Justin Bieber Taking DNA Test, Suing Mariah Yeater Into Next Week

With Mariah Yeater’s entire paternity suit falling apart at the seams barely two days after going public, Justin Bieber (Seen above with Selena Gomez who, despite reports, did not dump him even though the 30 seconds of sex part sounded an awful lot like the premature maple syruper she’s grown to love.) has not only agreed to take a DNA test immediately upon returning to the states, but will actually remove Mariah Yeater’s pants just like she accused him of doing, only this time via a gigantic fucking lawsuit. TMZ reports:

Our sources say Justin’s lawyer, Howard Weitzman, contacted Yeater’s attorneys Friday and conveyed the DNA test WILL happen. We’re told Justin and his team are so serious … they directed Weitzman to find a lab to do the test and Weitzman has already selected one.
Once the test shows Justin is not the daddy, Justin and his team will sue her. We’re told Yeater’s lawyers appeared “nervous” when they heard the news. This may explain why Yeater’s lawyers went underground yesterday and did not return TMZ’s calls.
Sources say Bieber and his team think it’s important to file a lawsuit against Yeater to show there are consequences when somebody trumps up phony, hurtful allegations against a celebrity.

So that puts an end to that. Maple Christ will provide our mortal courts with his heavenly DNA, and Mariah Yeater will be forced to accuse whoever else she slept with 15 months ago of being the father. (Read: Cody Simpson’s next.) Which brings us right back to where we started: Accusing of Selena Gomez of being pregnant. Because if she’s so innocent, why won’t she pee in those cups I keep mailing her? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO HIDE?!

Photos: Flynet, Getty