny it in his stupid tweet!
      Hey, let’s make it 3 fer, somebody get close enough to rip Beyonce’s fake belly out of her shirt and stuff it down her throat.

    • Schmidtler

      nah, I’m going to keep calling Bieber gay until he outs himself. it’s not the gay that bothers me, it’s the phoney b.s. act of pretending to be straight.

  34. Lo~Gen

    WAIT… if this is true she just set herself up for statutory rape!

  35. By “paternity” you mean some guy went to pick him at the day care claiming to be his father, right?

  36. Justin Bieber Paternity Suit
    Willie Dixon
    Commented on this photo:

    “Alle die Syrup Furor! Siehe, das Maple Reich!”

  37. Justin Bieber Paternity Suit
    Willie Dixon
    Commented on this photo:

    “Siehe, der Reichtum der Maple Reich der Menschen bieten können!”

  38. DeucePickle

    “maple-sue some cocks off” – Awesome !

  39. Justin Bieber Paternity Suit
    Willie Dixon
    Commented on this photo:

    “Heute bin ich eine Waffel!”

  40. forrest gump

    pssst: HE EXPERIENCED AN ORGASME FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HIS LIFE.
    to be honest, IT WAS THE BOY FROM HIDE & SEEK WHO DID IT.

  41. Justin Bieber Paternity Suit
    Willie Dixon
    Commented on this photo:

    “Als Ihr Furor, das verspreche ich Ahorn lubed reacharounds von Usher für alle … zu beobachten.”

  42. Justin Bieber Paternity Suit
    Willie Dixon
    Commented on this photo:

    “Tada! Ihr seid alle schwanger. Ihr Maple Furor gesprochen hat.”

  43. Bron

    someones looking for their 15 minutes and a free handout. Hope she gets counter sued for slander. And she just made herself sound like a huge whore.

  44. Star Droppings

    Perhaps we’ve jumped to conclusions about what the cryptic “f” and “s” meant. He’s 16, he probably told her he wanted to “finger” the “snot” out of her.

  45. dotmatrix

    “He was on top of me with my legs around him.” Wow, that’s pretty damning evidence. Beebs had better just pay up and save all the trouble.

  46. Steelerchick

    But….but…but he’s a homo!!!!

  47. In Bieb’s defense, he literally thought he was going to fuck the shit out of her. After all, he always ends up with a poo stain on his dick after having sex with Usher.

  48. Uncle J

    Yeater? I don’t even know her!

  49. Da Fuck?

    I always knew Biebs was a lesbian.

  50. Schmidtler

    If you’re not physically capable of fending off a rape attack from Justin Bieber, your ass deserves a good raping. Hear that Weston Cage? Prepare yourself! Bieber has a taste for rape, and he is coming to your town next you goth freak weirdo!

Leave A Comment