Aww, Justin Bieber’s First Paternity Suit

“Look, ma! I didn’t use my hands!”

When Justin Bieber’s mom sat him down and explained to him how an invisible maple syrup manifestation of God himself mysteriously impregnated her – and made her pancakes more delicious – she should’ve immediately followed that conversation up with, “Oh, by the way, I hope you like paternity suits.” Which brings us to this morning where Star (via RadarOnline) is touting the story of Mariah Yeater, a 20-year-old California woman who’s claiming Justin is the father of her three-month-old son. The report broke last night, and Justin’s legal team immediately denied the claims along with announcing their plans to maple-sue some cocks off. But for your amusement, here’s a What If? scenario that presupposes Justin turns into Dustin Rapieber at the first sign of vagina:

Mariah claims in her lawsuit, which was filed in a California court on October 31: “After waiting for a short period of time with several young women, Justin Bieber appeared and engaged me in conversation.
“Immediately, it was obvious that we were mutually attracted to one another, and we began to kiss. Shortly thereafter, Justin Bieber suggested that I go with him to a private place where we could be alone.
“I agreed to go with him and on the walk to a private area, he told me he wanted to make love to me and this was going to be his first time.
Mariah also told the court: “After walking away from the other people backstage, Justin Bieber found a place where we could be alone — a bathroom.
“We went inside and immediately his personality changed drastically. He began touching me and repeatedly said he wanted to f*ck the sh*t out of me. At the time I asked him to put a condom for protection, but he insisted that he did not want to.
“In his own words, he said that because it was his first time he wanted to feel everything.”
Justin then “quickly took off my clothes,” she said — and the pair had sex.
Bieber’s reps strenuously deny the woman’s claims, but Yeater wrote in her court declaration: “He was on top of me with my legs around him. At the time I was on top of some type of shelf. The sexual intercourse itself was brief, lasting only approximately 30 seconds.

Don’t get me wrong. I absolutely want this story to be true because I secretly believe Justin Bieber is the Anti-Maple spoken of in Butterworthlations, but if you’re going backstage to let a child pop-star bang you within five minutes of meeting him, I guarantee you didn’t go, “Hey, use a condom.” That’s the first hole in this story. The second? Justin Bieber can’t swear. He’s like Superman with telling lies.

“For his mouth shall remain clean of all blasphemy while his pops lock fresh and his voice forever that of an angel child, unencumbered by the descension of testicles.” – Psalm of Log Cabin Syrup, 14:3.

Photos: Bauer-Griffin, Pacific Coast News, Splash News